I'm don't have it in me to hyperlink youtube videos for this one.

Ever thirsty for love 

Also, please feel free to always listen to the random song hyperlinks on random. I have never listened to anything in order, except some vinyl. 

Wow Covid, you more than anyone before have me all in my feelings. I suppress a lot as all my emotions are at volume 11 and that's a lot. And tiring. But I have been sitting with sadness a lot and high fiving myself for that instead of burying. I definitely change my behaviour but it's always in a chameleon fashion and that's not cell deep.
I've been rolling a recent chapter in my life through the lens of someone on the opposite side. Where I have been aloof and disengaged or intense then changeable, I was the one who is on hamster wheels of thoughts of another. Wondering why not me? But! I also know I pick people who can't or won't love me back and I wouldn't assume the person on the other end is. Although, maybe I am thinking of myself singular when it is far more universal. I've also realized that I do buy gifts for others because something crossed my path that made me think of them and I am creature of impulse and I love stuff. There's - a lot - of people - in Toronto - making  - great things. I think I just need to be careful and aware of what that balance is in the future.

I'm here to give and receive.

I wish Oooo-rrriiii was here. To organize my life and have in depth chats. I have so many people in life that I never push until we're in person and gentle (in my mind) at that. Sometimes it would be warranted but also, I know a million hooves dug in mules like me. It's about finding your zipper, the person who can take your lack/absence/need and supply, which you do in turn for them and are stronger and unbreakable together. Well, as possible.

I had a great chat with a friend on mine through my Exec Admin group and at one point they commented, it's like you are speaking from my mind. Which, partially we flock together as birds you know but also, kind of a universal feeling/experience but we are so used to not being freely open or finding our particular safe spaces that we feel like *this person* is really feeling us. Which, again, is not to say they aren't but that if we were more open - blind not leading any other blinds on this one, just fumbling - there'd be less confusion and more how do we mitigate this thing we all feel? We're here for a reason and who benefits from that? If it's not me and you, then...

Picking this up a few days later... I just had a great chat with my best friend (OHEHNEEEE)

And a few months later - I would like to go back to the mic idea as speaking, I got endless runway. Typing, my own breathing can distract my trains of thought and actions. I do and do not wish there was a translator for when my cats are yelling at me. I mean, I know I've done nothing wrong in their palace of contentment and catering. Also love Doja cat.. 

It's thick, move slowly, hot here. Which is totally fine, winter is one hundred years long. But also, after 18 deg, my scottish genes start to feel like they are under attack and in angies up the blood. This White Lotus is an incredible show, highly recommend. Relationship between those sentiments is I was watching the show avoiding the hottest part of the day. The sun and I have never been friends but now it's my Regina George and makes me nauseous with too much direct exposure. 

I hope a Netflix documentary comes out based on Game Stop from the perspective that revolution is merely deciding on it. As a collective. A bunch of dudes were like I don't like this as a low level joke and now they are changing trading laws. Because Capitalism will always protect itself but the more I see it, the more I feel it is a straw man, I am one of the strands of hay inthe weave and I am excited to learn more about how to thrive within in and circumvent it, to it's inevitable destruction. At least everyone on my FYP agrees with me. 

I am sure there is bad, bad, not good on Tik Tok and I have heard you want to know who someone is, bring up their FYP and see what's up as that's a mirror. I feel like I would agree with that since TT is def giving me what I want. High fives to that algorithm. 

I would like to be on an island within the next 12 months, dancing all night long, eating gorgeous food all day long, laughing with every single cell, hugging it out with new and old friends, smooching it out with my stellar partner and that my cats suddenly turned into amazing travel cats. Especially my poor Spike, who knew a 15 lb Hulk would be the most frag-ee-lay? And yet, so soft of heart. 

I need to fix my heart, to both courage and expansive space for considerate grace - I know I want to be on a path that leads to ever greater professional gains and successes and whether I will achieve it where I am or somewhere new is TBD but I would like to be unfettered. Part of me stops myself from dreaming big out of the small self worth tip but also, I worry that my dreams will negatively impact others and I should protect their safety and security at all costs Even though, I'm not actually doing that. Human beings are my super power and I will be celebrating me living into my own greatness. A toll booth of support, love, joy, opportunity, maximum effort, and gentle grace. I want to be moving in dynamic spaces of change and elevation gain. Ever gaily forward. I want o be in demand with impressive boundaries in place that help me amplify those in my circles and maintain my own safety and peace. I am capable of much. 

