Watermelon

g-g-g-et lucky

I am burping up kale chips - they are so damn easy to make, who can say why I avoided imagining it to be difficult as opposed to just trying and knowing. I need to go back and re-read all my instances of telling myself why did I wait? Burro! Self, stop being one. 

"One day baby we'll be old, think about the stories we could've told..."

My current pedicure blows. The thing is I can't really blame the pedicurist - I dislike few things with as much passion as my feet being touched. In my hyperbolic way of speaking - it's truly the worst. It's not so much ticklish as sheer physical revulsion. I feel like pins are being stuck in my spine. I have a bad habit of jerking my feet out of their hands. Danger when they are using a straight blade to shave my hooves. Awful! The description and sensation. And yet, apt nonetheless. I'm having a do-over with my sweet mumma tomorrow. We both like it when it's over. I wish I had the weeds at home then I could calm myself the F down. I have very sparkly red toe nails right now. That part makes me happy. 

I love red and sparkles so much. 

God, kale breath

I am trying to drink tons of water as I'm really into chia these days and those tiny muthas are sucking the life out of me whilst supplying a significant dose of omegas, calcium, phosphorus (what is that good for?) and manganese (I'm off to google, I don't even know what I am doing to my body...) I even know a nutritionist, why don't I just go to her and say these are my goals - whatchu think? Because I love the internet. I was reading the comments section - which is actually the dumbest thing to do on the internet. Dumbest, hands down. - and someone was all I am SO TIRED of hearing about coconut oil and I was like, well, you're wrong. And that's the best. Reading someone on the internet and being certain of how much more right you are than that anonymous schmo in the Universe. 

Holy carp! mega fibre and protein! High fives, Self! Why did I start taking Chia? Who recommended this to me? I am such a follower. 

I have been in a Buzzfeed hole for most of the day. Thank you Buzzfeed. You are the Best. I'm not just saying that. This is an authentic expression of affection and gratitude. 

I need to eat more pumpkin - it seems to be a wonder food. I love pumpkin. Seeds. with Salt. I actually love salt. Although, sugar is the tool of the devil, according to my flawless research, and insidious! Companies give it a jillion different names and then it's in everything so basically you're hooped. I give up. Before starting. Although, maybe I should be of the every little bit helps mentality?

Regretably, the mentality I am in right now is rage. Hormonally based, this time but doesn't help when all I want is to wrap my hands around everyone's throat. I feel I'm pretty intuitive and am not a bad mind reader for those around me but I am not fucking omniscient and when treated as being less than for not being all seeing/knowing, I want to smash plates/faces.

I partially typed and low level was reading like, woah. Someone's angry!

ME! I'M THAT SOMEBODY!

It does feel melodramatic to see the flail in a literary fashion. 

I also tend to be a stamp down the anger type of individual as opposed to feeling my emotions as they happen etc. The thing is that every time I get mad/irritated I tell myself it's a dumb thing to get upset about and that I should just move past it. Except, I don't and become a goddamn powder keg which is healthy for no one. Why aren't we teaching fiscal responsibility and emotion processing in school? Who gives a shit about Algebra? No one! I mean, I guess teach it and maybe there is some practical application for it - I know there is I'm just pissing on Algebra right now. If I had a wiener I'd be pissing on a bunch of things. Like, in people's drinks. Omigod, Kid Cudi. Ugh, I feel this song right now. I want an escape pod so that when I am emotional I could be like FK U I'm OUT! Pew!Pew!Pew! Actually, I didn't want laser guns I just can't think of what sound my escape pod makes as I jet away. It's shaped like a hand with middle finger raised. If my shoulders were stronger I'd like to walk around with both middle fingers raised but I'm weak and lazy. And irritated. I should go to all the yoga classes tonight until I sweated out the ragé. It would take a few classes. I just scratched the dog and now my hands smell of dirty fur. The dog makes me happier though so, meh.

There are times when I re-read something I wrote I want to go back and take out any of the edges, any anger, any rudeness but then I have to shrug and say it came out, maybe it wants out. I mean, I get I have a responsibility for how things land with the listener, slash you, but suppression is oppression. Also, rise up. 

I want my new sweet living space to pop up between today and next Friday. I want magic , I want to walk through the door and feel a big'ol yes in my soul.

................................

Boo-bee-doo - So... it's been a while since I wrote that passage. In my heart I am writing this blog all day everyday but in my real life, I play a lot of Juice Cubes.

Anyhoo! I found my space and I really feel like I'm going to have a evolutionary stage here. I'm changing, maybe I have a 10 year cycle of forward thrust? Interesting theory. Google Calendar, bookmark Oct 12, 2024. I hope that I am going somewhere hella hot for licentious fun with my best friend for our 45 birthdays. Spouses/lovers included. Anyhoo, I want to take a picture of when I am done unpacking painting and then another photo series every 6 months to see myself progress. I think that will be a real impetuous. I am loving biking back and forth from work. I feel that if my sweet cousin and I do end up running together then I can start rock climbing and boom - back in fighting form, meeting new people, more progress and delight. I really like delight. 

It really perplexes me when Moubebe gets fixated on a spot on the wall or under the coffee table, possibly cats do see spectrums/spectres human eyeballs can't pick up, and I see nothing there. When she sees me staring at her she looks off in a random direction and walks a few feet then licks herself like three times before checking if I am still looking. She's a ninja though and I am an apprentice so mayhaps the explanation lies therein. 

