I have been sitting with sadness for the last 24 hours so far. I am super good at compartmentalizing and usually my brain instantly reminds me about how many people have it much, much worse and I don't really deserve those feelings so chin up.
So I have been silently screaming and crying for that time. I don't like outside emotions except joy.
I purloined my best friends Disney account and watched Lilo and Stitch and more ugly crying and silent screaming. But the boxes break open and then the emotions ask to leave, I thank them for their tenure, shake hands with the lesson (ha! kidding most I'll give another whirl) and then let them sit outside my body. The only encumberance to actually doing this blog is the speed of my thoughts which are so much faster than these fingers. Thanks for working though fingers, real shout out on the things you make easier. And better. And more pleasurable.
Man, this has been some time with my thoughts. I'm usually doing multiple things at a time with multiple people and so that's a lot of bandwidth suddenly giving suppressed things so much open road. Like most things, I had said intentions outloud - the need for isolation to figure why I need to be so FOMO YOLO all the time, unearth the why behind the balance and reasons behind needing alone time but never wanting it or granting it, etc. So glad I'm pretty - anyhoo, here I am.
I'd also like to shout out my facility in any social situation. The more people I meet the more I realize this is a GD gift. I have the ability to speak and put people at ease, make them laugh, think about things and I super seldom step on any landmines. I can often see where they are for people and pick up micro twitches and back away from any sensitivity as one of my fav cliches says, 'You catch more flies with honey.' and frankly, it's true and I am pure honey. I play a long game with everyone. I exude joy and slowly leak my opinions in bit and bites because people cannot be forced, they instantly lock down. I should know. If you look up 'la mula' in the dictionary, me in full No pose/face/teeth would be seen. I will not be forced. Most of the time.
The, of which there are very few, downside to living alone is it's always my turn. I want another coffee. But we are in love in the time of cholera. aka covid. I wish I had a balcony. This is a real nice box, I have curated a nice life around me, but I'd like a little more air.
Sent my sweet mumma a text saying I was feeling sad last night and she wrote me back to say she was very sorry to hear but also my blessings! Clean water - her favourite (verbatim on that part) and a loving family, a posse (again verbatim for that) of friends who love me and a nephew Lucas who was even now saying he loves and misses his Aunty Nana. See! It could be much, much worse! This has been brought to you by the Universe rubbing my nose in it since I refuse to get the memo. I get it, I see it and she gets it from her mama so where does it stop. Hopefully with this childless wonder. Not hopefully, right here. Because it's not wrong, I do want to be aware of the injustice in the world so I can take action around it and I am allowed to be sad about whatever.
I've said it before, my incredible mom is a Buddhist amongst raging assholes and is always patient and kind. I poke. So much. and she is beatific throughout. I now know where the toll for that work lies and so I hope both of us strike a balance in between being the good we want to see in the world and breaking ourselves on that cross. To take it back to my childhood imagery.
I am trying not to rush through this time and think when will it be over as elements of it never will be and I am learning valuable lessons, nuggets about myself, new ways of being in the present and future. I hope I always have open eyes and awareness so as not to let moments pass me by.
I really hope my pussy gets a fuckton more love in 2020 as well.
Shoutout to my nurse friends, the people I know who are showing every day for the paycheck they need. May this time show us what's possible for letting people grow, achieve and live in dignity in a way that hasn't been afforded previously.
I honestly wish I followed myself around or at least was mic'd so I could capture both my hilarity! oh man - you should have seen my set in the bathroom mirror last night. I killed it. I'd also loved to have captured a lot of the work I have done around ways of being in my cocoon. I have had real long baths with much cannabis and tried to get at the root of certain people I was hurt by and angry at and what was I not seeing about myself, what decisions of mine had dictated steps? I had some real clarity while down in the dark pits and I wish I had captured it better to be able to review and hold myself to different actions.