I need a perfect for me fanny pack and backpack. I want my backpack to be very attractive with wide, comfortable shoulder straps and enough space for my tent, bottle of wine and snacks and beach accoutrement. 

Also, why don't I listen to more soca, fucking the happiest music ever. 

One of the best, wildest times I had was in a Nassau nightclub. I feel real joy thinking of this memory. 

My current tea mix is Fenugreek, cinnamon, rose petals, hibiscus, fennel. Guest appearances by cloves, rose hips, ginger. 

Highly recommend the apps WebToon/Manta if you are looking to flesh out your anime/graphic novel experience. 

Pay all writers, days of life crafting phrases and worrying over a thought baby out in the world should be compensated. But also, as a poor, there are websites that allow you to archive 'your' article from anywhere and makes a static image of it. Which you can read. 

Do dogs and horses have different spine strength? Is that why we ride one and not the other? JUMP AND WAVE, THROW YOUR TOWELS IN THE AIR!!! *AIR HORN PEW PEW PEW*

Shout out to Byron Lee and Dragonaires - consistently the best party. If you offered me a teleportation device to one of these parties right now, I'd be gone. Partially as I am drinking a tropical drink I threw brandy into - wild but it works, for one beverage - but also because I have a teleportation device. Opting out is my second fav. 

God, peonies are beautiful. I haven't bought myself flowers in a few weeks. My mind is more out of the mud so maybe tomorrow, today is chances of lightning storms which will be very exciting from right hurr. 

Petition for anyone but me to do my laundry? Still my turn? I do love living alone but things I will appreciate about future cohabitation is not just my turn. 

Also consider, in these times, CBD bath salts and your favourite beverage in the bathtub. Channel your inner Blanche. After reckoning with her Antebellum history. Totally forgot Don Cheadle was on that, who also deserves a forever shoutout for being a class act human being. 

My cats have been so hidden for hours. They know Mama needs a dance partner and she's just getting going!

Alright, I'm Led Zepplin, forever rambling on. 

A haiku :

Broken telephone

is your tailbone moving yet

yoinking and yeeting

xoxo,

A

Trail of treats

Oh nana - what's my. name.

Chani Nicholas - The only way to interrupt a nightmare is to comfort myself with the truth. The only way to interrupt a harmful belief is to meet it with a kindness so enveloping that it becomes protection. The only way to outgrow a bad habit is to focus on what feels affirming. 

When I care enough about my own well-being, I refuse to be in situations that do not.

Along the way of learning this I will forget, and then remember. I’ll get it right and then wrong. I’ll feel strong and less than capable, ashamed and unstoppable, together and coming apart at the seams. I’ll keep roaming around the same lessons until I’ve had enough practice with them, and even then I’ll pay them a visit every once in a while.

With this New Moon, I commit to having patience with myself. I believe that my timing is perfect even if I sometimes forget to trust it. I believe that my healing is happening even if it’s often occurring underground. I believe that I am deserving of the love and kindness that I show others even if I sometimes don’t know how to show myself such kindness.  - - - 

I love that. Giving myself acceptance and forgiveness is my work. I think I am getting better at it, adding in course correction. OR I have a lovely overly inflated view of myself, hard to say. 

I need to record my bathroom conversations/joke party. And then never do anything with it. How hard could video editing be? I say as I know myself to be only a turn it off, turn it back on tech level individual. Or I should just get a mic, that's better. I should see if the one I had recommended to me is available in town (#shoplocal) oh wow, it's $200!! 

Like I don't blow that amount of money regularly. Nor would I have any idea how much anything to do with recording would cost, and now I do. It's not even the most expensive, learning new things every day. 