I'm ready for Missy Elliott's comeback so I hope she gets on that soon. Who wouldn't guest star on that album. I'd buy it on the iTunes. Not as fast as I bought this century's best work but pretty fast. I love her voice and I feel 32% sassier when I nod my head along with her tunes. She's so joyous and defiant in her voice and lyrics land with me. I feel like Missy would help me take over the world or she'd high five me when I went out and did it myself. Which I guess is the best thing you can ask of a friend. I have linked to my top 3 fav videos/songs in this paragraph. Not that there aren't more than three. Her Miss E...So addictive album is part of the soundtrack to my fourth year university which was in so many ways magical. I'd like to be in Louisiana with Missy, a tour of food and fun. Which, as is my oft repeated refrain, is my fav. I've never had gumbo made by anyone from the South. I want it to be from a soft, wrinkly old lady who doesn't talk to me but nods subtly when I explode into raptures from what her vittles have wrought. Then shuffles away to snort and nudge her old lady friends in a continuation of what is a decades long conversation. The timeless easiness of people who have seen it, are over it and are content to be content. Whose eyes silently whisper the spells of earned wisdom but keeps them buttoned in because you aren't ready to know them yet. I once looked at Baka and Dida looking at each other and laughing and almost like whorls of smoke I felt like I could see the decades of living flow between them. They know who the other person is. They've seen all their bullshit and kept all their secrets and still march side step. 

Breathe deeply. I take eight slowly in and slower out. 

I do feel I am part of a collective. My perceptions of differences and difficulties, made up by me to keep me occupied from the freedom of letting go. When I am zooming around on my bike and my iPod gives me a few gems in a row I feel free and I am totally in love with the world and a voice says anything is possible. There are times I'm sure the voice that whispers, 'You won't,' is right. Has been in the past. Repetition is comforting. Both are seductive but one's a liar. I'm reading hot bitch Amy Poehler's book, "Yes Please" and fuck, it's good. SOOOOO good. I feel it's a loose telling of the journey to herself. The letting go of stories as shackles. And she's in the red tent. She has surrounded herself with and supported a bevy of strong women. I like that. No zero sum, we all push each other ahead from our new platforms. And kindness, I feel that she is working hard on making that the modus operandi and shit, it's work. I'm trying too, but it's easy to backslide into 'those people', 'he always', 'she'll never.' I know it won't always be, and it continuously gets easier but, it's hard to stay in a space of nothingness - no judgement, no emotion, no reaction. Which is totes not to say that I am a robot but if you have those things in your space there's less room for empathy and listening. Sweet Jesus, real listening could be a whole lot more practised. A game changer.  Fewer irritated brown onions. 

Word. 

a haiku:

All by your design
I'm, like, totally profound. 
Who whispers loudest?

xo

Do you even sniff, bro??

Lost in an internet wormhole where I started off with one quote on being grateful and positive and then came across all the wisdom (as perceived by me at this time) in the world...


You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.
Azar Nafisi


I did feel this way when I left Vancouver. It's funny as I often reflect on something one of the two gentlemen I have cracked my heart open for said to me about me being young when we were in each others' lives and how indignant I was at his (in my mind solely) inference that I was immature. But, he was right. The changes I went through in those 6 years are phenomenal when I look at them. I played on two sports teams, ran a marathon, several halves, took someone through the last year of their life, made more friends than I ever thought I would, became a much better cook, loved, laughed, explored. I took care of little people and left sales. All of these things were in the 'Never' column for me before I got on a westward bound plane in 2006.


Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom. The major value in life is not what you get. The major value in life is what you become. Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person you become.
Jim Rohn


This I struggle with - I do want it to be easier. Or, I'd like to be at the end of 'it' - whatever crucible I need to be tested in to drop my particular albatrosses. I just want the lottery, the magnanimous, loving partner (I could concede marriage while rolling around in a pile of dubloons a la Scrooge McDuck) However, it's not bad - the struggle, it just is and then it isn't and you move on through your own personal metamorphosis which is beautiful. I hear. Although, I wish I could pull up where I did hear this, I thought a lot about hearing the analogy of a seed turning into a plant. The seed must crack and spill out. To one person it looks like something totally new, wonderful and necessary while to another it looks like destruction. I definitely have moments in both and would like to train my mind with time to peacefully reside in the former.


Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.
Tyrion Lannister


If anyone would know it's a dwarf in the Renaissance age. (Don't quote me or chirp at me for the potential wrong time period) That's what it's all about. Rendering that which holds you back meaningless. And is as easy as flipping a light switch. I have so many mini pep talks for myself - take that step! you can take baby actions! you are smarter/better/more capable than you think ad nauseum. Sometimes I feel like I'm so badass or when people laugh at my stories/turn of phrase/bon mots I feel chuffed and puffy like a peacock. Another self high five will be in order when I set that as my default and laugh in the face of any other notion. Laugh!

It is my favourite thing to do, after all.


The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.
Haruki Murakami


If you haven't had the opportunity to read Murakami, I would recommend it. The words wind themselves around you and are so poetic and full of yearning (at least the book I read, I am working on another) Anyhoo, I been trying to crack through more books as I was on a bit of a hiatus for a while.

And by hiatus I mean I was reading Harlequin romance novels and that's about wanting to not think. The literary equivalent of an Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie.  Not slagging the novels (kinda), they genuinely constitute 31% of the reason I have an expansive vernacular. I mean, how many ways are you going to say they were horny as shit? He had a raging hard-on? Many, many ways. You never know when you are going to need to find a few different ways to expand upon something getting swollen. Engorged, turgid member throbbing with fervour and insatiable lust. Hello, dudes. I just love your ways. Except when you say really dumb things which jolts a lady out of her loquacious mind-set. Back to feeling randy. Rambunctious!

The summer has been a fantastic parade of delicious man-candy. God bless'em, I say. You go being shirtless in parks and skin that smells of sun. I just have enjoyed quality beach and under dappled trees time, revelling in the relaxation that happens when you are soothingly warmed by sun and laughter of your fellow sunny season addicts. I love the minutiae of nature, watching sand sift through your hand and remembering that webpage that showed each grain is like a mini gemstone or observing ants as they clamber over blades of grass and thinking about their journey. As much as I regard them as a small part, I too, am a blip.