Also, since I don't write a single one of these in one shot, I also had a fight with my mom regarding defunding the police. It has been pointed out to me by my cousin J and my bes fren that maybe I went a little hard. And maybe. It was from a place of shock. I count my mom as my font of empathy, kindness and love in action. I was unprepared for her to be 'Not all cops' and let's just give them more money and training as if they haven't already had that in spades. I'm getting riled up. I sent along peer reviewed studies on the numbers, hard data on arrest demographics, if cops are ever actually prosecuted for their crimes, and recounts of training and police culture from cops themselves. She has a double major in English and Psychology which she did in less than four years. My smart mom! I didn't build a bridge on that one and if I can't have a dialogue with my mom? I'm now doubting having vulnerable conversations with her and if I am completely wrong about my ability to communicate. Also, in my almost 41 years, I have virtually never had a fight with my mom. I've been a hormonal/otherwise bitch to her and she met me back with love or space, which is love. Hardly anyone says that so where can I go with love from that fact? It's real question to be answered with time I guess.
Also, Majka if you're reading this, it's only a matter of time before J is in front of you with her eldest and M is a 10 yr old already 100 lb and growing boy. He is maximum a couple short years from being carded by cops, being treated suspiciously in stores if he's not with his white mama and being pulled over for driving his dad's fancy car. And if you don't think so, you don't have any black friends and aren't speaking with any people of colour as that is the lived experience of anyone not white. I love you.
Also, all y'all, if you haven't heard yet as it's being suppressed, in India Hindus are attacking Muslims with impunity and killing people.
https://foreignpolicy.com/2020/03/02/india-muslims-delhi-riots-danger/
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/12/world/asia/india-police-muslims.html
Journalists are being attacked and Muslim people painted with the familiar trope of terrorist. Please familiarize yourself and bring it to the attention of your MP/MPPs.
I really want my Covid miracle to be more community and giving a shit about one another.
Ha! Actually read this before posting it and written over two days it genuinely is like me talking to me. As if I go from I am honey to maybe I'm a shitty communicator without realizing it. Meh. All the thoughts stay. Maybe for rumination later. See yourself, Annie.
A haiku:
it's topsy turvy
strive for our personal best
Change, only constant
xo
A
Friday, 10 July 2020
Thursday, 2 January 2020
Don't have the bandwidth for you
I got some real work to find out why the masculines I invite into my life always start with that. Don't have the bandwidth, not here for a long-term, don't fall in love easily. bitch! who asked you? Why does this constitute the opening line so many times. It's me in some way, Universe because I front like I don't give a shit overall? I don't situationally, when a guy on a date as a typical scenario says this I'm like bro, I don't know if I want to know you past this hour. Maybe not after the second date, let's just see if we can make each other interested in the thoughts that pour out, is there any chemistry (on my end) before you tell me about not wanting a euphemistic 'more'?
I know there is more, a shitload more (weep), work to be done to being vulnerable and open but I don't trust anyone. I have evidence not to trust. I have heard no for various (valid) reasons when I have reached out from painful, vulnerable positions. I'm sure I have evidence that trusting works out as well, but my recall is not really pulling up anything on that end.
2020 try, trust and do. I know that I need to have new ways of being around those pillars. But would it be too much to ask for a lottery winning so I could go to an island sip coconuts everyday, make friends with the flora and fauna and just not? That'd be my fav. But not the point of this human journey, I guess.
I had a wonderful trip to a few cities in Europe for my 40th turn around the sun. It was important to me as I have been an instant gratification person for years and spending all my travel time between Vancouver and Toronto and needed to get all the way away. It was magical being with my Best Friend and her family in Italy. I loved seeing Carmen, I loved even significantly damaging my skin under the sun as it was a reminder that it's been a long time since that happened to so high five to me for having developed better habits around keeping my self healthy in a few different arenas. I do need to double check what my status is on sunscreen in every bag and their expiries. God, I love the sun. I love eating other peoples' food. I love spending time in cafes and on patios at night, I love eating late. Many parts of Europe were wonderful for those vibes. Not you, Glasgow but Lecce and Split for sure.
Split, Croatia is magical and I will go back many times. Also, I have never gotten so many gold stars for speaking the language as in my beloved Motherland. Also, shout out to Croatia for having a lot of really beautiful people, I love looking at beautiful people and zip lining - not related.
