In addition to being a world famous drag queen, I would also have liked to have been an amazing cheerleader. Important components missing in both instances namely, penis/talent and athletic ability/talent. It's that I love costumes, in an over the top way. I have/had zero desire to be an actress but to be belting out Beyonce with inch long eyelashes. A real dream. I realized long ago that I shouldn't even harbour a small desire to sing. Let's all pour one out for my neighbours over the years who've had off key, enthusiastic concerts through our shared paper thin walls. I can feel the glares Superman styles. Long hair, don't care.
I have a bamboo back scratcher and it's the best. I feel great after a little respite from clothes on nerves. Regardless of which piece of clothing it is eventually a little scritch is Utopic. I may have made that word up but it's a good one.
I'm listening to Disney tunes in this random mix and 'Bare Necessities' came on. There's a life lesson in there. Also, hakuna matata. In part - I mean, you can't genuinely be happy with just food and water and not caring. I mean, someone can, I cannot. I want things. I should want less things and have read endless articles on being at peace in the present. I'm not in too much of a rush for that one. It's something I'm working on everyday. And more that I know it's going to be lifelong up and down in the being content in the moment.
I do feel like I want a new way to express my gratitude for my life in a way that isn't the showy hashtag way it feels like it has become. (Judgy Wudgy was a bear) I love hashtags, no mistake. I feel a measure of gratitude is a quiet peace with the way things are but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I need someone to be aware that things are tickity boo in my life. It's just run through my personal filter the expression of gratitude at times feels a bit braggy. Shine your light, for sure! I am muddling up what I want to say. Separating out the ego from life is, most likely, a lifetime endeavour. Meh, even if it's not 'authentic' it's still an expression of joy. Which there could always be more of.
I was chatting with a friend about our lack of love lives and why we tend towards the douchebags. We say we want a nice guy, meet one but railroad and dump them. After the convo, I'm sure it's a little more honest to say I am calling into my life what I feel I deserve. If I truly felt I deserved a guy who lit me up/challenged me (that one is more complex)/helped free me from fear in a way that knowing someone has your back no matter what does - he'd probably show up. That could be said for all aspects of life though, in my experience. There have been countless times, some of which mentioned on this blog, where in hindsight I see I got exactly what I asked for.
Every day a little more, I feel I am asking myself for love directed inward. It sounds so trite as I write it out and I cannot point out where the story of me as bad and wrong started but I live into it. I have all the evidence in the world that I am good. Human with failings but that the failings I also run through the filter of how terrible I am. My failings, I know, in comparison to my fellow fallible people around the world, are not indicators of pariah status. I have been filling my iPod with songs that make me feel rad and I watched Rihanna accept an award recently for being awesome (#blackgirlmagic - it's amazing) and towards the end of her speech she, so heartfelt, says, "the minute you start to love yourself, you wouldn't want to be anyone else." She goes on to say that if her example could help another woman feel inspired to be themselves, she would be proud of being a role model. She's taken a lot of flack for not being a good girl but remained steadfast in staying firm in her truth, which I'm sure wasn't easy! I'm sure there were a million moments of doubt but keeping going is all you have to do.
I feel very guilty about not living up to my potential which could be another story I tell myself, as my sweet best friend notes, I've not been the quickest to acknowledge any of my accomplishments more often denigrating them not as such. However, I do know I am capable of being great. Great to me though. I am reading a book called the Happiness Equation and there is a little chart in it about how internal versus external motivators are effective. The author suggests from looking at various studies, that External are so motivating. You can offer someone more money but if they are not happy for whatever reason, it doesn't produce more results. I have often said I'll do anything for someone who appreciates it. I also have a low level fear that each of my relationships is running a balance and if I don't make sure that I am heavy in the giving/pro column, they'll decide I'm not worth it.
So, I want to start treating myself as someone who appreciates me. That I will have the gumption and zest to throw myself into the fray just to see myself win. I need help. It will take me a nudge to flip the switch into laughing at the dumb stories I create about me but I'm ready to be stronger. I'm ready to live in full awareness that the problem is not the problem. My attitude about the problem is the problem.
It is possible that I am dreaming too small and that it's all possible.
I love Moubebe
a haiku:
So, go try it again
if the future's unwritten
your version of win
xo