I love the word bombastic. I tend to be predisposed to individuals who are, unless I'm feeling bitchy then I give them the shutthehell up eyes. Behind sunglasses. I don't actually want an altercation because someone is volubly enthusiastic.

Holy crapsicle! I have a terrible earworm stuck in my head - I won't even post it that's how much I care. It's actually just a particular (simulated most likely) horn sequence from a dub step song and I am singing it in a high pitched tone to my coworker because unlike you, dear reader, I need someone to suffer/take it on. The only reason I don't like earworms is that I only ever get a couple bars/10 words stuck in my head and they often ruin songs I do like but just haven't memorized enough to prevent them from becoming earworms. Ok reasons. Which is usually when I turn to YouTube and Beyonce. What can't Beyonce fix? Hahahaha! I can't hear you! So the answer is Nothing! She is a deity. in spanx. I wish I didn't need spanx myself but not enough to go to the gym. The magical place of unfulfilled dreams. Omigod! Earworm - please fuck off. Get me bodied is in my top 5 Queen Bey songs in case you were wondering and where my intergoogles is currently navigating to. I lied. Once I got to YouTube they had a recommendation so I took it. I would like to be in a (not super bad) accident with a head honcho at Rolling Stone/Pitchfork/NME/whateva and they would be so impressed with my scintillating conversation and sassy quick wit/savvy accident fixing MacGyver (#richarddeanandersonisking) ways that they would be like, "Yo, when we are free you should TOTALLY write for us and really get paid a stinkin lot to do so" which I would do. From an island. IN a fancy condo. With slides. And a cat room. Moubebe travels with me though, the cat room is for the B Team. No offence, B Team. #onelove. Then I could quote Steven Wright, "I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be."

Anyhoo, in summation I'll end with Bill Hicks #gonetoosoon: 

Life is only a dreamf and we are the imagination of ourselves.


a haiku:

it's gargantuan!
need both hands for this package
and an allen key.


xo

The new Frontier

Evertime I hear a very twangy guitar (walking baseline? maybe) stomping beat I feel like I should be in a Western where I am that super naturally hot girl getting water from the well and outta nowhere the bad guys! but it doesn't matter because our heroine (me) is a lightning fast trick shot cuz her Daddy he taught her them things. Ew only I don't talk like that. Because I'm also hella smart. Maybe I run the brothel. Or moonshine? I think I sell moonshine. As a tonic. Herb infused. Delish.

I love walking outside when the weather is partially inclement as no one else is ever out walking - in particular their dogs so I tend to have/make space for myself and my mind flies when I have the world as a soothing, albeit punctuated with stimuli, backdrop and as per usual the iPod (this is the cusp of marking me as a luddite, I'm cool with it) on the random shuffle. The dog is truly walking herself at this point I'm just kind of along for the companionship.
Oh and the shit.
Anyhoo, I love the suspension of time when I move through the Nature by myself. It's low level Disney, the dog, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth bounding in and out of my sight/water while rabbits pop up and well, the birds are probably singing but so's Britney so...
It's really easy to let go of the chatter in my mind and follow one track as far as it wants to go. Experiencing the profundity that comes with fleeting, whispered thoughts.

The only time I judge people blasting music is if I don't feel like listening to that tune. Unless, of course, you are GIVEN'ER and then I am always going to slow clap unbridled enthusiasm. Oh and if your sound system sucks but then I'm like well, you're probably a yoot and have zero scratch so you are not to hide your music loving light under no judgey bushell! Forget I said anything! Movin on

I do need to find another music sourcing website from someone with taste as random as mine - although I already lose days to the intergoogles so I probably should use a Universe wish on something else. Like the shekels I need for my new snazzy pad. With a balcony for Moubebe. She is a murderer so hopefully the Toronto wildlife is a little more quick on the uptake. Good luck, Toronto wildlife. She's a ninja. Who likes butter, don't be yellow.

I have really been cooking/baking up a storm at work. I really love experimentation in the kitchen, I just learned how to make brown butter - the key for me, don't get distracted which, if you have been reading along, is a life goal and easier said blah, blah, blah. Baking and I still give each other the side eye as it's all you must be specific! and I'm all hey! look what I made. I'm pretty much a poster child for the Pinterest 'Nailed it!' Tumblr.  Totally not sad about it - everyone has to start somewhere and I truly feel my deep, unwavering love for food in all it's incantations will see me through. I'm happy summer is around the corner as it means the Croatian side will start going to the various parks for 'Mass' and more accurately, for me at least, the roasted meats. I really am repeating myself here but as much as I love animals, I do!, I feel joy seeing lambs and pigs turning on spits. It low level drives my cousin JB crazy as she is a champion of those who can't for themselves, children and animals, which I love her for and aspire to - in a sense. Anyhoo, I got the memo - pigs are intelligent as shit. I smell bacon and my care about anything other than me shivels to less than a memory. My BFF sent me a picture of smoked sausage. It's part of our bond and a real soul deep love - my eyes roll back in my head, I lose the power of all my senses for any external focus. Do I talk about food all the time? Yes! Will I have a cessation of this topic? Unlikely, but I am also more than willing to let others go on about their clean eating, artistic passions, crazy adventures, new romances etc. I kind also just love to talk all the time in general but there is so much! People are so varied and interesting and compelling. Even those I'd cheerfully throat punch. Those people are few and far between as I am aware it takes all paths and there is no way of knowing the travels of others unless invited to share. Which is to care.

I need to buy seeds for the bees. I'm concerned. Monsanto, I blame you. There is a million better links out there about why they are the tool of the devil but you can decide for yourself how much concern research is your cup of tea.