I am enjoying being a part time vegan. I hope it is in fact having some kind of positive result in my life. If only I could not love all the meats and cheeses but shit do I. I look at all the supplements in my cupboard and I need to get better at printing out a tiny paragraph from whatever article I have read that convinced me it was a good addition to my life. Also, think a lot about what is on this earth that could be healing/ helping and boosting my particular body. Also, have read many articles about how shitty and unconcerned the medical industry is for women. Self advocacy and all. I have gone in with many people into offices that are to theoretically ameliorate their health and lives and end up acting as a defence lawyer being all but what about? They told you this? It is so hard to find a doctor that embraces multiple therapies and gives their patients time and concern. Not a rubber stamp on a prescription sold to them by a company. The thing when ever someone tries to bring up, "not all..." as a counter point to me it says my point trumps yours and because I know of one, your collective experience/evidence is null. Which blows my mind that someone could process that way but humans, we are a bizarre bunch. I wish I could be a idiot/asshole whisperer. Including for myself.
I have been asked why don't do stand up and there's probably something lined to my previous musings on vulnerability as I cannot think of anything I would like to do less than get up in front of a crowd and perform. I am though, in real life, all the time. Universe, what are you leading me to? I don't mean to be resisting but I get asked about my writing and stand up all the time, I'd hate to think I am being nudged to a path that I am ignorantly avoiding. Or could you bring a mentor into my life for this? I'm looking for help on a few ostrich head in the sand. I keep saying I don't know why for a few things and genuinely reflecting, talking with friends and answers on a few heart questions remains elusive. I know I am going to be honing myself and growing over a lifetime but could I move onto different challenges. Not harder ones, just different.
Time for a mini shoutout to J Cole, fucking glorious.
I want a team of supporters, I want to feel secure in relationships, I want to stop questioning my worth. I celebrate the mini glimpses I get into what that looks like but also am happy for it to show up in ways I could never have imagined. That's what I want to truly get better at, not having any idea of how 'it' will look but feeling the surety that it will, I need to be better at giving out trust as well.
I would love to know what the person furiously typing away on their phone next to me is communicating about. I probably don't since there's a million things where I have retroactively wished I knew nothing about that business. Since I do feel responsible for some kind of action around every situation I am apprised of. Although, I totally don't mind it for drunk Annie. In bar bathrooms, public transit whenever someone is like ain't this some shit! I am here for cheerleading - you right! that's completely reasonable/the appropriate response. Strangers get my opinion and advice all the time - they approach me though, I'm not just spouting off to hear the sound of my own voice. I do prefer to slowly shuffle away (from strangers, friends I'll sit with you through it) minding my own business. Especially since most people just need to talk it out for themselves and are not actually soliciting external validation. That was a good life lesson, shutting up and listening and only asking if they want any feedback without being attached to giving it, after they wind down the conversation path.
I have enjoyed this particular coffee shop for two hours which is a pretty cheap rate for drinks and internet for $5. I am grateful for these kind of spaces. So interesting to watch the people and go down various wormholes.
I would really love an umbrella hat, may be ridiculous but not holding an umbrella sounds like a dream. As I watch people walk in the rain. It'd be amazing if I had a bubble. I'd love a floating bubble. I need to work on that. Find some kind of science genius and get a magic solution to my moving through this world problem. Or again, the lottery and a driver.
Well, let's see what the rest of this day entails. Maybe the best? So many laughs and trailing fingers and delightful bites.
2020 show me all the good possibilities and let me embrace the actions that get me to and through them. Abundance and quiet miracles. Abundance and quiet miracles, abundance and quiet miracles.
a haiku:
Pointing at the map
Dream vacations in planning
be vulnerable
xoxo
A
I know there is more, a shitload more (weep), work to be done to being vulnerable and open but I don't trust anyone. I have evidence not to trust. I have heard no for various (valid) reasons when I have reached out from painful, vulnerable positions. I'm sure I have evidence that trusting works out as well, but my recall is not really pulling up anything on that end.
2020 try, trust and do. I know that I need to have new ways of being around those pillars. But would it be too much to ask for a lottery winning so I could go to an island sip coconuts everyday, make friends with the flora and fauna and just not? That'd be my fav. But not the point of this human journey, I guess.
