"The door to the invisible must be visible," wrote the surrealist spiritual author Rene Daumal. This describes an opportunity that is on the verge of becoming available to you. The opportunity is still invisible simply because it has no precedents in your life; you can't imagine what it is. But just recently a door to that unknown realm has become visible to you. I suggest you open it, even though you have almost no idea what's on the other side.
The toes clenched tight to the edge of the cliff, the stomach churning with fear and vivacity. Heightened senses causing skin to tingle everywhere the breeze glances by. Taking chances - no greater test of being alive. I am incrementally moving towards being someone who revels in that rush, who takes the jump. Not listening to the greasy voice that whispers, 'Stay safe, back away, maybe try later, consider what could happen.' You know, because we all have Jojo's psychic capabilities. I mean that actually, to in fact say I have no idea what will happen but I have let the bogeyman be in charge. The maybes squash my possibilities. Which are infinite, magical, an unfulfilled promise.
I do love making fresh coffee in the morning, more so on the weekends - let's be real, yo, but when you first grind the beans/catch the first whiff of the bewitching aroma and are instantly charged. I'm gonna DO THIS day. I will be resuming morning runs with a partner. I miss the 'I'm so angry I'm awake' dissolving into quiet, evolving into just joy. The light as it creeps along waters, radiates through branches and leaves and the stillness. A stillness that peels back the noise, raucous in my mind, until I just want to sing. My running buddy and part time saviour and I would go through a litany of thanks while pounding trails through Stanley Park and along an abandoned seawall. Thank you to the Goddess Gaia for this bounty! Thank you big baby jesus for the sea air as an apology to my still sleepy lungs! Thank you Buddha for no one else on this trail right now! Thanks legs for doing this! Thanks running buddy for being annoying/persistent enough to outweigh sleeping through this magnificence. Thanks from future me to current me for being able to go guilt free to after work drinks! The high five at the end of a morning run, when you see bleary eyed, zombie-esque people lurching from their homes and you are ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE! is an explosion of magic that illuminates the whole day.
I see you Cynical Cindy styles over there and trust! this is the total truth. Confessional Cathy admits that the aforementioned wonder and joy hasn't happened in....well, years. I am singing a siren song to myself that will lure me back to that place of awesomeness.
I really want to run another marathon, I felt very accomplished when it was over and I did appreciate (in hindsight) the dedication it took to get the miles (on miles, on miles) done every week. I feel I'd also like to get into rock climbing. Dudes. I like watching the backs of climbers. Watching the interplay of muscles straining and firing to make an explosive move take a person higher, further. I'd like that strong back/core/etc. Plus, I think it would make me 41% sexier and frankly, I'm starting from a good base of hotness. People talk about it. And by people I mean my best friend and my cat. Who agrees. I'm sure that's what that blink and resumed napping meant.
I am thrilled, THRILLED people that it is Hallowe'en-y time. Now, I am not putting in my usual effort/ardor as laziness trumped desire this go round but still I'm Golden Girl-ing it up with some festive, fascinating broads. I love thinking of what to go as, the procuring of the costume items, the seeing other people be full on into it. They sing the song of my people. There is so much play and so much freedom in dressing up and going out with that mentality?!! Fun! Fun is the only thing that will happen - ab exercising laughter, bombshells and amazement. I cannot wait for what is to come. I know it will be great. God, that was a good time - type of memories. Pieces of enchantment.
Special shout out to my best friend on the day of her birth. You are my favourite partner in crime. I love running errands that turn into jokes and merriment. I enjoy being the side kick to the adventurous plans you embark on. You love me more than most, believe in me all the time, want the best for me and shitdamn, it's reciprocal. I cannot wait to be napping together as old ladies by the beach. I'm a ninja. Behind you. Love you Mer, forever and ever.
a haiku:
feeling so merry
gonna have shenanigans
it's all amazing.
xo
Friday, 25 October 2013
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
All night long
Sometimes I really feel like my cat is fed up with me. An exasperated look with a head tilt, 'Really, I've been repeating the same damn phrases over and over. It took me FOREVER to teach you about the water by the window.'
And how did she train me to that? Oh right! Bitch can't leave a beverage glass alone.
Well, I mean, no one's throwing shade on that. Who doesn't love watching beads of condensation lazily trace a haphazard path down an icy glass on a smokin hot night? And who hasn't mistakenly (knowingly) drank someone's drink because it was fresher/more plentiful/had ice? YE without sin!...
She actually looks full of piss and vinegar in this photo and really, aside from all dogs, birds and siamese fighting fish, she is quite a lover. And it's truthfully that she had been sleeping but because she wakes me up all the time when I'm sleeping, I do it to her. Hmm, something cyclical about it now that I am saying it out loud...
Well, I mean, no one's throwing shade on that. Who doesn't love watching beads of condensation lazily trace a haphazard path down an icy glass on a smokin hot night? And who hasn't mistakenly (knowingly) drank someone's drink because it was fresher/more plentiful/had ice? YE without sin!...
She actually looks full of piss and vinegar in this photo and really, aside from all dogs, birds and siamese fighting fish, she is quite a lover. And it's truthfully that she had been sleeping but because she wakes me up all the time when I'm sleeping, I do it to her. Hmm, something cyclical about it now that I am saying it out loud...
