I have been sitting with sadness for the last 24 hours so far. I am super good at compartmentalizing and usually my brain instantly reminds me about how many people have it much, much worse and I don't really deserve those feelings so chin up.
So I have been silently screaming and crying for that time. I don't like outside emotions except joy.
I purloined my best friends Disney account and watched Lilo and Stitch and more ugly crying and silent screaming. But the boxes break open and then the emotions ask to leave, I thank them for their tenure, shake hands with the lesson (ha! kidding most I'll give another whirl) and then let them sit outside my body. The only encumberance to actually doing this blog is the speed of my thoughts which are so much faster than these fingers. Thanks for working though fingers, real shout out on the things you make easier. And better. And more pleasurable.
Man, this has been some time with my thoughts. I'm usually doing multiple things at a time with multiple people and so that's a lot of bandwidth suddenly giving suppressed things so much open road. Like most things, I had said intentions outloud - the need for isolation to figure why I need to be so FOMO YOLO all the time, unearth the why behind the balance and reasons behind needing alone time but never wanting it or granting it, etc. So glad I'm pretty - anyhoo, here I am.
I'd also like to shout out my facility in any social situation. The more people I meet the more I realize this is a GD gift. I have the ability to speak and put people at ease, make them laugh, think about things and I super seldom step on any landmines. I can often see where they are for people and pick up micro twitches and back away from any sensitivity as one of my fav cliches says, 'You catch more flies with honey.' and frankly, it's true and I am pure honey. I play a long game with everyone. I exude joy and slowly leak my opinions in bit and bites because people cannot be forced, they instantly lock down. I should know. If you look up 'la mula' in the dictionary, me in full No pose/face/teeth would be seen. I will not be forced. Most of the time.
The, of which there are very few, downside to living alone is it's always my turn. I want another coffee. But we are in love in the time of cholera. aka covid. I wish I had a balcony. This is a real nice box, I have curated a nice life around me, but I'd like a little more air.
Sent my sweet mumma a text saying I was feeling sad last night and she wrote me back to say she was very sorry to hear but also my blessings! Clean water - her favourite (verbatim on that part) and a loving family, a posse (again verbatim for that) of friends who love me and a nephew Lucas who was even now saying he loves and misses his Aunty Nana. See! It could be much, much worse! This has been brought to you by the Universe rubbing my nose in it since I refuse to get the memo. I get it, I see it and she gets it from her mama so where does it stop. Hopefully with this childless wonder. Not hopefully, right here. Because it's not wrong, I do want to be aware of the injustice in the world so I can take action around it and I am allowed to be sad about whatever.
I've said it before, my incredible mom is a Buddhist amongst raging assholes and is always patient and kind. I poke. So much. and she is beatific throughout. I now know where the toll for that work lies and so I hope both of us strike a balance in between being the good we want to see in the world and breaking ourselves on that cross. To take it back to my childhood imagery.
I am trying not to rush through this time and think when will it be over as elements of it never will be and I am learning valuable lessons, nuggets about myself, new ways of being in the present and future. I hope I always have open eyes and awareness so as not to let moments pass me by.
I really hope my pussy gets a fuckton more love in 2020 as well.
Shoutout to my nurse friends, the people I know who are showing every day for the paycheck they need. May this time show us what's possible for letting people grow, achieve and live in dignity in a way that hasn't been afforded previously.
I honestly wish I followed myself around or at least was mic'd so I could capture both my hilarity! oh man - you should have seen my set in the bathroom mirror last night. I killed it. I'd also loved to have captured a lot of the work I have done around ways of being in my cocoon. I have had real long baths with much cannabis and tried to get at the root of certain people I was hurt by and angry at and what was I not seeing about myself, what decisions of mine had dictated steps? I had some real clarity while down in the dark pits and I wish I had captured it better to be able to review and hold myself to different actions.
Also, since I don't write a single one of these in one shot, I also had a fight with my mom regarding defunding the police. It has been pointed out to me by my cousin J and my bes fren that maybe I went a little hard. And maybe. It was from a place of shock. I count my mom as my font of empathy, kindness and love in action. I was unprepared for her to be 'Not all cops' and let's just give them more money and training as if they haven't already had that in spades. I'm getting riled up. I sent along peer reviewed studies on the numbers, hard data on arrest demographics, if cops are ever actually prosecuted for their crimes, and recounts of training and police culture from cops themselves. She has a double major in English and Psychology which she did in less than four years. My smart mom! I didn't build a bridge on that one and if I can't have a dialogue with my mom? I'm now doubting having vulnerable conversations with her and if I am completely wrong about my ability to communicate. Also, in my almost 41 years, I have virtually never had a fight with my mom. I've been a hormonal/otherwise bitch to her and she met me back with love or space, which is love. Hardly anyone says that so where can I go with love from that fact? It's real question to be answered with time I guess.
Also, Majka if you're reading this, it's only a matter of time before J is in front of you with her eldest and M is a 10 yr old already 100 lb and growing boy. He is maximum a couple short years from being carded by cops, being treated suspiciously in stores if he's not with his white mama and being pulled over for driving his dad's fancy car. And if you don't think so, you don't have any black friends and aren't speaking with any people of colour as that is the lived experience of anyone not white. I love you.
Also, all y'all, if you haven't heard yet as it's being suppressed, in India Hindus are attacking Muslims with impunity and killing people.
https://foreignpolicy.com/2020/03/02/india-muslims-delhi-riots-danger/
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/12/world/asia/india-police-muslims.html
Journalists are being attacked and Muslim people painted with the familiar trope of terrorist. Please familiarize yourself and bring it to the attention of your MP/MPPs.
I really want my Covid miracle to be more community and giving a shit about one another.
Ha! Actually read this before posting it and written over two days it genuinely is like me talking to me. As if I go from I am honey to maybe I'm a shitty communicator without realizing it. Meh. All the thoughts stay. Maybe for rumination later. See yourself, Annie.
A haiku:
it's topsy turvy
strive for our personal best
Change, only constant
xo
A