This pandy, hey? The usual bitch fest followed by some lessons. GODAMN I AM NOT BUILT TO BE ALONE, hot damn! What a nightmare this time has been, my FOMO YOLO ways just suddenly stopped was an addiction rehab I did not see coming. Holy shit, I hate not being around people - and now I am leery of being around people. I went to an event that was to be on a rooftop patio and because of (what I think is a v small amount of) rain, it went indoors and I have never felt such a visceral punch as suddenly seeing 100 faces all at once after no more than a couple for a year and a half. I try my best to be a helpmate to my grandparents and am reliant on public transit so it seemed balanced to limit my circle 8 since, people see people and I really don't think the public got that your circle of ten was supposed to be it for one another, not your ten and their ten and their ten. The bathtub has been a safety cocoon for me since childhood but man, I have never spent so much time crying in a bathtub before (may I never again - both for better situations and coping skills) Also, shout out to Lush for your products  and you are welcome for the couple grand. 

I both want to see everyone and no one. I want to reach out to the people and I have realized that some people never pour back for me and what do I do with that? We're all in a pandemic but I had my absence of boundaries and buying my self worth through gifting others presents balanced against a lot of behaviours I tolerated that preceded pandy significantly. 

I do realize that my chasing the FOMO every night was outrunning what I did not want to deal with and part of my giving is my love language but some of it is trying to buy love from a place of not believing I am deserving of as is .

I used to book in nights with myself, I kept my life so packed. I am still a pendulum swinging as I don't know where the impetuous starts from truly an insatiable curiosity and love of experience  versus avoidance of being alone and looking certain situations/ways of being in the face. 

I took good care of my body when living in BC because I had other people to do it with. I have been beating myself up for this need to have people included in order to accomplish tasks/goals as opposed to doing it all on my own. But I also know I have a real inability to see myself and the work I do, work I do well. 

I fixed my taxes after 10 years - hadn't filed, gov't owed me money, spent over a decade in shame with this amongst key pieces of evidence of how shitty a person I believe myself to be. How did that voice get associated with truth? I know logically it's not but it still sings lowly at the back of my mind and I never hear the hum for its familiarity. 

Got my ID back (health card/ Age of majority card) - I don't want to drive, I am meant to be driven and enjoying the view. Was also avoiding this to not alert the gov't to where I was. Like they don't know at all times. 

Made a neighbour a new friend, new friend is even more committed than I am to the hangout (not for lack of desire, just rusty at spontaneous hangs) which is an amazing experience. 

Negotiated payments for my cat when she decided to blow up my bank account with her tricky intestines. 

I also haven't been to a doctor for close to a decade for mourning and further avoidance and increased shame for being a terrible adult. I have made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday where I am lining up points, questions, requests and ready for scheduling. 

I did actually (since this post started in mid 2020, I have a few drafts *kanye shrug*) keep around 90% of my money in Toronto (notwithstanding I don't know actually who gets the money from my hydro, products I bought from local shops weren't always made here, etc) or at the very least in Canada. 

I donated a lot more of my paycheck in the last 18 months as, if I couldn't fix my own, I desperately wanted to reduce someone else's suffering. Which is not to say I am doing the donating or allyship well but I am on the path and will get more informed and better at helping opportunity not be for a few. I am grateful for my friends that are also on this path as it makes me feel more hopeful that the needle will move, not as slowly as the past. 

If my massage therapist, chef, musically inclined, curious, considerate, extremely hot and orally gifted partner wants to show up right meow, I'm pretty ready to be taken as is. I know I'm pretty good but the best part of me is that I am changing and evolving. Life is a ride. Even as I curse the Universe for not giving a shit when I am untethered in the emotional chaos, my lodestone is a love of life and the iron is pure joy.

A haiku :