I'd like to make a run for the border as my 'wife' - short version, after 3 bottles of wine for my belated birthday we married each other, serving as one another witnesses to 'All that you can't leave behind' by our friends U2 - has her birthday coming up just in time for a long weekend and frankly, I adore fireworks. I mean, my Wif. Who, I hope, also loves a show to rival the Niagara Falls display. I need to consult with BellaMio to see if we can add that to the roadtrip - which means I  need a new roadtrip playlist. Thank you, my various friends, who just understand what playing car DJ means to me.

a haiku

need some gunpowder
light and sound meditation
is it party time?

xo

So live your life

The problem with do unto others is that not many people like themselves. Not that we are all meandering, hollow, misanthropes but that there is some part of you, you don’t like so it festers in you until it fills your eyes and you look for it around you so you can be mad at that/them instead.

Or just me, either way. 

It would explain some of the vitriol, the festering. Bubbles up.

I have this picture of my nephew that makes me so happy.  One of his parents has just got him to laugh and it is caught at the perfect moment of hilarity. He’s a mix of Croatian and Scottish and Mauritian genes. He goddamn gorgeous (no bias) and in this particular photo he looks like the Buddha beaming love and I am immediately filled with serenity.  Everything is going to be okay.

He is cuter than most though. So…

OHEMGEE! I have tickets to spectacle of the century. Honestly, I am going to have to get some blood thinners to prevent any kind of aneurysm as when I think of (I’m low level hyperventilating) (deep breath) the On The Run Tour, I vibrate with joy. I will lose my voice, dry-heave from the screaming and dehydration and actually have to remind myself in 4 minute rotations to calm the fuck down. OVERJOYED! OV!ER!JOYED! I’m so happy the part of me that also thinks I’m a loon is drowned by the stadium volume Yonce soundtrack  playing in my mind. I need to make a shirt. Omigod, I know what it is. HeeHeeHee!

Oh and if you haven’t downloaded Pharrell’s album, you’relate. 

Game of thrones is really good. I’m thrilled I have a new episode to watch and

SPOILER ALERT!!

That rancid, sniveling, psychotic, insufferable piece of worm shit Joffre is totally fucking dead. Fuck you, Joffre.  HAYCHEW. I feel fine about that. 

I’ve been trying to fill my life with positivity. Like a ray of sunshine.  I am, in fact, screen capturing all the inspirational (to me) quotes that float across my radar, ‘Liking” uplifting Pages, etc. Being nice to people. I mean, I’m pretty nice but there is one group in my professional life that I am not kind to. It’s not nice and energy draining. Bollucks to that. Oh man, it’s work sometimes to stay up. I must needa new song. Found it. 

I was just in Vegas with the best group of people, a collection of camaraderie, a mess of misfits, delightful denizens of decadence. [Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted kasha beautiful life) Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted] and then we [Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted Redacted] like you wouldn’t believe. But that one night wewere ballers (Thanks JM!) and I danced my face off was glorious and liberating. I left it all on the dancefloor.  And then had a steam. Yes.

Austin, I’m coming for you. I don’t know when, I want it to be tomorrow. You siren, you’re so hot.  

I need to bring my bike home this week,  having left it at work for some time, and be crackin at the free yoga I never avail myself to. And I love the community there. And the three hotdudes. I really love them. Back row it is. No, you’re fine where you are. Sure, I can see the mirror. 

I can almost feel the heat, I can’t wait to sweat and stare.

I really want sound advice as to what I can do when I see something in the world where I want to help make change - in this moment the girls of Nigeria #bringbackourgirls - i am tweeting/facebooking etc like a champ and I am aware of donating these things called dollars and I am perpetually brought back to the quote:

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - was attributed to Margaret Mead was a radical, incredible individual

But how do I send out ripples where people around me (and then around them) really stop believing in the zero sum mentality and more in the notion that if we all are good to each other we get further collectively and are happier? It's really peculiar to me that people give a shit about whom others are sleeping with and no shits about women being assaulted around the globe or the poisonous chemicals snuck into our food/environment. Maybe the media, but it's earlier than that about fostering a curious mind and being open to others' input/opinions and a desire to see how we all interact. Or something. I have also seen how off putting it is to come at someone full force that is diametrically opposed to one's own view. There is magic in being able to respectfully engage in conversation and even budge an entrenched belief system/thoughts/morals. There is something there that I really want to dig deeper and "be the change" My life's work, perhaps.






I bought a bunch of ingredients to make dulce de leche brownies at work (thanks Internet!) and because my bag was heavy I dropped it to the ground and now I'm wondering how my eggs (free run!) fared. I am working on a reduction of the times I say, Self! what were you thinking! - except for those times that that thought is followed by a self high five, which I feel, is an underused form of self-love.

High fives

Go have a treat, maybe share it - bonus points if it's a stranger.

A haiku:

Sun beats down on me

Drops bead down my icy glass

I tilt my head back

XO

Countdown...

In a being careful for what you wish for frame of mind I am seeing the message of necessary risk come up repeatedly. That out of one's comfort zone is the place to be - that fear, stubbornness and repulsion is an indicator that you are getting closer to what you truly want/being free of what holds you in place. And I am summoning the strength to jump (god, even tip toe) into that zone. I know I am capable of anything but the maintenance I do on my self built barriers would put Atlas to shame. I want it all, I'll get it all, I'll change all if I feel like it but I'm moving towards it. Perpetual rebirth. 