I had a wonderful trip to a few cities in Europe for my 40th turn around the sun. It was important to me as I have been an instant gratification person for years and spending all my travel time between Vancouver and Toronto and needed to get all the way away. It was magical being with my Best Friend and her family in Italy. I loved seeing Carmen, I loved even significantly damaging my skin under the sun as it was a reminder that it's been a long time since that happened to so high five to me for having developed better habits around keeping my self healthy in a few different arenas. I do need to double check what my status is on sunscreen in every bag and their expiries. God, I love the sun. I love eating other peoples' food. I love spending time in cafes and on patios at night, I love eating late. Many parts of Europe were wonderful for those vibes. Not you, Glasgow but Lecce and Split for sure.
Split, Croatia is magical and I will go back many times. Also, I have never gotten so many gold stars for speaking the language as in my beloved Motherland. Also, shout out to Croatia for having a lot of really beautiful people, I love looking at beautiful people and zip lining - not related.
I am enjoying being a part time vegan. I hope it is in fact having some kind of positive result in my life. If only I could not love all the meats and cheeses but shit do I. I look at all the supplements in my cupboard and I need to get better at printing out a tiny paragraph from whatever article I have read that convinced me it was a good addition to my life. Also, think a lot about what is on this earth that could be healing/ helping and boosting my particular body. Also, have read many articles about how shitty and unconcerned the medical industry is for women. Self advocacy and all. I have gone in with many people into offices that are to theoretically ameliorate their health and lives and end up acting as a defence lawyer being all but what about? They told you this? It is so hard to find a doctor that embraces multiple therapies and gives their patients time and concern. Not a rubber stamp on a prescription sold to them by a company. The thing when ever someone tries to bring up, "not all..." as a counter point to me it says my point trumps yours and because I know of one, your collective experience/evidence is null. Which blows my mind that someone could process that way but humans, we are a bizarre bunch. I wish I could be a idiot/asshole whisperer. Including for myself.
I have been asked why don't do stand up and there's probably something lined to my previous musings on vulnerability as I cannot think of anything I would like to do less than get up in front of a crowd and perform. I am though, in real life, all the time. Universe, what are you leading me to? I don't mean to be resisting but I get asked about my writing and stand up all the time, I'd hate to think I am being nudged to a path that I am ignorantly avoiding. Or could you bring a mentor into my life for this? I'm looking for help on a few ostrich head in the sand. I keep saying I don't know why for a few things and genuinely reflecting, talking with friends and answers on a few heart questions remains elusive. I know I am going to be honing myself and growing over a lifetime but could I move onto different challenges. Not harder ones, just different.
Time for a mini shoutout to J Cole, fucking glorious.
I want a team of supporters, I want to feel secure in relationships, I want to stop questioning my worth. I celebrate the mini glimpses I get into what that looks like but also am happy for it to show up in ways I could never have imagined. That's what I want to truly get better at, not having any idea of how 'it' will look but feeling the surety that it will, I need to be better at giving out trust as well.
I would love to know what the person furiously typing away on their phone next to me is communicating about. I probably don't since there's a million things where I have retroactively wished I knew nothing about that business. Since I do feel responsible for some kind of action around every situation I am apprised of. Although, I totally don't mind it for drunk Annie. In bar bathrooms, public transit whenever someone is like ain't this some shit! I am here for cheerleading - you right! that's completely reasonable/the appropriate response. Strangers get my opinion and advice all the time - they approach me though, I'm not just spouting off to hear the sound of my own voice. I do prefer to slowly shuffle away (from strangers, friends I'll sit with you through it) minding my own business. Especially since most people just need to talk it out for themselves and are not actually soliciting external validation. That was a good life lesson, shutting up and listening and only asking if they want any feedback without being attached to giving it, after they wind down the conversation path.
I have enjoyed this particular coffee shop for two hours which is a pretty cheap rate for drinks and internet for $5. I am grateful for these kind of spaces. So interesting to watch the people and go down various wormholes.
