I'm don't have it in me to hyperlink youtube videos for this one.

Ever thirsty for love 

Also, please feel free to always listen to the random song hyperlinks on random. I have never listened to anything in order, except some vinyl. 

Wow Covid, you more than anyone before have me all in my feelings. I suppress a lot as all my emotions are at volume 11 and that's a lot. And tiring. But I have been sitting with sadness a lot and high fiving myself for that instead of burying. I definitely change my behaviour but it's always in a chameleon fashion and that's not cell deep.
I've been rolling a recent chapter in my life through the lens of someone on the opposite side. Where I have been aloof and disengaged or intense then changeable, I was the one who is on hamster wheels of thoughts of another. Wondering why not me? But! I also know I pick people who can't or won't love me back and I wouldn't assume the person on the other end is. Although, maybe I am thinking of myself singular when it is far more universal. I've also realized that I do buy gifts for others because something crossed my path that made me think of them and I am creature of impulse and I love stuff. There's - a lot - of people - in Toronto - making  - great things. I think I just need to be careful and aware of what that balance is in the future.

I'm here to give and receive.

I wish Oooo-rrriiii was here. To organize my life and have in depth chats. I have so many people in life that I never push until we're in person and gentle (in my mind) at that. Sometimes it would be warranted but also, I know a million hooves dug in mules like me. It's about finding your zipper, the person who can take your lack/absence/need and supply, which you do in turn for them and are stronger and unbreakable together. Well, as possible.

I had a great chat with a friend on mine through my Exec Admin group and at one point they commented, it's like you are speaking from my mind. Which, partially we flock together as birds you know but also, kind of a universal feeling/experience but we are so used to not being freely open or finding our particular safe spaces that we feel like *this person* is really feeling us. Which, again, is not to say they aren't but that if we were more open - blind not leading any other blinds on this one, just fumbling - there'd be less confusion and more how do we mitigate this thing we all feel? We're here for a reason and who benefits from that? If it's not me and you, then...

Picking this up a few days later... I just had a great chat with my best friend (OHEHNEEEE)

And a few months later - I would like to go back to the mic idea as speaking, I got endless runway. Typing, my own breathing can distract my trains of thought and actions. I do and do not wish there was a translator for when my cats are yelling at me. I mean, I know I've done nothing wrong in their palace of contentment and catering. Also love Doja cat.. 

It's thick, move slowly, hot here. Which is totally fine, winter is one hundred years long. But also, after 18 deg, my scottish genes start to feel like they are under attack and in angies up the blood. This White Lotus is an incredible show, highly recommend. Relationship between those sentiments is I was watching the show avoiding the hottest part of the day. The sun and I have never been friends but now it's my Regina George and makes me nauseous with too much direct exposure. 

I hope a Netflix documentary comes out based on Game Stop from the perspective that revolution is merely deciding on it. As a collective. A bunch of dudes were like I don't like this as a low level joke and now they are changing trading laws. Because Capitalism will always protect itself but the more I see it, the more I feel it is a straw man, I am one of the strands of hay inthe weave and I am excited to learn more about how to thrive within in and circumvent it, to it's inevitable destruction. At least everyone on my FYP agrees with me. 

I am sure there is bad, bad, not good on Tik Tok and I have heard you want to know who someone is, bring up their FYP and see what's up as that's a mirror. I feel like I would agree with that since TT is def giving me what I want. High fives to that algorithm. 

I would like to be on an island within the next 12 months, dancing all night long, eating gorgeous food all day long, laughing with every single cell, hugging it out with new and old friends, smooching it out with my stellar partner and that my cats suddenly turned into amazing travel cats. Especially my poor Spike, who knew a 15 lb Hulk would be the most frag-ee-lay? And yet, so soft of heart. 