She also doesn't know that she's no spring chicken unlike my moderate....steady...mature self. You know! A wise woman mused about age being nothing but a numba' and another sage vixen convinces me time is nothing but a construct at 4 in the morning. I think the reason people think I'm younger than I am is my unabashed enthusiasm for everything. Who doesn't love enthusiasm? I LOVE enthusiasm! I mean, not all the time. Even I'd give me a fresh one. That long distance feeling. But still, being jaded and cool (I'm cool, let's not kid ourselves but I mean 'cool', like ugh *eye roll* cool) takes a lot more effort. She killed a crow bigger than her and dragged it home to show off. I was proud. Moubebe is cool.
I really think expiration dates are kind of a good suggestion. Assuming it doesn't smell or if you are going to be baking/re-frying at a high heat - I really feel you're solid. Or, I guess, more accurately, I'm testing my body to see what it will let me get away with. I think it's kind of apocalypse training. I wanna survive with the cucaroaches. And hot sauce, you gotta be the boss of your intestines. Hahaha! Napalming the jungle. If you are not reading the Oatmeal, you don't like yourself. Or, we have really different senses of humour. If so - There are gonna be a lot crickets over there with you.
I think the reason I love so many good times hip hop songs as much as I do is the spirit of the song conveying a total investment in the moment. There is no better party than this party, no more wicked friends than these, no such thing as too much. Hedonism. A throat punch for the person who gets unruly. Stay on this side of the line. But party right up to the line. Forever Young. Sippin' from your cup until it runneth over.
My sippy cup is really helping me drink so much more water, which is great. That I had to re-read the words sippy cup to realize that maybe a mid-30s individual should have a more mature (pronounced MA-tour) glass, isn't so great. Maybe a sippy cup isn't cool.
Naw, that ain't it.
In my mind I'm a real renegade, devil may care! Whimsical and full of bonhomie. One might argue this is the truth as I operate from this platform or that it's a mask convincing in its lurid appeal. I would love to go to a masked ball like super Savannah circa 1902 styles. (currently Googling if that was, in fact, a thing in Savannah in 1902...they sure did! And still do! God bless'em) Featuring a costume with lots of feathers. and a sassy high front hemline and low neckline. Dudes.
God. I would love a dip into history as presented by Hollywood films. Like the main scene you remember from Moulin Rouge where everyone is boisterous, swilling absinthe, debauchers. Swoon.
That's all I got right now.
a haiku
Instantly perform
chances are I'm a winner
just superlative.
xo
My sippy cup is really helping me drink so much more water, which is great. That I had to re-read the words sippy cup to realize that maybe a mid-30s individual should have a more mature (pronounced MA-tour) glass, isn't so great. Maybe a sippy cup isn't cool.
Naw, that ain't it.
In my mind I'm a real renegade, devil may care! Whimsical and full of bonhomie. One might argue this is the truth as I operate from this platform or that it's a mask convincing in its lurid appeal. I would love to go to a masked ball like super Savannah circa 1902 styles. (currently Googling if that was, in fact, a thing in Savannah in 1902...they sure did! And still do! God bless'em) Featuring a costume with lots of feathers. and a sassy high front hemline and low neckline. Dudes.
God. I would love a dip into history as presented by Hollywood films. Like the main scene you remember from Moulin Rouge where everyone is boisterous, swilling absinthe, debauchers. Swoon.
That's all I got right now.
a haiku
Instantly perform
chances are I'm a winner
just superlative.
xo
Monday, 14 October 2013
Go Bus Musings
I have FOMO.
Fear of missing out. This means that people jokingly say my middle name is, "I'm in" as there are very few things/new experiences/opportunities that I will say no to. I do forego nights in, as I can't take the chance that these pints are 'THAT time.' The story unfolding without me as a contributing character? I say, nay. Thou shall not sally forth without me on the Team. I was recently called the Pied Piper of Good Times and I have seldom been so happy with an appellation.
Now, I do believe I am the only Commander of this ship and while I have operated like it's a perpetual solo mission in the past, I now want to give another captain a chance. I can be a saucy confidante, cheer leader and co-conspirator.
My iPod on random is directing these adventitious musings.
I just want a first date and enough communication from you to determine at the end if we want to high five, wishing one another the best on future hunts or making plans got further mayhem. I'll be honest in my communication - even if from time to time it's that I don't want to communicate. I want someone as is, recognizing we are all changing and getting cooler and more free.
Keep your face radical - I'm addicted to finding new music both that moves me and the sweet posteriors of those I shoulder shake with. It continually blows me away to see the joy beaming from dozens of faces as they shimmy in syncopation, eyes closed, united by notes and words that bounced around a stranger's head until it was birthed out to have resonance in waves, passed from friend to file sharing program, to coffee shop, to Shazam, to friend, to blog to this moment.
I listen to Biggie and while I have zero idea of what it's like to be a black man in public housing or why Christmas missed us, I can hear my experience in not letting others hold me down and the lottery fantasies we all entertain. If you don't know, now you know. Big up, 1994.
Followed by Robyn which immediate puts me in a little club in Vancouver and all my friends dancing. Unbridled and invigorated, a-glow with perspiration and the magnification of their own energy and happiness reflected from every shiny face around them.
You know when you feel the joy start in your heart and pulsing out to feel like it's set every cell vibrating because all there is, is now/this. My brain shouts, I'm so happy! and I stamp it into all the dark shadows, eroding their gnarled clutches in the recesses of my mind.
I'ma get myself one of those sparkly numbers when I have honed my figure into a pillar of strength. And pay someone to teach me several rounds of Beyonce's choreography. BAM! write that shit down. I'm awesome.