Glorious, amnesia inducing Spring is upon us. Embittered souls, growling about the weather with bleary eyes glittering between hats and scarves are suddenly goddamn wood nymphs tra-la-la'ing over the sidewalk. This is what possibility feels like - the Big Reveal. Parkas are about to be shed like despondent exoskeletons with gleaming (it has been months without sun exposure) skin revealed, hairs no longer lashed under hats is gettin' did, the first tingle of sun warmed skin, the smell of virgin baking dermis, the languorous eyes of your fellow winter prisoners blinking in reaction to the same sights and smells you're reeling from and then... randy. Everyone is feeling revitalized and ready for action. And Action. Pulling out tank tops and bikes and coolers. It's not as if we never went out, had no high fives, didn't revel in each others' company but it was an act of defiance against the Oppression (hereafter referred to as a typical Winter) whereas now is an act of pure joy, reflecting love and good-will to our fellow person 

** No offense November through March babies, YOUR birthday was the shit!! **

Everyone is planning vacation, off loading work, cutting early, toes in sand, beers on decks, drifting in hammocks, hands dangling from boats, whiterabbitwhiterabbitwhiterabbit, spider dogs, everything in tumblers, did you bring ice?, watermelon  and faces turned up. Months of it. That first deep breath, eyes closed, when you get to the cottage/camp ground/road trip pit stop and there is officially nothing to do. The moments that flashback when laughing about 'that time.' 

It seems like my iPod is extra good about picking my right now favourite song when I am wearing a cute dress with wedge sandals and a hot sun hat. Patios, a pen of pleasure and pints. I can't pin down what makes nighttime conversations with perspiration running down one's back, and the side of one's glass, better but it is. 

I cannot wait to evaluate my neighbours on their evolving barbecuing skills, buy 17 pairs of sunglasses (I lose things) and go to concerts at Echo Beach. I saw Childish Gambino there and it was just so fun, mostly because I was with Team Win (oh hey Team!) and we shimmied and lovingly elbow guided our way to the front with room for dancing out my feelings. Man, if there was one piece of advice I was going to give out it's dance like nobody's watching. Hackneyed? Heck yeah but while it is possible I look like the cartoon version of someone in a accidental flail but I FEEL like Alex Owens fulfilling life long dreams. God, that movie continuously makes me happy. What a feelin'! Everyone should have a moment of feeling free and having their favourite tune reverberating back at them. Extra Loud. 
Also, probably good that that's not the one piece of advice I give out. 

I need to curate myself a mini book list for lying in grass and feeling the wind lazily bathe me. It's one of my favourite thing for time to be suspended and to just stare into blades of grass beside my head and just let my thoughts drift. My favourite colour in the world is the green that you see when light shines through a leaf. It immediately both soothes and stimulates me. I may have mentioned this before but it's my favourite and my blog so... 

I might need cowboy boots. My mind is basically making tomorrow summer but it might not so I should suss out other sartorial staples than flippy floppies. It might also be because I am listening to one of the very few country songs to sneak past my lack of appreciation for the genre. I do love cowboys though. Well, the ones in my mind - how I feel about an actual lives on a ranch, brands animals at the break of dawn dude remains to be seen.

I think this might be the year I become a champion lawn dart player. I wonder if I can find the ones from my childhood with the 4 inch metal spike. I could also try and master the first cartwheel of my life but my wrists. They're sensitive. 

I been drinkin, I been drinkin, watermelon. I want my entire summer to be one, long Beyonce video shoot. I don't need yachts, unless they're in Croatia. It's the new black. Shoutout to the Mother's land. Basically I imagine tossing my hair a lot (I need to grow out my hair) throwing up my hands in a pulsing push away motion while enjoying cigars with my super hot boyfriend. (I need to grow out a boyfriend) I'm also going to make my way through a Food and Drink magazine. Not pinterest style as in I am going to rip the pages out of the magazine and put them on the fridge until they are made and glasses  clinked with great friends. There's World Pride in the Tdiz and I have a group of rambunctious party animals coming into town for it (and ME!) and there are few take no prisoners (but tie some people up) don't stop parties like Gay Christmas and I'm going to dance in the streets with gorgeous men who have zero interest in vagina, compatriots who can outloud announce that they - love glitter. 

One Pride I saw George Stroumboulopoulos probably interviewing people for either Much Music or the New Music and I had SUCH A CRUSH on him so I ran up to him said, 'I love what you are doing on the New Music,' he thanked me, said  I was too kind and I ran away. There was no point to that anecdote but does tell you about everything you need to know about 91% of my interactions with any man I find attractive. 

I hope this summer features more champagne. And gin. Maybe together, who knows - I been drankin. 

a haiku

gonna bare it all
enjoy icy in the heat
summetime party

xo

What the WHAT!

Cleanliness - I been thinkin 'bout it.

I love over using chemicals especially when it comes to cleaning products. My dad used to make me leave whatever room I was cleaning to air out my lungs. I don't know why I think more is better and this particular compulsion is only sometimes. I don't have the cleanest place, I'm not obsessive about it until I decide it's cleaning time then I have tunnel vision. For a duration, it's also not as if once I start I must CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

It also makes rage filled if I live with people and my perception of what they 'should have done' (again, unreasonable at times) which contributes to my joy in living alone.

Anyhoo, at the yoga studio I volunteer at we use vinegar for mirror/chrome kind of things and a thyme oil based cleaner for everything else. When I was mixing the spray bottle solution I went for a good 4:1 ratio. Turns out it's supposed to be like 10:1. I throw shade on that. I cannot believe that is effective enough. I was surreptitiously adding more until they started hiding from me. Okay, from everyone but I have a feeling that I am the only one plotting to find the stash. However, the unreasonable things that bug my brown onion about cleaning after people - which, actually, I mostly don't mind - is how careless they are when it's not 'theirs.' I watch women drag their hands through their hair after their showering and sprinkle it on the ground. Mind you, I was that asshole before I started Molly Maid'ing it up for the plebes. Hopefully, this is helping me eradicate those behaviours that impact others but Hey-ZUS! people! the garbage can is 3goddamn feet to your left. I know because I wipe that shit down so it's pretty for you. A-holes. The dudes though, honestly. I want to know if men naturally carry more bacteria on them. I remember in university I was a few doors down from a storage closet that the boys in my residence used to dump their hockey equipment in - and these are dudes whose moms were recently (or still) doing their laundry - so concern about the equipment, since they lived on a different floor, was minimal. Hell is other people - PREACH Sartre! Specifically, a room full of used hockey equipment. There is some other hell reference I was trying to dredge up from the grey matter to do with smell but lemme tell you - there are few things that will cause your senses to shut down, through almost fainting, like used sports equipment. Lawdamercy!

however, the yoga studio. It's fine but the dudes side really causes me to bust my bum in order to keep the mold/funk/general grossness at bay in a way I don't need to with the ladies washroom.