When we meet again

Either deep hugs or jock nods

Unpredictable

xoxo,

A

My heart is lava

I have been sitting with sadness for the last 24 hours so far. I am super good at compartmentalizing and usually  my brain instantly reminds me about how many people have it much, much worse and I don't really deserve those feelings so chin up.
So I have been silently screaming and crying for that time. I don't like outside emotions except joy.
I purloined my best friends Disney account and watched Lilo and Stitch and more ugly crying and silent screaming. But the boxes break open and then the emotions ask to leave, I thank them for their tenure, shake hands with the lesson (ha! kidding most I'll give another whirl) and then let them sit outside my body. The only encumberance to actually doing this blog is the speed of my thoughts which are so much faster than these fingers. Thanks for working though fingers, real shout out on the things you make easier. And better. And more pleasurable.
Man, this has been some time with my thoughts. I'm usually doing multiple things at a time with multiple people and so that's a lot of bandwidth suddenly giving suppressed things so much open road. Like most things, I had said intentions outloud - the need for isolation to figure why I need to be so FOMO YOLO all the time, unearth the why behind the balance and reasons behind needing alone time but never wanting it or granting it, etc. So glad I'm pretty - anyhoo, here I am.
I'd also like to shout out my facility in any social situation. The more people I meet the more I realize this is a GD gift. I have the ability to speak and put people at ease, make them laugh, think about things and I super seldom step on any landmines. I can often see where they are for people and pick up micro twitches and back away from any sensitivity as one of my fav cliches says, 'You catch more flies with honey.' and frankly, it's true and I am pure honey. I play a long game with everyone. I exude joy and slowly leak my opinions in bit and bites because people cannot be forced, they instantly lock down. I should know. If you look up 'la mula' in the dictionary, me in full No pose/face/teeth would be seen. I will not be forced. Most of the time.
The, of which there are very few, downside to living alone is it's always my turn. I want another coffee. But we are in love in the time of cholera. aka covid. I wish I had a balcony. This is a real nice box, I have curated a nice life around me, but I'd like a little more air.
Sent my sweet mumma a text saying I was feeling sad last night and she wrote me back to say she was very sorry to hear but also my blessings! Clean water - her favourite (verbatim on that part) and a loving family, a posse (again verbatim for that) of friends who love me and a nephew Lucas who was even now saying he loves and misses his Aunty Nana. See! It could be much, much worse! This has been brought to you by the Universe rubbing my nose in it since I refuse to get the memo. I get it, I see it and she gets it from her mama so where does it stop. Hopefully with this childless wonder. Not hopefully, right here. Because it's not wrong, I do want to be aware of the injustice in the world so I can take action around it and I am allowed to be sad about whatever.
I've said it before, my incredible mom is a Buddhist amongst raging assholes and is always patient and kind. I poke. So much. and she is beatific throughout. I now know where the toll for that work lies and so I hope both of us strike a balance in between being the good we want to see in the world and breaking ourselves on that cross. To take it back to my childhood imagery.
I am trying not to rush through this time and think when will it be over as elements of it never will be and I am learning valuable lessons, nuggets about myself, new ways of being in the present and future. I hope I always have open eyes and awareness so as not to let moments pass me by.
I really hope my pussy gets a fuckton more love in 2020 as well.
Shoutout to my nurse friends, the people I know who are showing every day for the paycheck they need. May this time show us what's possible for letting people grow, achieve and live in dignity in a way that hasn't been afforded previously.

I honestly wish I followed myself around or at least was mic'd so I could capture both my hilarity! oh man - you should have seen my set in the bathroom mirror last night. I killed it. I'd also loved to have captured a lot of the work I have done around ways of being in my cocoon. I have had real long baths with much cannabis and tried to get at the root of certain people I was hurt by and angry at and what was I not seeing about myself, what decisions of mine had dictated steps? I had some real clarity while down in the dark pits and I wish I had captured it better to be able to review and hold myself to different actions. 

Also, since I don't write a single one of these in one shot, I also had a fight with my mom regarding defunding the police. It has been pointed out to me by my cousin J and my bes fren that maybe I went a little hard. And maybe. It was from a place of shock. I count my mom as my font of empathy, kindness and love in action. I was unprepared for her to be 'Not all cops' and let's just give them more money and training as if they haven't already had that in spades. I'm getting riled up. I sent along peer reviewed studies on the numbers, hard data on arrest demographics, if cops are ever actually prosecuted for their crimes, and recounts of training and police culture from cops themselves. She has a double major in English and Psychology which she did in less than four years. My smart mom! I didn't build a bridge on that one and if I can't have a dialogue with my mom? I'm now doubting having vulnerable conversations with her and if I am completely wrong about my ability to communicate. Also, in my almost 41 years, I have virtually never had a fight with my mom. I've been a hormonal/otherwise bitch to her and she met me back with love or space, which is love. Hardly anyone says that so where can I go with love from that fact? It's  real question to be answered with time I guess. 

Also, Majka if you're reading this, it's only a matter of time before J is in front of you with her eldest and M is a 10 yr old already 100 lb and growing boy. He is maximum a couple short years from being carded by cops, being treated suspiciously in stores if he's not with his white mama and being pulled over for driving his dad's fancy car. And if you don't think so, you don't have any black friends and aren't speaking with any people of colour as that is the lived experience of anyone not white. I love you. 