These unfiltered thoughts have been brought to you from one tryptophan coma bleeding into another. Everyone I've spoken to loves Thanksgiving - all the fun with none of the stress of presents. Just being thankful.
It is incredible how much happier we are when the sun is shining. Thanks, ball of fire. You do good work. I love cinnamon, it ignites my innards I feel warm and saucy. I love feeling saucy. Dudes.
I love public transit. Except the days I don't, like in the winter when everyone piles in with their we parkas, smelling like pond dipped dogs, carrying their office shoes and all the other shenanigans you dispense with in the summer, grimacing at one another for daring to need so much space.
However, witnessing swoon-y couples not carrying about public displays, knitting grandmas casting baleful glances at unruly teenagers, loud talkers boisterously recounting some incredible tale (guilty) and iPod stuffed/book shielded introverts on a mission really makes me ponder my compatriots. I love wondering about their travels and how much life, love, sorrow, mystery is stuffed in these under ground cans hurtling sub- terra.
However, witnessing swoon-y couples not carrying about public displays, knitting grandmas casting baleful glances at unruly teenagers, loud talkers boisterously recounting some incredible tale (guilty) and iPod stuffed/book shielded introverts on a mission really makes me ponder my compatriots. I love wondering about their travels and how much life, love, sorrow, mystery is stuffed in these under ground cans hurtling sub- terra.
Sliding Doors is one of my favourite movies and I think about the possibility that I am living several concurrent lives determined by the choice to have sushi or mediterranean in the food court. What brings this particular group of humanity together in this moment? Where do we all ripple out to? A fragile, shimmering, unheeded web between us. I love that National geographic story of the seal trying to feed the camera man.
I think a soul's default mode is nurturing, we just pile on a bunch of hooks like selfishness, impatience, self-doubt etc on it. However, when we are kind - a space for another soul to feel safe and flourish in, that's why we feel so good. Fulfilling on the soul's desired purpose. Go forth, make love. I don't mean get frisky (but please, do get frisky) since making love as a phrase gives me the no feeling but more so make love the default mode, where all decisions and commitments start from. I know intellectually when I operate from a place of doing for others I actually tap the most reward, bright surprises exploded generously in my experience. I wanted you to know, that I am ready to go - heartbeat.
My favourite colour is lying beneath the trees, sun streaming through leaves, green. There's nothing like it. And hooker red. Those are my two favourites.
You go punch dance out your joy - or rage until you feel joy.
You go punch dance out your joy - or rage until you feel joy.
a haiku:
Anticipation
heartbeat speeds up just before...
the pause before us
xo
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
No brakes!
I just want what I want. Tonight, I want chicken wings, crispy, and sussing out a butcher who can guarantee that Chicken Little ran free during his life (for a fee) is killing me.
Not as much as it is the chicken, I guess.
So to a butcher I go. I think all the time about the poor animals. If I can not smell roasted meat I contemplate their lot in life, if I can - well, I got one love. For my tummy. I am trying to be mostly vegetarian though, since we are killing the earth for the food industry. You know who should get all the Nobel Prizes? The person who mimics the taste of deep fry in vegetable format. I'd eat a pinecone deep fried. I'll be running errands via public transit on my way to my home away from home in the Tdiz which means that I have gone from I want A, B, C, D to ...I can make do with B and D. I want to get back to the sitting part pretty quickly tonight. I just know that'll be pyjama wearing, laughing, barely moving and not caring comfort. Which I really dig.
However, I'll be giving dudes the eye on the way around town. Ignore the redness. I touched my contacts with hot sauce for billionth time. Perchance I am here as a walking warning label for others. At least I am having a great time doing it.
I'd like to take a cooking class. I have only recently come to the realization that cooking with wine is bad. Not as an ingredient but as fuel for my inability to focus which, turns out, is important when throwing various things onto high heat sources. Learning!! I have gotten the memo on prep, that it's 91% of the battle (percentages maybe exaggerated)
My secret (no more!) desire is to renegade night-time drive around with buckets of flower seeds in early spring and just toss handfuls of seeds whilst taking on/off ramps just to inject colour/delight into commutes which are often not. I think about it all the time when I see these ramshackle p-lots of grass. Something hardy like Blanket flower, Sage(s), Lavender - that would jack up my joy in driving around the concrete jungle. Like the people who yarn bomb. That's shit's great.
You're great.
I am listening to George Stroumboulopoulos chat with Shad - whom I think is a great rapper. As well as K-os, Classified and Drizzy.
- Just to re-iterate if you see different coloured font, that shiz is a link to power and magic, click away -
Happy thoughts.
a haiku:
some junk in the trunk
wanderlust in my sweet soul
I need some bacon.
xo
Not as much as it is the chicken, I guess.
So to a butcher I go. I think all the time about the poor animals. If I can not smell roasted meat I contemplate their lot in life, if I can - well, I got one love. For my tummy. I am trying to be mostly vegetarian though, since we are killing the earth for the food industry. You know who should get all the Nobel Prizes? The person who mimics the taste of deep fry in vegetable format. I'd eat a pinecone deep fried. I'll be running errands via public transit on my way to my home away from home in the Tdiz which means that I have gone from I want A, B, C, D to ...I can make do with B and D. I want to get back to the sitting part pretty quickly tonight. I just know that'll be pyjama wearing, laughing, barely moving and not caring comfort. Which I really dig.
However, I'll be giving dudes the eye on the way around town. Ignore the redness. I touched my contacts with hot sauce for billionth time. Perchance I am here as a walking warning label for others. At least I am having a great time doing it.
