I don't know if this is a four season thing but shit, spring makes people RANDY in Ontario.
We've all been wearing parkas/mittens/scarves/giant boots/carting bags of business wear and suddenly...you don't have all that. Suddenly, you want to bare every inch of skin possible as it is ghost white and this indignity will not stand, man!
People are giving each other the hey, girl, hey looks all over the place. Omigod. Where did they come from? is an oft heard cry. They were there last summer too, homey, but now with 24% more sexaaaayyyyy!!
I, for one, am all for it. I intend to do a sublime blend of sunglasses (I look good) vs hairy eyeball and undress hot men openly with my eyeballs. Hello, Nudie. Honestly, if this was the Matrix the green flowly data bits would be hormones clogging up the air supply. Go forth, humans! Multiply! or use contraceptives wisely and just fuck a lot. Either or.
I was reading the secret to long life (there is only one) includes garlic (check), positive thinking (check) and inversion tables (this list maybe bunk) so basically at 66% success - I'm feeling good about my prospects. If the secret in truth ends up being lack of drugs and alcohol - I'm hooped and accept it.
And THEN - winter is back. Mother Nature, tease. Bending everyone over and making them desperate for her sweet, sultry summer return.
This just serves to jerk the people into a frenzy of anticipation. Well, I know I am anticipating the hell out of summer dresses and eyeballing people and the smell of summer skin. I love the smell of summer skin. God bless 6 straight months of hot, hot, heat.
Was driving down the highway passing one of our national brewing companies and noticed the sign had the 'L' burnt out. So what I saw was MO! Son!
BWAHAHAHA! I DO want some 'Mo. No, I don't. Your beer is not delicious. I was with my sweet mumma during this drive and while I am slapping the dashboard in pure mirth she is stone faced. Mumma! I say. Mo!...Son!! and beam at her...
'Oh, I get it.' She says deadpan. Which kills my joy for 10 mins. Until it replays in my mind. Back to the joy. I love repeating jokes in my head. God, good one Self! Self high five!!
Soon the people will be complaining about the heat. Not me as I gave myself a pass to complain about weather in the last province so don't wanna keep Complain Nation going. I do need to ge the memo on not rushing around town. Slow and Low will be my new modus operandi.
I also intend to mindfully make my way to the beach with sunscreen. I will be putting sunscreen in every bag I own. 33 years it took me to get this lesson. High fives on learning! I also need a replacement Jenny from the block hat as I lost my last one in Baltimore. Sex scrambles the brain. Which I accept.
I'm gonna feel the earth rise up to support me, I am going to throw out high fives like confetti and throw my head back to laugh imbued with bursting joy. I am going to take time to watch beads of condensation slowly slide down glasses tinkling with large ice cubes that I will slide down my neck to counter the heat. Hedonism. Because it feels good.
#TeamMFBestSummerEver
xo
a haiku:
easy, rolling wave
inhale deeply from . your neck
condensation drips
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Lowered Expectation
I am in a glass case of emotion.
If you are looking for a funny post, I'd advise to wait until the next post. Which is fine, no one can be Suzy Sunshine all the time.
I am in the process of removing meaning from my/others actions and words. I am taking courses to help with my self development since I hadn't believed in myself the way my friends had. It's been outrageous in how it has made me realize how I look at everything though filters of the past. I am better at clearing up things with people as opposed to accepting my view as Truth and stewing. So fucking wasteful to stew.
In the course of sharing what I feel I have learned, I had friends remark that it sounded awesome so I invited them to check it out. I scheduled a night, people accepted. I was elated.
No one went. 8 people accepted, not a single followed through.
This is what I made it mean -
I clearly have not transformed in any way otherwise, they wouldn't have bailed. Clearly, they don't love me as much as they say or they would have wanted to do this for me, even when it was something for them that I intended. You can't force people to take things, but I didn't think I was forcing. If I had said, 'Homies! I won tickets to Beyonce's concert, head on down to Will Call!' No one would have been too tired, had a long day, cared about being late. Life happens? Sure fucking does. Doesn't mean you can't keep your word. Maybe this is a reflection of me. Maybe I don't keep my word. Maybe I am meant to learn that I am not that reliable a friend. Middle fingers in the air. No more fucks to give. I will never ask that group for anything again. This morning I was alternately leaning my head against the shower wall while crying and saying you need to keep moving, you'll be late. Again, you're always late. Since any upset sends me right to the self-flagellation zone. Sweet Universe, let that be one of the things I let the fuck go of. Nonsense.