There is this one woman who practises who hasn't gotten the memo on the fact that the studio isn't hers. She shavasanas it up for 20-30 minutes after class has ended and, like, I totally get follow your bliss/trust your body/etc but get the hell out! Jesus! You know I'm coming in here!You know people want to shavasana it up 20 minutes before class as well and frankly! who wants to sweat onto other people's sweat! No one! Although, conversely, it does evaporate really quickly and there is a minimum of 6 moppings per day if I am thinking correctly (not a sure thing) and it wouldn't be the worst to mop around people, or I could make a sign and unclench my brown bowtie. Namaste. 

That probably won't happen for a while. She's an asshole. 


I tend to absorb the favourites and daily rituals of those around me so I am super into natural this and holistic that, due to coming from Vancouver and becoming more of a fan of the yoga studio. #1 Oil pulling. Get on it. I might be getting within tap dancing distance of obsessed about researching ayurvedic, Old Euro mama style health tips and tricks. I'm also the perfect audience for an 'expert.' If you speak to me with authority, I'll take it as gospel. I'm taking goddamn sea vegetables which are awful but probably amazing. Or so much snake oil! Who the eff knows? 
I was also going to try the no shampoo movement but, I have really fine hair. It got first week on the hippie commune bad fast. I'm weak. And vain. Ish. 


I do appreciate the people on my left who are banging the equality/kill the rich drum since they are the balance to the kill the 'muslims/gays/slutty single mothers' team but be the change people! I just don't get how it's preferable to choose hate and meanness. Ok - I for sure get how it's easy but you possess a brain, you have been given knowledge and access to infinite amounts so... come the fk on. Try harder
but drop 'why do I gotta try harder if they aren't?' Don't be lazy and until 'they' are robots, you can only control ya damn self!

I think the reason I pass on the left hand side is that I feel peaceful, I think interesting things. I listen to so many random songs while I type it definitely affects the pattern of my conversation, the stimulus dictates the path friends. I saw two hearts in nature today. One on the cement outside work when I was calling my best friend. Another, when I was walking home with the dog, a whirl in the bark on the side of a tree. I thought about taking a photo but then was worried people would think I was a nefarious trespasser. Although, that's just a story I created, it as easily could have been some nice couple and one says, "Honey, she likes our tree!" Then they smile at one another and smooch, lean back, give each other the hairy eyeball and then BAM! on the kitchen table. Everyone wins. 


Omigod you guys. I don't know how I got there but I found there's a Chrome extension for adblocker! I found it on the Youtube! If you all have this, don't make fun of me but shit! I am watching a Youtube video SANS Ad! Revolution! 

I'm off to read other people's blogs, listen to other people' music and basically immerse in the abundant creativity there is to savour.

a haiku

future vacation
coconut oil for life
what's that shiny thing?

xo 

Ground control to Major Tom

I remember going to a random bar on Davie St with my friend MH since they had a sandwich board outside advertising cheap as hell wings and beer -

Tangent! funnily enough, only recently am I concerned with the quality of food and more skeptical the less it costs - you gotta a coop out back? - Baka used to cut up a tomato from her garden and liberally swim it in oil and salt, it was my favourite effing snack when I was younger. Hell, today! However, I just am not availing myself to as many people's produce. I really want to participate in a community garden. Maybe I should look into sharesies, I'm great in a team. Unless it's sports. Then I'm great with showing up and being enthusiastic. I truly love being enthusiastic. And Tangent, scene! what was I...

I wish I could have a running scroll of the things I am saying follow me, but invisible to others -would be awkward. I LOVE being able to look up and have an answer to what the hell was I talking about? Eat your heart out Michael Ondaatje.

Anyhoo - so in we go to the bar where casual chatting and hanging seems to be the vibe UNTIL...
Literally 15 minutes after we get there there's the snap, crackle of a mic being set up. Oh, is it karaoke tonight? I ask innocently. Pfft! PFFT! is the response from MH and new joiner RMcD. Apparently, the karaoke at this bar on this weeknight is basically for regulars, who sing their regular songs. So the first couple gets up and it's Space Oddity and the guy has the most sonorous voice. But they're both looking off at this fixed point which a swivel in my chair told me was to nothing in particular so, sotto voce, I remark - Jeez, they are seri-OS up in here - which gets me a few shifty side eyes. To which I raise my eyebrow as the debil sits on my shoulder and starts chirping - oh, did I interrupt amateur hour? Is this your rehearsal time? Is this just before your big break? Did my presence disrupt the Arrrr-tiste? Fiiiine, lemme show you how disruptive I can be! Push up my sleeves, crank the brain to GIT'EM mode which is when the angel sits down and says is this really a big deal? You wanna be startin' somethin'? Which, really, I don't but I may have laughed a little louder at everything, could have chair danced with some flailing and/or slooooowly walked in front of the mic back and forth to the bathroom (broke the seal! oops)
Well, sure am glad I'm over that passive aggressive bullshit.

(I'm not over it)

There are so many funny broads out there it is truly shocking that Lorne Michaels had to do a secret mega audition to fill ranks. Wild. I love this other woman who does tipsy book reviews. Isn't that every bookclub? but for one! I can get behind this!
Who am I kidding, I do this all the time. Wine makes the characters a shade brighter, just like at a party with real people. 
Maybe it's because I know so many outrageously funny women. I am always loudly, whole-heartedly laughing out loud at my vivacious, hilarious compadre-ettes. I hateHATE hearing or seeing the letters/acronym LOL - like eye twitching hate. I know! Crazy! eh, everybody's got their special sauce.  