I'd like to take a cooking class. I have only recently come to the realization that cooking with wine is bad. Not as an ingredient but as fuel for my inability to focus which, turns out, is important when throwing various things onto high heat sources. Learning!! I have gotten the memo on prep, that it's 91% of the battle (percentages maybe exaggerated)
My secret (no more!) desire is to renegade night-time drive around with buckets of flower seeds in early spring and just toss handfuls of seeds whilst taking on/off ramps just to inject colour/delight into commutes which are often not. I think about it all the time when I see these ramshackle p-lots of grass. Something hardy like Blanket flower, Sage(s), Lavender - that would jack up my joy in driving around the concrete jungle. Like the people who yarn bomb. That's shit's great.
You're great.
I am listening to George Stroumboulopoulos chat with Shad - whom I think is a great rapper. As well as K-os, Classified and Drizzy.
- Just to re-iterate if you see different coloured font, that shiz is a link to power and magic, click away -
Happy thoughts.
a haiku:
some junk in the trunk
wanderlust in my sweet soul
I need some bacon.
xo
The revolution will be televised
Yep! Womanist!
I think the video above is amazing. You draw your own conclusions.
I frame everything through the context of a middle class, white woman - so basically the second rung down from the top of the food chain. I try and keep that present when I hear other individuals get irate over the 'complaining' and 'over-reaction' of people of colour, those with disabilities, gay people etc. Anyone not part of 'them,' in essence.
I struggle against this as, in my mind, I'm a GOOD person. I'm totally not racist (except sometimes), never judgemental (except a couple times a day - ok hour) and it can be difficult to remain aware of the fact that the context of my life are blinders.
I thought about it the other day when I went into Chinatown to go get a few bamboo back scratchers (honestly, this is an another do yourself a favour memos - bamboo backscratchers will add mini jolts of hedonistic bliss to your day) and I was the only white person in sight. It didn't occur to me for a while as I didn't grow up with an outsider mentality imposed on me - I'm not a minority, I have centuries of white makes right coded into behaviour. When I finally noticed, I thought this must be what it feels like to be the only Asian/Black/Persian on the bus or whatever. Then I had to mentally slap myself upside the head in realizing that being a random person in a shopping mall actually doesn't give me any idea of what daily, subtle racism feels like.
I read an amazing celebrity blogger (seriously, everyone. She's amazing) who was pointing out that in a new fairy tale movie the Princes were strong jawed - blond, blue-eyed - men and it didn't occur to me, until pointed out by said badass mamacita (acerbic wit, stinging zingers, she's great) that she never gets to see her own face (Chinese) reflected back at her and I don't think about it as my face is always reflected back at me.
I think the reason people don't like to hear the concerns of others is that it implies that 'You' weren't doing enough/are part of the problem and also, then have a responsibility to make it right.
I think that's daunting to a lot of people since they have a dichotomy of either I'm good or bad in their mind and this notion that you have to see the future/know how it will work out to take action.
That is very much the number one thing I struggle with in many aspects of my life, not being in a state of analysis paralysis. Also, the notion of responsibility as a burden as opposed to a sense of personal power.
I don't think I am a bad person for times I was racist or judgemental - I think it means that I made shitty decisions about others from a place of ignorance and feeling bad about myself so wanting to drag others into the muck. I think it means that I now have power to be the stone that sends out ripples into my communities - and what are the ripples I send out? Do I step over people oppressing others because I don't want to take a chance I turn hatred and vitriol my way or do I jump off that diving board? Not knowing how it will work out but secure in the knowledge that if I am always playing the game of building up my fellow humans - that I am not operating from a game of you must lose so I can win - then it will all work out in the end.
My challenge to myself now is, do I choose to listen and see where that person is coming from and lead with love, regardless of how hard that might be or do I continue on the jaded path decided that person is stupid and unworthy of my time since they are incapable of discourse? Changing their mind? Humanity? Beyond hope? That's a lot to assume about another person and even if it's true, so what? What did I lose in trying to expand open-mindedness around me? Nothing.
I tend to get in the face of those that disagree with me but that doesn't further the discussion, if anything it gives them evidence that they were right about me/the issue/their opinion/etc.
These musings are my evolution(hopefully). They don't mean anything and they certainly are not instructions for how you should live. I hope that if anything, you have a chat with those around you as my most mind blowing moments are when my perspective has been incrementally shifted and irrevocably changed.
It just takes letting go - of the notion that you know best, that you have THE TRUTH, that holding on to that opinion will bring me any peace of mind or joy. Let go.
You do you. Make one small kind gesture not with anyone knowing.
You know why 'Be the Change' is repeated so often?
Because you are the only captain of your ship. Sail on, pirate.
a haiku:
some revolution
a little brain shake for change
a dash of pure love
xo
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Funky fresh
I know you know that Beyonce and Jay Z together are the culmination of my hopes and dreams, because they're the best, but honestly click on this link.
I'ma tell you what I get from that. I will surmise they tell each other virtually everything. Virtually as full disclosure is boring and redundant. Also, clearly their answer to each other's queries is, 'Why the hell not?' It helps that Beyonce is a fox and Jay Z NEVER forgets it. Fox.
I'm reminding myself of these things because I am on the hunt. Dudes. Gird your loins.
Also, travel. They do it a lot. I want to do it a lot. Actually, there are a number of things I want to do a lot. With my loins.