I would really love an umbrella hat, may be ridiculous but not holding an umbrella sounds like a dream. As I watch people walk in the rain. It'd be amazing if I had a bubble. I'd love a floating bubble. I need to work on that. Find some kind of science genius and get a magic solution to my moving through this world problem. Or again, the lottery and a driver.
Well, let's see what the rest of this day entails. Maybe the best? So many laughs and trailing fingers and delightful bites.
2020 show me all the good possibilities and let me embrace the actions that get me to and through them. Abundance and quiet miracles. Abundance and quiet miracles, abundance and quiet miracles.
a haiku:
Pointing at the map
Dream vacations in planning
be vulnerable
xoxo
A
Forks in the Road
I really love getting to know myself better. At least the pleasure side. I am getting a significant amount better at self-care. I know that smoking a bowl and listening to Weak by SWV will calm me the fuck down. Downright serene. I didn't know that combo 5 years ago. Basically baths are my main bitch. It was the one place there's no hassle, no one rushed you. I read books for over an hour in the tub trying to as quietly as possible keep topping up hot water. Not that my family were tyrants by any stretch but available is available and in the bathroom is not available.
Like, my best friend broke me of privacy in the bathroom so I don't care as much nor in the same way but I need in my life at least one closed door no one gets to traverse in my life.
User Gael Hernandez Palmer - this particular Spotify playlist is a GD gem. Thank you.
It's easier to walk away than to look for what would make you stay - oh person I end up with, you are going to get a deluge of everything good, good. I am fucking good to my friends, I gotta milli testimonials, but there is a higher level of my care.
I know I have four nail clippers. I have been searching for them for days. They're spread out in places that once made sense to me. Future me will laugh and laugh when we stop this tortured game of hide and seek. Current me seethes with indignant self-flagellation.
While still needing to go to a mental health professional that I feel in sympatico with, I am also getting a lot better on talking myself down from various rage ridges. I'm a lot better at asking myself why so mad, bro? Most of the things I get worked up about on a daily bias are inconsequential. Not that they don't matter but I am not going to take action on it in the moment so, gotta let it flow. Be the water, not the rock. I am repeating this to myself ad nauseam. Letting go, it might be a 40s thing.
Do my action align with my words, am I sticking true to me, what is true to me? What are my boundaries?! I have had so few, not wanting to ever put anyone out. I get so frustrated watching Baka and my mom be self-sacrificing and giving no iota to their own care. And then monkey do what they have been seeing their whole lives, which they had done as well. I want off that hamster wheel. I want them off it too.
Patience is my nemesis. I want my journey to my best self to be over and I don't, honestly. My addict mind is thirsty AF for new - knowledge, experiences, skills, everything. I want everything. I got super pissed about asking someone to send me a pic so I could go pick up something and because I waited more than 48 hours, when I said no rush (also, I am aware of the power and nuance of langauge and my responsibility in how it lands for others)
I'm irritated as hell when I see people I thought of as friends posting pics from Toronto and never thought to reach out to me, or tell me too busy after the fact. To go full bitch in this moment, that's Vancouver people. I was warned when I got there but I went on such a friendship attack plan, I made a shitload of friends. I thought how I felt about people was reciprocated but clearly no. Unless you happen to be in front of them, people in Vancouver are, at best, nice acquaintances.
Also, don't fucking show up and tell me the day you land. This trip genuinely a surprise for you? Do you know me at all. I can drop some things but not everything. And thing is I would try because of how much friendship means to me but - and this kills me the most - I am starting to not fucking care.
Which brings me to the thing that causes the most pain and longing, I want someone(s) to show with action that I matter and I can think of three people for whom I believe that to be true. Not counting family who have to see me. Otherwise, we are friends because I believe in the work. And once I stop bleeding, I'll be able to shove these feelings down to a numb spot and carry on infusing my own life with joy but right now, fucking show up for me. Anybody.
I mentally do a five star ballet to keep conflict and sadness from my life and thus others but, shit, sometimes I'm tired and so I will go to the beach and read a book that will make me laugh and I'll feel grateful for grass listing in the wind, sunlight through leaves, friends laughing with/at each other, smoking with my toes in the water. And learn boundaries and how to use the language that tells people what I need from them instead of shouting into the echoing apathy of the internet.