If I am to truly be feeling love, I can't let this be a hindrance. Love has no expectations, rules or conditions. Can I feel this when I don't feel it back? Again, shouldn't be a concern. Do or do not.
Maybe I am failing at my course. Maybe I am too fucking stubborn to evolve. I sure do feel disempowered as hell. I want to turtle.
I am collecting evidence that I can't count on people. That I will always be Team B that people like from time to time. This is also a story I am making up. I can create whatever I want. I know this logically, but my old self is clinging to the hurt.
Truly unreasonable and completely different actions for me would be to truly make this mean nothing.
I can hear a gentleman of my acquaintance saying, 'Shake it off, Steel!'
You are not wrong! I do want to shake it off. Shaking it off to me right now means I will never ask them for anything again. Trust. Broken.
That is not who I want to be. At all. That doesn't open up a space for magic in my life and I want a new way of being. I want to see new actions in abundance. A plethora of new choices whereby I am easily moving through things without getting upset. As, with everything in my life, I don't get moderately upset.
I don't want to be wasteful with my time and love. I'm not sure what actions to take from here...please stand by. Will take the day to breathe it all in, and try to love it all out.
xo
a haiku:
I see you chains of pain
who wants to be a free bird
fly out of the fire.
If you are looking for a funny post, I'd advise to wait until the next post. Which is fine, no one can be Suzy Sunshine all the time.
I am in the process of removing meaning from my/others actions and words. I am taking courses to help with my self development since I hadn't believed in myself the way my friends had. It's been outrageous in how it has made me realize how I look at everything though filters of the past. I am better at clearing up things with people as opposed to accepting my view as Truth and stewing. So fucking wasteful to stew.
In the course of sharing what I feel I have learned, I had friends remark that it sounded awesome so I invited them to check it out. I scheduled a night, people accepted. I was elated.
No one went. 8 people accepted, not a single followed through.
This is what I made it mean -
I clearly have not transformed in any way otherwise, they wouldn't have bailed. Clearly, they don't love me as much as they say or they would have wanted to do this for me, even when it was something for them that I intended. You can't force people to take things, but I didn't think I was forcing. If I had said, 'Homies! I won tickets to Beyonce's concert, head on down to Will Call!' No one would have been too tired, had a long day, cared about being late. Life happens? Sure fucking does. Doesn't mean you can't keep your word. Maybe this is a reflection of me. Maybe I don't keep my word. Maybe I am meant to learn that I am not that reliable a friend. Middle fingers in the air. No more fucks to give. I will never ask that group for anything again. This morning I was alternately leaning my head against the shower wall while crying and saying you need to keep moving, you'll be late. Again, you're always late. Since any upset sends me right to the self-flagellation zone. Sweet Universe, let that be one of the things I let the fuck go of. Nonsense.
If I am to truly be feeling love, I can't let this be a hindrance. Love has no expectations, rules or conditions. Can I feel this when I don't feel it back? Again, shouldn't be a concern. Do or do not.
Maybe I am failing at my course. Maybe I am too fucking stubborn to evolve. I sure do feel disempowered as hell. I want to turtle.
I am collecting evidence that I can't count on people. That I will always be Team B that people like from time to time. This is also a story I am making up. I can create whatever I want. I know this logically, but my old self is clinging to the hurt.
Truly unreasonable and completely different actions for me would be to truly make this mean nothing.
I can hear a gentleman of my acquaintance saying, 'Shake it off, Steel!'
You are not wrong! I do want to shake it off. Shaking it off to me right now means I will never ask them for anything again. Trust. Broken.
That is not who I want to be. At all. That doesn't open up a space for magic in my life and I want a new way of being. I want to see new actions in abundance. A plethora of new choices whereby I am easily moving through things without getting upset. As, with everything in my life, I don't get moderately upset.
I don't want to be wasteful with my time and love. I'm not sure what actions to take from here...please stand by. Will take the day to breathe it all in, and try to love it all out.
xo
a haiku:
I see you chains of pain
who wants to be a free bird
fly out of the fire.
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