I take a picture of the sunrise almost every day. Part of me shakes my head when I do it as a) it's never represented in the photo the way all my senses drink it in and b) I typically am deleting that photo in a few weeks as it takes me too long to scroll to whatever photo I am sharing in conjunction with the incredible, droll, vivacious tale I am telling. There's something about being in the moment. A statement which is repeated so often that it becomes white noise in the 'yeah, yeah - I got it' mental dismissal.
Also, I like to say you're not the boss of me. A lot.
However, Nature.
I keep seeing this picture on the book of face that basically says you can't use your cell phone in the nature but you will have a better connection. My time in BC definitely gave me that appreciation. There is something so soothing about sitting in a makeshift chair and genuinely having that huge drawn in breath and a pure let go while staring up at a sun dappled canopy. It sounds nice expressed in words. I'm easily transported closing my eyes and immersing myself in those moments. Being in Sooke and hearing a creek near by, being in Deep River (what! what!) and nestling my wee tent in amongst trees to hear the nocturnal life around me. I don't know if this is womb recall or something but I don't sleep as deeply as I do when crashing waves are the soundtrack to my slumber. I love lazily running my hands through the sand and letting it sift out. My mind clears but for the thought that this grain was a rock that tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, giving up pieces of itself until now. What was around it? What animals slept on its sun baked warmth? Who used it as a back scratch? Whose life finished under its weight? This breeze is nice. Breathing out. I hear the laughter of my best friend as we splash in water, joy at being alive and free. Jobs, bills, drama are stories that are happening somewhere else to someone else at this time. Splashing water, fed from a glacier, on my face. The tingle of nerve sensation, the waft of of indian food cooked in a little tin pot that will double as a serving dish.
I want to take up snorkelling. G Money and his magical photography/life partner just capture a a mystical, alluring world that summons from beneath the waves. They make me aware of a parallel universe that I have both a desire and responsibility for. I can barely keep myself alive in water deeper than 6 ft so, you know, a work in progress.
Dancing, I need to stop talking about it and make it the sweaty, enlivened reality I want it to be. Shimmying just is a rapture multiplier. Who's mad when they got a shoulder shake stimulation? Someone who needs that tricky stick removed from their posterior, that's who. Everyone else, 'gwan witcho badself.
I'd like to give a shout out to Mother Nature for Spring 2.0 - summer blew goats so to have 20something, sunny days into October does feel like a real gift. How are we not harnessing solar power more? I bet there's some 15 year old at a science fair being all, it's not that hard, everyone. I love reading about child/teen geniuses. Let them go! Make our planet better! I did have a chat with a sales person the other day, with whom I have easy rapport, about 3-D printers. I posited that Science, whilst awesome, outpaces human intractability. There is something in some people (not me, I'm totally fucking enlightened, open-minded, goddamn nice) that truly fears change as represented by perceptions of what's 'natural' or 'impossible.' Like, the fact that we can make a 3-D printed, operable gun is only worrisome as there is someone who won't marvel at creation but see the potential for malicious destruction. Dick.
Don't get me wrong, there is a portion of me that has the NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! vibe around change but I am working on the me that has that reaction to impending imaginary bogey men. Speaking of bogey men - I saw a picture the other day that high fived Scooby Doo for showing that the real monsters are men with nefarious intentions. #Truth.
I have a bamboo backscratcher and if you don't, you don't love yourself. You wander into chinatown, grab one for a buck give it a swirl on your Latissimus dorsi and you'll be musing - that blogista, she's not wrong.
(I'm not wrong)
a haiku
because it feels good
getting ready for good things
fun times authorized
xo
I'ma tell you what I get from that. I will surmise they tell each other virtually everything. Virtually as full disclosure is boring and redundant. Also, clearly their answer to each other's queries is, 'Why the hell not?' It helps that Beyonce is a fox and Jay Z NEVER forgets it. Fox.
I'm reminding myself of these things because I am on the hunt. Dudes. Gird your loins.
Also, travel. They do it a lot. I want to do it a lot. Actually, there are a number of things I want to do a lot. With my loins.
I take a picture of the sunrise almost every day. Part of me shakes my head when I do it as a) it's never represented in the photo the way all my senses drink it in and b) I typically am deleting that photo in a few weeks as it takes me too long to scroll to whatever photo I am sharing in conjunction with the incredible, droll, vivacious tale I am telling. There's something about being in the moment. A statement which is repeated so often that it becomes white noise in the 'yeah, yeah - I got it' mental dismissal.
Also, I like to say you're not the boss of me. A lot.
However, Nature.
I keep seeing this picture on the book of face that basically says you can't use your cell phone in the nature but you will have a better connection. My time in BC definitely gave me that appreciation. There is something so soothing about sitting in a makeshift chair and genuinely having that huge drawn in breath and a pure let go while staring up at a sun dappled canopy. It sounds nice expressed in words. I'm easily transported closing my eyes and immersing myself in those moments. Being in Sooke and hearing a creek near by, being in Deep River (what! what!) and nestling my wee tent in amongst trees to hear the nocturnal life around me. I don't know if this is womb recall or something but I don't sleep as deeply as I do when crashing waves are the soundtrack to my slumber. I love lazily running my hands through the sand and letting it sift out. My mind clears but for the thought that this grain was a rock that tumbled, tumbled, tumbled, giving up pieces of itself until now. What was around it? What animals slept on its sun baked warmth? Who used it as a back scratch? Whose life finished under its weight? This breeze is nice. Breathing out. I hear the laughter of my best friend as we splash in water, joy at being alive and free. Jobs, bills, drama are stories that are happening somewhere else to someone else at this time. Splashing water, fed from a glacier, on my face. The tingle of nerve sensation, the waft of of indian food cooked in a little tin pot that will double as a serving dish.