Also, all y'all, if you haven't heard yet as it's being suppressed, in India Hindus are attacking Muslims with impunity and killing people. 

https://foreignpolicy.com/2020/03/02/india-muslims-delhi-riots-danger/


https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/12/world/asia/india-police-muslims.html


Journalists are being attacked and Muslim people painted with the familiar trope of terrorist. Please familiarize yourself and bring it to the attention of your MP/MPPs. 

I really want my Covid miracle to be more community and giving a shit about one another. 

Ha! Actually read this before posting it and written over two days it genuinely is like me talking to me. As if I go from I am honey to maybe I'm a shitty communicator without realizing it. Meh. All the thoughts stay. Maybe for rumination later. See yourself, Annie. 

A haiku:

it's topsy turvy
strive for our personal best
Change, only constant

xo

A

Don't have the bandwidth for you

I got some real work to find out why the masculines I invite into my life always start with that. Don't have the bandwidth, not here for a long-term, don't fall in love easily. bitch! who asked you? Why does this constitute the opening line so many times. It's me in some way, Universe because I front like I don't give a shit overall? I don't situationally, when a guy on a date as a typical scenario says this I'm like bro, I don't know if I want to know you past this hour. Maybe not after the second date, let's just see if we can make each other interested in the thoughts that pour out, is there any chemistry (on my end) before you tell me about not wanting a euphemistic 'more'?

I know there is more, a shitload more (weep), work to be done to being vulnerable and open but I don't trust anyone. I have evidence not to trust. I have heard no for various (valid) reasons when I have reached out from painful, vulnerable positions. I'm sure I have evidence that trusting works out as well, but my recall is not really pulling up anything on that end. 

2020 try, trust and do. I know that I need to have new ways of being around those pillars. But would it be too much to ask for a lottery winning so I could go to an island sip coconuts everyday, make friends with the flora and fauna and just not? That'd be my fav. But not the point of this human journey, I guess. 

I had a wonderful trip to a few cities in Europe for my 40th turn around the sun. It was important to me as I have been an instant gratification person for years and spending all my travel time between Vancouver and Toronto and needed to get all the way away. It was magical being with my Best Friend and her family in Italy. I loved seeing Carmen, I loved even significantly damaging my skin under the sun as it was a reminder that it's been a long time since that happened to so high five to me for having developed better habits around keeping my self healthy in a few different arenas. I do need to double check what my status is on sunscreen in every bag and their expiries. God, I love the sun. I love eating other peoples' food. I love spending time in cafes and on patios at night, I love eating late. Many parts of Europe were wonderful for those vibes. Not you, Glasgow but Lecce and Split for sure. 

Split, Croatia is magical and I will go back many times. Also, I have never gotten so many gold stars for speaking the language as in my beloved Motherland. Also, shout out to Croatia for having a lot of really beautiful people, I love looking at beautiful people and zip lining - not related. 

I am enjoying being a part time vegan. I hope it is in fact having some kind of positive result in my life. If only I could not love all the meats and cheeses but shit do I. I look at all the supplements in my cupboard and I need to get better at printing out a tiny paragraph from whatever article I have read that convinced me it was a good addition to my life. Also, think a lot about what is on this earth that could be healing/ helping and boosting my particular body. Also, have read many articles about how shitty and unconcerned the medical industry is for women. Self advocacy and all. I have gone in with many people into offices that are to theoretically ameliorate their health and lives and end up acting as a defence lawyer being all but what about? They told you this? It is so hard to find a doctor that embraces multiple therapies and gives their patients time and concern. Not a rubber stamp on a prescription sold to them by a company. The thing when ever someone tries to bring up, "not all..." as a counter point to me it says my point trumps yours and because I know of one, your collective experience/evidence is null. Which blows my mind that someone could process that way but humans, we are a bizarre bunch. I wish I could be a idiot/asshole whisperer. Including for myself. 