I need to fix my heart, to both courage and expansive space for considerate grace - I know I want to be on a path that leads to ever greater professional gains and successes and whether I will achieve it where I am or somewhere new is TBD but I would like to be unfettered. Part of me stops myself from dreaming big out of the small self worth tip but also, I worry that my dreams will negatively impact others and I should protect their safety and security at all costs Even though, I'm not actually doing that. Human beings are my super power and I will be celebrating me living into my own greatness. A toll booth of support, love, joy, opportunity, maximum effort, and gentle grace. I want to be moving in dynamic spaces of change and elevation gain. Ever gaily forward. I want o be in demand with impressive boundaries in place that help me amplify those in my circles and maintain my own safety and peace. I am capable of much. 

I need a perfect for me fanny pack and backpack. I want my backpack to be very attractive with wide, comfortable shoulder straps and enough space for my tent, bottle of wine and snacks and beach accoutrement. 

Also, why don't I listen to more soca, fucking the happiest music ever. 

One of the best, wildest times I had was in a Nassau nightclub. I feel real joy thinking of this memory. 

My current tea mix is Fenugreek, cinnamon, rose petals, hibiscus, fennel. Guest appearances by cloves, rose hips, ginger. 

Highly recommend the apps WebToon/Manta if you are looking to flesh out your anime/graphic novel experience. 

Pay all writers, days of life crafting phrases and worrying over a thought baby out in the world should be compensated. But also, as a poor, there are websites that allow you to archive 'your' article from anywhere and makes a static image of it. Which you can read. 

Do dogs and horses have different spine strength? Is that why we ride one and not the other? JUMP AND WAVE, THROW YOUR TOWELS IN THE AIR!!! *AIR HORN PEW PEW PEW*

Shout out to Byron Lee and Dragonaires - consistently the best party. If you offered me a teleportation device to one of these parties right now, I'd be gone. Partially as I am drinking a tropical drink I threw brandy into - wild but it works, for one beverage - but also because I have a teleportation device. Opting out is my second fav. 

God, peonies are beautiful. I haven't bought myself flowers in a few weeks. My mind is more out of the mud so maybe tomorrow, today is chances of lightning storms which will be very exciting from right hurr. 

Petition for anyone but me to do my laundry? Still my turn? I do love living alone but things I will appreciate about future cohabitation is not just my turn. 

Also consider, in these times, CBD bath salts and your favourite beverage in the bathtub. Channel your inner Blanche. After reckoning with her Antebellum history. Totally forgot Don Cheadle was on that, who also deserves a forever shoutout for being a class act human being. 

My cats have been so hidden for hours. They know Mama needs a dance partner and she's just getting going!

Alright, I'm Led Zepplin, forever rambling on. 

A haiku :

Broken telephone

is your tailbone moving yet

yoinking and yeeting

xoxo,

A

Trail of treats

Oh nana - what's my. name.

Chani Nicholas - The only way to interrupt a nightmare is to comfort myself with the truth. The only way to interrupt a harmful belief is to meet it with a kindness so enveloping that it becomes protection. The only way to outgrow a bad habit is to focus on what feels affirming. 

When I care enough about my own well-being, I refuse to be in situations that do not.

Along the way of learning this I will forget, and then remember. I’ll get it right and then wrong. I’ll feel strong and less than capable, ashamed and unstoppable, together and coming apart at the seams. I’ll keep roaming around the same lessons until I’ve had enough practice with them, and even then I’ll pay them a visit every once in a while.

With this New Moon, I commit to having patience with myself. I believe that my timing is perfect even if I sometimes forget to trust it. I believe that my healing is happening even if it’s often occurring underground. I believe that I am deserving of the love and kindness that I show others even if I sometimes don’t know how to show myself such kindness.  - - - 

I love that. Giving myself acceptance and forgiveness is my work. I think I am getting better at it, adding in course correction. OR I have a lovely overly inflated view of myself, hard to say. 

I need to record my bathroom conversations/joke party. And then never do anything with it. How hard could video editing be? I say as I know myself to be only a turn it off, turn it back on tech level individual. Or I should just get a mic, that's better. I should see if the one I had recommended to me is available in town (#shoplocal) oh wow, it's $200!! 