I want to take up snorkelling. G Money and his magical photography/life partner just capture a a mystical, alluring world that summons from beneath the waves. They make me aware of a parallel universe that I have both a desire and responsibility for. I can barely keep myself alive in water deeper than 6 ft so, you know, a work in progress.
Dancing, I need to stop talking about it and make it the sweaty, enlivened reality I want it to be. Shimmying just is a rapture multiplier. Who's mad when they got a shoulder shake stimulation? Someone who needs that tricky stick removed from their posterior, that's who. Everyone else, 'gwan witcho badself.
I'd like to give a shout out to Mother Nature for Spring 2.0 - summer blew goats so to have 20something, sunny days into October does feel like a real gift. How are we not harnessing solar power more? I bet there's some 15 year old at a science fair being all, it's not that hard, everyone. I love reading about child/teen geniuses. Let them go! Make our planet better! I did have a chat with a sales person the other day, with whom I have easy rapport, about 3-D printers. I posited that Science, whilst awesome, outpaces human intractability. There is something in some people (not me, I'm totally fucking enlightened, open-minded, goddamn nice) that truly fears change as represented by perceptions of what's 'natural' or 'impossible.' Like, the fact that we can make a 3-D printed, operable gun is only worrisome as there is someone who won't marvel at creation but see the potential for malicious destruction. Dick.
Don't get me wrong, there is a portion of me that has the NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! vibe around change but I am working on the me that has that reaction to impending imaginary bogey men. Speaking of bogey men - I saw a picture the other day that high fived Scooby Doo for showing that the real monsters are men with nefarious intentions. #Truth.
I have a bamboo backscratcher and if you don't, you don't love yourself. You wander into chinatown, grab one for a buck give it a swirl on your Latissimus dorsi and you'll be musing - that blogista, she's not wrong.
(I'm not wrong)
a haiku
because it feels good
getting ready for good things
fun times authorized
xo
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Fairy Godmother
I would like my fairy godmother to go ahead and come in and take care of everything.
What I mean by that is I don't want personal responsibility - my finances, my love life, my job - Someone else take the reins.
What I mean by that is that I have a deep seated fear that I will not be 'enough' to create the life I want and revel in the actions needed to get there. No one's life is better than mine, the better is more work.
Here is what I am going to take action on.
Leaving my heart open - I have been saying all along that I want a relationship but that's not true. I was sure that I would be Plan B for anyone. Better to stay single than be rejected. Also, don't make eye contact. That might start something.
New Actions - take off your sunglasses, smile, it will only be uncomfortable for a second since it's bewilderingly unfamiliar to someone as theoretically 'open' and 'desiring of more love' as I am. The actions of putting myself out there will remove those quotation marks and some dude is going to be all hang on a tick, she's AWESOME - and the baggage that I could NEVER ADMIT EVER will be revealed for the fairy tale I constructed it to be.
Money - I suck at keeping it and moving it to appropriate zones. This one will be tough as I am trying to move into my own place in the city which is basically the pinnacle of the 'Want' pyramid and I do have other mini goals tied to it.
Actions - Cash budget with leaving all cards at home. I can stretch $20 when I have to. I can also blow it on a magazine and a coffee, a pastry and mints for later at Starbucks for no reason at all. Direct debits, I can't spend cash I can't see. There are other actions to be taken here but a) I don;t want to face them and b) not everything needs to be shared on the intergoogles.
Fitness - I could compile a truly informative and easily absorbed novella on easy to take steps/tips from all the info I have downloaded and amassed by other means. I looooove information.
Actions - I am going to looooove action. You know, the thing that will re-shape my body? I truly want to be healthy. Mostly healthy. I don't want to ever take it easy on the bacon or the booze if I am out on the town. Cheese, probably not in the moderation category either and frankly, only a robust grizzly bear is getting between me and the fridge late at night. However, if this grizzly bear has a hankering for celery a deal could be made. Celery is something I buy since it has 'negative calories' so I can turn it into compost in 7 easy days in my fridge. I guess I could eat it. with peanut butter.
As I drink my third cup of coffee (ok, so I am not totally to blame here - a) my boss buys effing amazing single origin beans on the reg and that shit's good b) a co-worker just came back from COLUMBIA and brought batches of beans from micro schmancy farms so, you know) I should be on my third cup of water. If only it WOULD drink itself. I need a double walled sippy cup. Total honesty - I love sippy cups more than anything. I could blissfully drink a bottle Buckley's cough syrup through a sippy cup. That may be hyperbole.
Oh! Fitness! So the moral of the story here is I do not want to be complaining of aches and pains and developing diabetes. Obviously, I will wear a bikini and post endless photos of my slammin bod as well but health is kind of a one shot deal and a nightmare to claw back.
My family - not that I am a burden to them but I don't do as much as I should. Especially for my grandparents who are hail mary throwers/catchers depending where I am on the field. They would be anything for me and I have not been reciprocal. Not a shithead, but not reciprocal.
Actions - at least one weekend per month to help the people sharing my genetics. Random days thrown in but not 'me first' as often. This is a good goal as I love fun and it's more often than not priority #1. I love fun. Ask what they need and do it regardless. I do like to say what I think they need and do that but that doesn't actually warm the subcockles of anyone's heart.
I have it pretty good. I will clap myself on the back for that - I do know I am surrounded by love, there is nothing stopping me (but me), my body will embrace getting stronger, my mind is a hella entertaining place for me and sometimes others.