I have been asked why don't do stand up and there's probably something lined to my previous musings on vulnerability as I cannot think of anything I would like to do less than get up in front of a crowd and perform. I am though, in real life, all the time. Universe, what are you leading me to? I don't mean to be resisting but I get asked about my writing and stand up all the time, I'd hate to think I am being nudged to a path that I am ignorantly avoiding. Or could you bring a mentor into my life for this? I'm looking for help on a few ostrich head in the sand. I keep saying I don't know why for a few things and genuinely reflecting, talking with friends and answers on a few heart questions remains elusive. I know I am going to be honing myself and growing over a lifetime but could I move onto different challenges. Not harder ones, just different. 

Time for a mini shoutout to J Cole, fucking glorious. 

I want a team of supporters, I want to feel secure in relationships, I want to stop questioning my worth. I celebrate the mini glimpses I get into what that looks like but also am happy for it to show up in ways I could never have imagined. That's what I want to truly get better at, not having any idea of how 'it' will look but feeling the surety that it will, I need to be better at giving out trust as well. 

I would love to know what the person furiously typing away on their phone next to me is communicating about. I probably don't since there's a million things where I have retroactively wished I knew nothing about that business. Since I do feel responsible for some kind of action around every situation I am apprised of. Although, I totally don't mind it for drunk Annie. In bar bathrooms, public transit whenever someone is like ain't this some shit! I am here for cheerleading - you right! that's completely reasonable/the appropriate response. Strangers get my opinion and advice all the time - they approach me though, I'm not just spouting off to hear the sound of my own voice. I do prefer to slowly shuffle away (from strangers, friends I'll sit with you through it) minding my own business. Especially since most people just need to talk it out for themselves and are not actually soliciting external validation. That was a good life lesson, shutting up and listening and only asking if they want any feedback without being attached to giving it, after they wind down the conversation path. 

I have enjoyed this particular coffee shop for two hours which is a pretty cheap rate for drinks and internet for $5. I am grateful for these kind of spaces. So interesting to watch the people and go down various wormholes. 

I would really love an umbrella hat, may be ridiculous but not holding an umbrella sounds like a dream. As I watch people walk in the rain. It'd be amazing if I had a bubble. I'd love a floating bubble. I need to work on that. Find some kind of science genius and get a magic solution to my moving through this world problem. Or again, the lottery and a driver. 

Well, let's see what the rest of this day entails. Maybe the best? So many laughs and trailing fingers and delightful bites. 

2020 show me all the good possibilities and let me embrace the actions that get me to and through them. Abundance and quiet miracles. Abundance and quiet miracles, abundance and quiet miracles. 

a haiku:

Pointing at the map
Dream vacations in planning
be vulnerable

xoxo

A

Forks in the Road

I really love getting to know myself better. At least the pleasure side. I am getting a significant amount better at self-care. I know that smoking a bowl and listening to Weak by SWV will calm me the fuck down. Downright serene. I didn't know that combo 5 years ago. Basically baths are my main bitch. It was the one place there's no hassle, no one rushed you. I read books for over an hour in the tub trying to as quietly as possible keep topping up hot water. Not that my family were tyrants by any stretch but available is available and in the bathroom is not available. 
Like, my best friend broke me of privacy in the bathroom so I don't care as much nor in the same way but I need in my life at least one closed door no one gets to traverse in my life.
User Gael Hernandez Palmer - this particular Spotify playlist is a GD gem. Thank you.

It's easier to walk away than to look for what would make you stay - oh person I end up with, you are going to get a deluge of everything good, good. I am fucking good to my friends, I gotta milli testimonials, but there is a higher level of my care.

I know I have four nail clippers. I have been searching for them for days. They're spread out in places that once made sense to me. Future me will laugh and laugh when we stop this tortured game of hide and seek. Current me seethes with indignant self-flagellation.

While still needing to go to a mental health professional that I feel in sympatico with, I am also getting a lot better on talking myself down from various rage ridges. I'm a lot better at asking myself why so mad, bro? Most of the things I get worked up about on a daily bias are inconsequential. Not that they don't matter but I am not going to take action on it in the moment so, gotta let it flow. Be the water, not the rock. I am repeating this to myself ad nauseam. Letting go, it might be a 40s thing.

Do my action align with my words, am I sticking true to me, what is true to me? What are my boundaries?! I have had so few, not wanting to ever put anyone out. I get so frustrated watching Baka and my mom be self-sacrificing and giving no iota to their own care. And then monkey do what they have been seeing their whole lives, which they had done as well. I want off that hamster wheel. I want them off it too.