Like I don't blow that amount of money regularly. Nor would I have any idea how much anything to do with recording would cost, and now I do. It's not even the most expensive, learning new things every day. 

This pandy, hey? The usual bitch fest followed by some lessons. GODAMN I AM NOT BUILT TO BE ALONE, hot damn! What a nightmare this time has been, my FOMO YOLO ways just suddenly stopped was an addiction rehab I did not see coming. Holy shit, I hate not being around people - and now I am leery of being around people. I went to an event that was to be on a rooftop patio and because of (what I think is a v small amount of) rain, it went indoors and I have never felt such a visceral punch as suddenly seeing 100 faces all at once after no more than a couple for a year and a half. I try my best to be a helpmate to my grandparents and am reliant on public transit so it seemed balanced to limit my circle 8 since, people see people and I really don't think the public got that your circle of ten was supposed to be it for one another, not your ten and their ten and their ten. The bathtub has been a safety cocoon for me since childhood but man, I have never spent so much time crying in a bathtub before (may I never again - both for better situations and coping skills) Also, shout out to Lush for your products  and you are welcome for the couple grand. 

I both want to see everyone and no one. I want to reach out to the people and I have realized that some people never pour back for me and what do I do with that? We're all in a pandemic but I had my absence of boundaries and buying my self worth through gifting others presents balanced against a lot of behaviours I tolerated that preceded pandy significantly. 

I do realize that my chasing the FOMO every night was outrunning what I did not want to deal with and part of my giving is my love language but some of it is trying to buy love from a place of not believing I am deserving of as is .

I used to book in nights with myself, I kept my life so packed. I am still a pendulum swinging as I don't know where the impetuous starts from truly an insatiable curiosity and love of experience  versus avoidance of being alone and looking certain situations/ways of being in the face. 

I took good care of my body when living in BC because I had other people to do it with. I have been beating myself up for this need to have people included in order to accomplish tasks/goals as opposed to doing it all on my own. But I also know I have a real inability to see myself and the work I do, work I do well. 

I fixed my taxes after 10 years - hadn't filed, gov't owed me money, spent over a decade in shame with this amongst key pieces of evidence of how shitty a person I believe myself to be. How did that voice get associated with truth? I know logically it's not but it still sings lowly at the back of my mind and I never hear the hum for its familiarity. 

Got my ID back (health card/ Age of majority card) - I don't want to drive, I am meant to be driven and enjoying the view. Was also avoiding this to not alert the gov't to where I was. Like they don't know at all times. 

Made a neighbour a new friend, new friend is even more committed than I am to the hangout (not for lack of desire, just rusty at spontaneous hangs) which is an amazing experience. 

Negotiated payments for my cat when she decided to blow up my bank account with her tricky intestines. 

I also haven't been to a doctor for close to a decade for mourning and further avoidance and increased shame for being a terrible adult. I have made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday where I am lining up points, questions, requests and ready for scheduling. 

I did actually (since this post started in mid 2020, I have a few drafts *kanye shrug*) keep around 90% of my money in Toronto (notwithstanding I don't know actually who gets the money from my hydro, products I bought from local shops weren't always made here, etc) or at the very least in Canada. 

I donated a lot more of my paycheck in the last 18 months as, if I couldn't fix my own, I desperately wanted to reduce someone else's suffering. Which is not to say I am doing the donating or allyship well but I am on the path and will get more informed and better at helping opportunity not be for a few. I am grateful for my friends that are also on this path as it makes me feel more hopeful that the needle will move, not as slowly as the past. 

If my massage therapist, chef, musically inclined, curious, considerate, extremely hot and orally gifted partner wants to show up right meow, I'm pretty ready to be taken as is. I know I'm pretty good but the best part of me is that I am changing and evolving. Life is a ride. Even as I curse the Universe for not giving a shit when I am untethered in the emotional chaos, my lodestone is a love of life and the iron is pure joy.

A haiku :

When we meet again

Either deep hugs or jock nods

Unpredictable

xoxo,

A