If you need something - a haiku, buttons sewn on, music recommendation, physical labour, cheetos - please don't hesitate to ask.
What I need is your good thoughts, an inquiry on what I have accomplished and patience.
The thing is you know what to do, so do I - the challenge is to love yourself so much that you feel the earth beserves the best of you and that that's an infinite supply. You are the best. The more of that you put out the more is gets reciprocated and repeated. We become each other's springboard into a pool of delight. Which is great.
Take it. It's yours.
a haiku:
some transformation
forgiveness and re-focus
more joie de vivre
xo
What I mean by that is I don't want personal responsibility - my finances, my love life, my job - Someone else take the reins.
What I mean by that is that I have a deep seated fear that I will not be 'enough' to create the life I want and revel in the actions needed to get there. No one's life is better than mine, the better is more work.
Here is what I am going to take action on.
Leaving my heart open - I have been saying all along that I want a relationship but that's not true. I was sure that I would be Plan B for anyone. Better to stay single than be rejected. Also, don't make eye contact. That might start something.
New Actions - take off your sunglasses, smile, it will only be uncomfortable for a second since it's bewilderingly unfamiliar to someone as theoretically 'open' and 'desiring of more love' as I am. The actions of putting myself out there will remove those quotation marks and some dude is going to be all hang on a tick, she's AWESOME - and the baggage that I could NEVER ADMIT EVER will be revealed for the fairy tale I constructed it to be.
Money - I suck at keeping it and moving it to appropriate zones. This one will be tough as I am trying to move into my own place in the city which is basically the pinnacle of the 'Want' pyramid and I do have other mini goals tied to it.
Actions - Cash budget with leaving all cards at home. I can stretch $20 when I have to. I can also blow it on a magazine and a coffee, a pastry and mints for later at Starbucks for no reason at all. Direct debits, I can't spend cash I can't see. There are other actions to be taken here but a) I don;t want to face them and b) not everything needs to be shared on the intergoogles.
Fitness - I could compile a truly informative and easily absorbed novella on easy to take steps/tips from all the info I have downloaded and amassed by other means. I looooove information.
Actions - I am going to looooove action. You know, the thing that will re-shape my body? I truly want to be healthy. Mostly healthy. I don't want to ever take it easy on the bacon or the booze if I am out on the town. Cheese, probably not in the moderation category either and frankly, only a robust grizzly bear is getting between me and the fridge late at night. However, if this grizzly bear has a hankering for celery a deal could be made. Celery is something I buy since it has 'negative calories' so I can turn it into compost in 7 easy days in my fridge. I guess I could eat it. with peanut butter.
As I drink my third cup of coffee (ok, so I am not totally to blame here - a) my boss buys effing amazing single origin beans on the reg and that shit's good b) a co-worker just came back from COLUMBIA and brought batches of beans from micro schmancy farms so, you know) I should be on my third cup of water. If only it WOULD drink itself. I need a double walled sippy cup. Total honesty - I love sippy cups more than anything. I could blissfully drink a bottle Buckley's cough syrup through a sippy cup. That may be hyperbole.
Oh! Fitness! So the moral of the story here is I do not want to be complaining of aches and pains and developing diabetes. Obviously, I will wear a bikini and post endless photos of my slammin bod as well but health is kind of a one shot deal and a nightmare to claw back.
My family - not that I am a burden to them but I don't do as much as I should. Especially for my grandparents who are hail mary throwers/catchers depending where I am on the field. They would be anything for me and I have not been reciprocal. Not a shithead, but not reciprocal.
Actions - at least one weekend per month to help the people sharing my genetics. Random days thrown in but not 'me first' as often. This is a good goal as I love fun and it's more often than not priority #1. I love fun. Ask what they need and do it regardless. I do like to say what I think they need and do that but that doesn't actually warm the subcockles of anyone's heart.
I have it pretty good. I will clap myself on the back for that - I do know I am surrounded by love, there is nothing stopping me (but me), my body will embrace getting stronger, my mind is a hella entertaining place for me and sometimes others.
If you need something - a haiku, buttons sewn on, music recommendation, physical labour, cheetos - please don't hesitate to ask.
What I need is your good thoughts, an inquiry on what I have accomplished and patience.
The thing is you know what to do, so do I - the challenge is to love yourself so much that you feel the earth beserves the best of you and that that's an infinite supply. You are the best. The more of that you put out the more is gets reciprocated and repeated. We become each other's springboard into a pool of delight. Which is great.
Take it. It's yours.
a haiku:
some transformation
forgiveness and re-focus
more joie de vivre
xo
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Is that frisky in the air?
I don't know if this is a four season thing but shit, spring makes people RANDY in Ontario.
We've all been wearing parkas/mittens/scarves/giant boots/carting bags of business wear and suddenly...you don't have all that. Suddenly, you want to bare every inch of skin possible as it is ghost white and this indignity will not stand, man!
People are giving each other the hey, girl, hey looks all over the place. Omigod. Where did they come from? is an oft heard cry. They were there last summer too, homey, but now with 24% more sexaaaayyyyy!!
I, for one, am all for it. I intend to do a sublime blend of sunglasses (I look good) vs hairy eyeball and undress hot men openly with my eyeballs. Hello, Nudie. Honestly, if this was the Matrix the green flowly data bits would be hormones clogging up the air supply. Go forth, humans! Multiply! or use contraceptives wisely and just fuck a lot. Either or.