Patience is my nemesis. I want my journey to my best self to be over and I don't, honestly. My addict mind is thirsty AF for new - knowledge, experiences, skills, everything. I want everything. I got super pissed about asking someone to send me a pic so I could go pick up something and because I waited more than 48 hours, when I said no rush (also, I am aware of the power and nuance of langauge and my responsibility in how it lands for others)

I'm irritated as hell when I see people I thought of as friends posting pics from Toronto and never thought to reach out to me, or tell me too busy after the fact. To go full bitch in this moment, that's Vancouver people. I was warned when I got there but I went on such a friendship attack plan, I made a shitload of friends. I thought how I felt about people was reciprocated but clearly no. Unless you happen to be in front of them, people in Vancouver are, at best, nice acquaintances.

Also, don't fucking show up and tell me the day you land. This trip genuinely a surprise for you? Do you know me at all. I can drop some things but not everything. And thing is I would try because of how much friendship means to me but - and this kills me the most - I am starting to not fucking care.

Which brings me to the thing that causes the most pain and longing, I want someone(s) to show with action that I matter and I can think of three people for whom I believe that to be true. Not counting family who have to see me. Otherwise, we are friends because I believe in the work. And once I stop bleeding, I'll be able to shove these feelings down to a numb spot and carry on infusing my own life with joy but right now, fucking show up for me. Anybody.

I mentally do a five star ballet to keep conflict and sadness from my life and thus others but, shit, sometimes I'm tired and so I will go to the beach and read a book that will make me laugh and I'll feel grateful for grass listing in the wind, sunlight through leaves, friends laughing with/at each other, smoking with my toes in the water. And learn boundaries and how to use the language that tells people what I need from them instead of shouting into the echoing apathy of the internet.


Self,  I hope you also acknowledge the ways you are amazing. Get rid of that blindspot. Get rid of the secret part of you that still demands perfection. Also, put up another post it note saying, get rid of expectations. Stop breakingyour own heart with hopes around others' actions. You are the Captain of the starship your own damn happiness. Enjoy your wins. Share always. I believe in me. I'm not dead yet so hope and opportunity remain ample. Love me, love me, love me. 

a haiku:

what version is this
or does the progress count more
you go, butterfly

xox


A

Ain't this some shit

Trying


I keep repeating to myself, 'Be the water, not the rock,' I am trying to embody this. Currently and ongoingly.


I am mad at the dudes that have thwarted my attempts at being a two-some recently. I have gone through a gamut of gentlemen. My girls know, I don't like to share details of anything, ever but they know those nicknames as Corn guy, for those in the know, networker wank job, hair guy and so forth, I have been tryin'.



However, my fucking glorious friend Wanda at a conference we were at was like but what if your glorious life, that you love, is it? She didn't say it exactly like that but I think that's a good question to ask. I really like my life... I wish I was better at money and saving and owned my own house, but I spend a lot of time being happy and if it ended tomorrow, I would have a fuckload of people who missed me and feel I could confidently say I left a mark. And I don't know that there's more than that.


Be the water, not the rock.


All gifts to my life


Let's see.


There are three times in my life a gentleman, I would consider a significant part of my timeline, made me feel secure and hot as hell. I didn't give a shit about any other woman in that guy's life. I knew I was his flavour and it's not as if I don't get jealous but I never was with them. And I was thinking about my seldom ever feeling jealousy since I was always of the opinion of if you can be tempted elsewhere, then go. It would never be a sudden thing so something else was wrong/causing us to drift and if that happens and neither of us says what's up and can we find a way back, go. Find your flavour. But I thought about it a little more and my ability to turn a page an never look back, ever, I had a tiny whispered thought in my brain that maybe because I watched my mom and grandma put up with so much work, responsibility for physical/emotional/future needs, (as it appeared to me) emotional abuse without any push back and so it's only now occurring to me that could be possibly one of the reasons why I am so quick to walk away. I see anything that smacks of words/behviour from men in my family and I shunt you to the box labeled, new phone who dis? Never open.