Self, I hope you also acknowledge the ways you are amazing. Get rid of that blindspot. Get rid of the secret part of you that still demands perfection. Also, put up another post it note saying, get rid of expectations. Stop breakingyour own heart with hopes around others' actions. You are the Captain of the starship your own damn happiness. Enjoy your wins. Share always. I believe in me. I'm not dead yet so hope and opportunity remain ample. Love me, love me, love me.
a haiku:
what version is this
or does the progress count more
you go, butterfly
xox
A
Like, my best friend broke me of privacy in the bathroom so I don't care as much nor in the same way but I need in my life at least one closed door no one gets to traverse in my life.
User Gael Hernandez Palmer - this particular Spotify playlist is a GD gem. Thank you.
It's easier to walk away than to look for what would make you stay - oh person I end up with, you are going to get a deluge of everything good, good. I am fucking good to my friends, I gotta milli testimonials, but there is a higher level of my care.
I know I have four nail clippers. I have been searching for them for days. They're spread out in places that once made sense to me. Future me will laugh and laugh when we stop this tortured game of hide and seek. Current me seethes with indignant self-flagellation.
While still needing to go to a mental health professional that I feel in sympatico with, I am also getting a lot better on talking myself down from various rage ridges. I'm a lot better at asking myself why so mad, bro? Most of the things I get worked up about on a daily bias are inconsequential. Not that they don't matter but I am not going to take action on it in the moment so, gotta let it flow. Be the water, not the rock. I am repeating this to myself ad nauseam. Letting go, it might be a 40s thing.
Do my action align with my words, am I sticking true to me, what is true to me? What are my boundaries?! I have had so few, not wanting to ever put anyone out. I get so frustrated watching Baka and my mom be self-sacrificing and giving no iota to their own care. And then monkey do what they have been seeing their whole lives, which they had done as well. I want off that hamster wheel. I want them off it too.
Patience is my nemesis. I want my journey to my best self to be over and I don't, honestly. My addict mind is thirsty AF for new - knowledge, experiences, skills, everything. I want everything. I got super pissed about asking someone to send me a pic so I could go pick up something and because I waited more than 48 hours, when I said no rush (also, I am aware of the power and nuance of langauge and my responsibility in how it lands for others)
I'm irritated as hell when I see people I thought of as friends posting pics from Toronto and never thought to reach out to me, or tell me too busy after the fact. To go full bitch in this moment, that's Vancouver people. I was warned when I got there but I went on such a friendship attack plan, I made a shitload of friends. I thought how I felt about people was reciprocated but clearly no. Unless you happen to be in front of them, people in Vancouver are, at best, nice acquaintances.
Also, don't fucking show up and tell me the day you land. This trip genuinely a surprise for you? Do you know me at all. I can drop some things but not everything. And thing is I would try because of how much friendship means to me but - and this kills me the most - I am starting to not fucking care.
Which brings me to the thing that causes the most pain and longing, I want someone(s) to show with action that I matter and I can think of three people for whom I believe that to be true. Not counting family who have to see me. Otherwise, we are friends because I believe in the work. And once I stop bleeding, I'll be able to shove these feelings down to a numb spot and carry on infusing my own life with joy but right now, fucking show up for me. Anybody.
I mentally do a five star ballet to keep conflict and sadness from my life and thus others but, shit, sometimes I'm tired and so I will go to the beach and read a book that will make me laugh and I'll feel grateful for grass listing in the wind, sunlight through leaves, friends laughing with/at each other, smoking with my toes in the water. And learn boundaries and how to use the language that tells people what I need from them instead of shouting into the echoing apathy of the internet.
Self, I hope you also acknowledge the ways you are amazing. Get rid of that blindspot. Get rid of the secret part of you that still demands perfection. Also, put up another post it note saying, get rid of expectations. Stop breakingyour own heart with hopes around others' actions. You are the Captain of the starship your own damn happiness. Enjoy your wins. Share always. I believe in me. I'm not dead yet so hope and opportunity remain ample. Love me, love me, love me.
a haiku:
what version is this
or does the progress count more
you go, butterfly
xox
A
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