Omigod! Remember KoRN? Thanks iTunes with random tune activated! Shit - I thought I was SO HARD listening to this in the basement. The same one I didn't really leave while reading historical romance novels from 1993-1997. 

I'm cool today and that's what counts.

So, guys. Please click this link - it's the greatest one of all time. ( <-- No, seriously. click that)That I have discovered. And by discovered I mean given to me by a Facebook algorithm.  

I honestly love my cat's perplexed face when I scream at her for doing the things that drive me mental chewing my plants, drinking their water, cleaning her asshole in front of guests, singing the song of her people when I am in the bath, clawing the furniture. It's amazing to list off a small portion but when I swivel to glare at her, her little, yellow round eyes hypnotize me. Apparently cat's never made it past 50% domesticated which is why they truly don't understand us, don't reeeeally care what we say/think and would eat us if we died. 

I am subscribed to this page on Facebook, Word Porn and it truly makes me happy everyday. My favourite words so far are both Japanese. 
First - Komorebi ~ Sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees. The green glow that is sunlight through grass or leaves it truly one of my favourite things, lying under a canopy with a genle breeze listing over you is bliss. 
And then - Kintsukuroi ~ "to repair with gold" the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. 
I feel like both are so beautiful. 

One of my other favourite words is because it was introduced by one of my most delightful friends - honestly, she just attracts and radiates sweet happiness - who is Italian and it's scarpetta which literally means, I think 'little shoes' but is the act of wiping one' plate to get all the sauces with bread. Mmmm, gluten-y, gluten-y, gas inducing bread. TMI? Onwards!

I wonder what the word is for making yourself cry with videos on the internet. I see the caption says tear jerker and still I click through, I do like the catharsis of it all. Especially kids or animals. I'm currently smearing my eye makeup like it's a horror film audition. I will take this as a reminder that I am probably dehydrated and some water with lightly added cranberry juice to it is what I need. I have a bit of a headache, that' f'sho dehydration. People, do not forget the water if only not to have haggard skin. Also, death. 

I am living into me going to SXSW, I am requesting of the Universe everyday that this happens through gentle, soothing hints to my boss. (You're #1!) I just want to be in the dry heat, sending smouldering glances to the man-hunks strolling around. When not rocking out with every cell on maximum vibration, partying with the people, arms up. God. I love rocking out. Being with abandon for a period of time. Also, to be able to see some people I love and have not taken real action in having togtherness with in some time. I really appreciate the FB for that, I want to know and be in contact but am also not to be relied on for phone calls and letters. I WISH you could rely on me for letters, I would lovelove a pen pal. So awesome. I could send stickers. 

Ok pen pals, community gardens, going to SXSW and becoming a ninja - first half of 2014 tasks. Hold me to it, I'm squirmy. 

You jam out with your clam out, y'hear?

a haiku:

a rock show vixen
a consultant of all things
corporate coquette 

xo

Remember, remember...

New research project for how does the brain pick and choose what it gives back to you. why does vanilla remind me of longing for the hot guy in the locker beside me in Grade 12 to pay attention to me as opposed to baking one thousand times with my grandmother?

Other research project, acquiring one of these: Pygmy goats. Holy cow do I want one.

Before 6 years old, all my memories are of my soul sister (no offence, brother) - pulling all the linens out of the closet for the Barbie condo (apologies to My Aunt K), running into the street without looking (sorry to the dude who had a heart attack thinking he' run over little girls) painting the walls with my moms new makeup (isn't enough time in the world to apologize to my mom) except for the time I got caught stealing jelly beans from the reward jar on my kindergarten teacher's desk. Which happens to be the first memory in my ingrained habit of pushing and testing boundaries. I had figured out long before that my teacher went out everyday for 3rd recess (ah, the perks of youth) which coincided with nap time. Nap time paling in comparison to those brightly coloured, sugar infused sirens. They never crossed the threshold of my house. How about a piece of fruit? Disdain and loathing. My teacher would barely close the door before I'd be elbow deep in the coveted reward. Turns out it took me longer to pilfer than it took her to write Wednesday, December something something. Foiled again. Although, to be honest, I am unjustifiably smug about it having gone on so long and probably should feel something shame-like for being an instinctual thief so early in life.  
Stealing bottles of tabasco in University. I can hear my bff saying, 'Fools!,' everytime one came to the table with the cap on. Honestly, I can feel the world go silent around me when there is something I want to take. There is always something I want to take. If I have been in your house, trust, you are lucky to still have everything. Something would have caught my eye with an inaudible Take me! 
My personal precepts dictate I don't steal from friends but sometimes, I gotta scratch the itch. Typically, it's moist towelettes from restaurants. I am a goddamn squirrel with those things, I need more. It's like I think I'm Frodo with the ring on and no one can see or hear me. I'm betwixt worlds going for my precious. 
Honestly though, moist towelette are like crack for me and then more smugness! when someone is all, 'Jeez, my hands are so sticky IF ONLY I had a method to clean this up.' Then like a super sexy, non-maternal Mary Poppins I brandish my plunder with relish (smugness)  to then affect humility - No, no it's my pleasure to do this for you, I only live to ameliorate the lives of my fellow person. When really, there's self congratulations, mental self high fives and a wafer of superiority. Fuck yeah, moist towelettes.

I remember Ali coming over in Grade 4 when my grandparents got hardwood flooring installed and Baka paid us one. whole. cent. per book to move them from where they had been stacked in the living room back into the library. We each made just over $4 and took our bounty to the corner store and got little brown bags full of sugary loot. There is a picture of us arms slung around one another (with me wearing a beauteous tied dyed, hella oversized t-shirt - glamour) beaming with joy as our popsicles (banana FTW!) melt in the summer sun. Bet we coulda used a moist towelette. It was the fleeting moments of innocent friendship before such a thing as popularity and pecking order became things we were aware of.