I know a lot of good mascs so it's not as if my rom-com heart doesn't hope from time to time but I don't have a lot of faith in cis men at this juncture.




so obvi this is a couple weeks later but I have had this thought about myself:



A powerful waterfall is continuously moving and adapting to changes in geography/situation. There will also be numerous sharp, rocks but the water softens the rocks over time but the power remains and then is unfettered. I am a waterfall. I am working on being unfettered.


I went off in my mind and had a million hilarious thoughts on my various contemplation trains. I only remember that one of them concluded in, before Drizzy coined it, I was going from 0 to 100 real quick. Real quick. Ooh, the temper. Smoooothing out edges. with time. and therapy. which is also with time. I'm an evolving butterfly.



Also, this is a great time to shout out Dida and I successfully did a project together and NEITHER of us lost our minds. Every time Dida concedes to let me do a 'blue' job because no one else consistently comes around, sorry not sorry family jab, we have a clash of the Titans fucking blow up and I scream something at his ass since he can longer move fast / do more then penguin hobble before storming into the house and dunking my head under cold water. Even funnier, every single time we're about to start a job Baka shimmies after me saying don't get angry / let him push you / etc a certain familiar phrase of please don't lose your shit because he's lost his shit this time and every single time I'm like, Baka, c'mon, it's gonna be fine. THIS TIME IT WAS! GLITTER CANNON! MORE CONFETTI! AGGRESSIVE SPORTS HORNS!


Thank god, so few people hear how I speak to my cats. Like, there's obviously a level I go to when it's just us but I do slip when friends are over and some of my nutso for catso spills out. But also, with the exception of my brother, his child army, JB three times, my dad a couple times, there have been no men in this place before a recent friendish came over. Spike gave him such love eyes I was like, are. you. kidding. me. right. MEOW! and if you read that through a filter of simmering rage because I literally conjure up new ways to make these fucking SUCKHOLES of everything happy, you right. Anyhoo, combined with how much he loves to rough house with my nephews, who largely ignore him for a screen, I have decided Deathspike is gay. The evidence is clear.



SO yeah.



I really need to get a thing to plug into my Mac and speak into as I WISH you could have heard some of tonight's gold, it was gold, Jerry. Or as PNN says, I'll start my own YouTube channel. With the millennials. HAHAHAHAHAAA oh god that's amazing. HAAAAAA.



a haiku:




but what if all dreams

were blueprints for tomorrow

so why not wake up?




xo




A

But it might

I'm a conduit of abundance. 


Trying to make salve for the first time and the site I am following said decarb for 20 mins which is 4:20 pm EST this day so thought I should roll one and something about good omens.


I am pure comedy to me - full stop - when I read what I have written weeks later and will again say I wish I did this more often but the flesh is weak and things. ANYHOO! I am...talent shallow when it comes to baking and science. So for the TL;DR version, the above did not, in fact, come thru. 

I will never abandon the idea that there is a baker within me but frankly, I am addicted to hyperbole. We all know but! (I have no idea what this means. I may have sampled the above attempts. #YOLO)

Podcasts live on such a really want to get to it list and keep seeing post fb lists of ones they wax poetic on and friends agreeing on podcasts and if there's anything I like to throw my support behind stuff my bubble agrees on, and yet. 

I do many moves to make sure I am the good person in the story unless I stop caring - I realize I have typed a version of that sentence a million times trying to present my selfishness before claiming an innate desire to be kind. The fact that I lose my temper negates the fact that I try to help the life of others every day as well. Also, had a really great chat with my BFF today in two parts (Reminder: coming for the crown, ohehnee) where I realized how much I push guilt onto myself which I allow to compound my resistance to course correction later. Putting a pin on digging up the origin and new way of being around that for soon. 

Thinking of people I have boned in the past even that I didn't treat with camping rules (better than you found it) I know I could go back still. I always leave first and am a babe so... there's no excuse. Going forward I am gonna lean into a year of Yes (has anyone I know read that book? Can you save me a mo and tell me if the title is the point summed up?)

One thing from my time with Gareth is I am a master at shutting down emotion like I can visualize the bricks forming around the thought/pain/emotion which is another thing on the lifelong list to massage into a light, guilt free zone. 

I've barely read this to take out the most obvious mistakes but I don't know where Iw as going with this mess but I'ma just hit publish and see if I can start anew. Spoiler alert, I sure fucking can. 

a haiku:

does it have to make
sense or are all thoughts legit
not in this sweet brain

xo

A