High school is goddamn blank. My best friend is often shaking her head at me when she starts with remember..? something about someone from those pithy years and I toss off - I have no idea who that is. I never met them. Yes you did, remember when we... Oh. that time. 
I DO remember, however, the OAC retreat. Teaching the BFF to play Euchre - tangent! I am goddamn Euchre champion, I'm honestly magical at it. Brushing dirt off  my shoulders - and truly my first drinking experience. Mostly I remember stumbling around in the dark (was not high up on the pecking order, thus, much alone time) going back to my cabin, having one, sweet rational thought that drinking to excess seemed a bit ridiculous in purposefully losing control whilst watching other Noobs barf their guts out in the shower. 

Again, a toast to a blend of Scottish and Croatian roots - keeping me alive in foolish times. Which continue to present day. 

Anyhoo, it was the slip and slide that got me on the track to being the loquacious, fun magnet envied by many today. 

I started reading a new book - Tell the Wolves I'm Home, Carol Rifka Brunt - and there is a passage where a character is reliving a conversation with her Uncle about an item he wanted to give her:

"And promise me you'll only serve the best people from it." His voice was cracking, splintering up. "Only the very best, Okay?"... I promised. Then he squeezed my hand and pulled away from me and smiled.

"That's what I want for you," he said. "I want you to know only the very best people."

That's when I broke down and cried, because I already knew the very best people. Finn was the very best person I knew. 

I'm on a plane reading this and I am immediately back in Gareth's living room, sitting on the edge of his gurney and he is asking me what I want. What do I want him to will me. I reply, I want more time with you and we both recoil from my statement. It was out of my mouth without thought. It was the truth but it hurt us both more than I expected as we had both been masters of dancing around the truth. Since I'm already crying, in public - I hate that, my mind takes me to the most beautiful spring day. I am soon to leave Vancouver and my best friend and I were graciously donated our friends' place which is in a valley surrounded by mountains and magical. Now she's crying recalling one night where mentally, emotionally I crashed and burned, with a vengeance. I was awesome at keeping going then. Thinking in 12 hour rotations and ignoring anything that didn't support him boldly crushing cancer beneath his heel. I had gone to his house, inebriated, and somehow ended up in an argument - which I cannot recall at all, completely have blacked it out. Incredibly we never fought, ninjas at avoiding one another's emotional landmines - and I took off into a PISSING rainy night, scream crying my way over the Georgia Street viaduct, the walk home probably taking me around 45 minutes. When I got home I remember her shell shocked face and her low tones trying to get the wild animal calmed down. She led me into the shower and pressed a mug of hot tea into my hands while I just stood and cried under the spray. That was one of the only times I actually broke while he was still here. I never thought about it from her perspective until we are in paradise and she is apologizing for not knowing what to do. I just about died with love for her in that moment. That someone would suffer seeing someone they love in pain, to rack their brain for a way to make it stop is the kind of love and friendship I want forever. With everyone. For everyone. 

Pro-tip: fungi and emotional upheaval aren't the best mix. 

What's amazing is that time has helped me to not stop in that recollection but see him waiting outside my tent with his last hot chocolate which reminds me of a comment he made on pictures from the BFF roadtip, which reminds me of making goat faces while driving, which reminds me of fleeing in the night from Marathon, Ontario 
Terrible! honestly fleeing! In mid flee, barreling down an unlit road (safe!) a guy steps out of the shadows with a wide brimmed hat pulled low, sloooooooowly extending his hitchin' finger. THEHELLYOUSAY! jump back as no one wants a human stain on the car and ain't nobody stopping this paranoid freight train! 
When we finally stopped the flee, got into a Motel and turned on the TV to calm the hell down MObama was speaking for the first time at the DNC - triumphant fist for for MO, incredible woman. Which makes me think of her get it moving (or something) campaign which OF COURSE makes me think of My Queen 

The times I have been behind the wheel (hahahaha license free!!!) always make me smile, it's often because of shenanigans and tomfoolery (in university - thievery) because I collect people imbued with a presiding modus operandi stemming from why the hell not and of course we should! OF COURSE! Let's try that. Spider hotdogs? Genius! Waterloo to Toronto because it's Thursday? Of course. Remember when I didn't catch that baseball and ended up with two black eyes? Those times the coolest baseball team in the Mabel League donned masks for topless, game interrupting sprints - glorious. 

I'm sitting next to an amazing piece of First Nation art - thanks Corrine Hunt! - which brings to mind the first (only) time I tried lawn bowling for a Friends Helping Friends event that I won for having the most spirit. That means I wore the lowest cut dress, outrageous hat and drank many drinks/was friendly. Was off with one Japswe for herbal refreshment not realizing my firecracker friend was extending out her thank you chat with everyone waiting for me to come back to present it to me. That was a great day. And my tits did look great in that dress. Classy great. I love low cut dresses. 

The greatest benefit of these fanciful trips down memory lane is that it serves to remind me that everything does happen at the right time, for its own reason. F'sho, there are things I would go back and change but that's because I have no idea of the 'why' or what it would change. 

I'ma let my main man Rilke wax poetical on these musings:

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Well put, homeslice. 

I have a heart melting picture of my sweet nephew on my phone (those cheeks!) but it more often brings my brother's voice calling me Nana to mind. Somehow couldn't say my name so called me Nana instead. The recall, also heart melting. 

I really need to ward off the dementia since the memories are fucking great. They make me so happy for what came before and so excited of what could possibly come next. I never saw anything unfolding the way it did and as much as I am resistant to change and surprise, you're right, Universe. It's more fun this way. 

a haiku:

remember it all
memory shimmers a hint
regret none of it

xo