I was reading the secret to long life (there is only one) includes garlic (check), positive thinking (check) and inversion tables (this list maybe bunk) so basically at 66% success - I'm feeling good about my prospects. If the secret in truth ends up being lack of drugs and alcohol - I'm hooped and accept it.
And THEN - winter is back. Mother Nature, tease. Bending everyone over and making them desperate for her sweet, sultry summer return.
This just serves to jerk the people into a frenzy of anticipation. Well, I know I am anticipating the hell out of summer dresses and eyeballing people and the smell of summer skin. I love the smell of summer skin. God bless 6 straight months of hot, hot, heat.
Was driving down the highway passing one of our national brewing companies and noticed the sign had the 'L' burnt out. So what I saw was MO! Son!
BWAHAHAHA! I DO want some 'Mo. No, I don't. Your beer is not delicious. I was with my sweet mumma during this drive and while I am slapping the dashboard in pure mirth she is stone faced. Mumma! I say. Mo!...Son!! and beam at her...
'Oh, I get it.' She says deadpan. Which kills my joy for 10 mins. Until it replays in my mind. Back to the joy. I love repeating jokes in my head. God, good one Self! Self high five!!
Soon the people will be complaining about the heat. Not me as I gave myself a pass to complain about weather in the last province so don't wanna keep Complain Nation going. I do need to ge the memo on not rushing around town. Slow and Low will be my new modus operandi.
I also intend to mindfully make my way to the beach with sunscreen. I will be putting sunscreen in every bag I own. 33 years it took me to get this lesson. High fives on learning! I also need a replacement Jenny from the block hat as I lost my last one in Baltimore. Sex scrambles the brain. Which I accept.
I'm gonna feel the earth rise up to support me, I am going to throw out high fives like confetti and throw my head back to laugh imbued with bursting joy. I am going to take time to watch beads of condensation slowly slide down glasses tinkling with large ice cubes that I will slide down my neck to counter the heat. Hedonism. Because it feels good.
#TeamMFBestSummerEver
xo
a haiku:
easy, rolling wave
inhale deeply from . your neck
condensation drips
We've all been wearing parkas/mittens/scarves/giant boots/carting bags of business wear and suddenly...you don't have all that. Suddenly, you want to bare every inch of skin possible as it is ghost white and this indignity will not stand, man!
People are giving each other the hey, girl, hey looks all over the place. Omigod. Where did they come from? is an oft heard cry. They were there last summer too, homey, but now with 24% more sexaaaayyyyy!!
I, for one, am all for it. I intend to do a sublime blend of sunglasses (I look good) vs hairy eyeball and undress hot men openly with my eyeballs. Hello, Nudie. Honestly, if this was the Matrix the green flowly data bits would be hormones clogging up the air supply. Go forth, humans! Multiply! or use contraceptives wisely and just fuck a lot. Either or.
I was reading the secret to long life (there is only one) includes garlic (check), positive thinking (check) and inversion tables (this list maybe bunk) so basically at 66% success - I'm feeling good about my prospects. If the secret in truth ends up being lack of drugs and alcohol - I'm hooped and accept it.
And THEN - winter is back. Mother Nature, tease. Bending everyone over and making them desperate for her sweet, sultry summer return.
This just serves to jerk the people into a frenzy of anticipation. Well, I know I am anticipating the hell out of summer dresses and eyeballing people and the smell of summer skin. I love the smell of summer skin. God bless 6 straight months of hot, hot, heat.
Was driving down the highway passing one of our national brewing companies and noticed the sign had the 'L' burnt out. So what I saw was MO! Son!
BWAHAHAHA! I DO want some 'Mo. No, I don't. Your beer is not delicious. I was with my sweet mumma during this drive and while I am slapping the dashboard in pure mirth she is stone faced. Mumma! I say. Mo!...Son!! and beam at her...
'Oh, I get it.' She says deadpan. Which kills my joy for 10 mins. Until it replays in my mind. Back to the joy. I love repeating jokes in my head. God, good one Self! Self high five!!
Soon the people will be complaining about the heat. Not me as I gave myself a pass to complain about weather in the last province so don't wanna keep Complain Nation going. I do need to ge the memo on not rushing around town. Slow and Low will be my new modus operandi.
I also intend to mindfully make my way to the beach with sunscreen. I will be putting sunscreen in every bag I own. 33 years it took me to get this lesson. High fives on learning! I also need a replacement Jenny from the block hat as I lost my last one in Baltimore. Sex scrambles the brain. Which I accept.
I'm gonna feel the earth rise up to support me, I am going to throw out high fives like confetti and throw my head back to laugh imbued with bursting joy. I am going to take time to watch beads of condensation slowly slide down glasses tinkling with large ice cubes that I will slide down my neck to counter the heat. Hedonism. Because it feels good.
#TeamMFBestSummerEver
xo
a haiku:
easy, rolling wave
inhale deeply from . your neck
condensation drips
Lowered Expectation
I am in a glass case of emotion.
If you are looking for a funny post, I'd advise to wait until the next post. Which is fine, no one can be Suzy Sunshine all the time.
I am in the process of removing meaning from my/others actions and words. I am taking courses to help with my self development since I hadn't believed in myself the way my friends had. It's been outrageous in how it has made me realize how I look at everything though filters of the past. I am better at clearing up things with people as opposed to accepting my view as Truth and stewing. So fucking wasteful to stew.
In the course of sharing what I feel I have learned, I had friends remark that it sounded awesome so I invited them to check it out. I scheduled a night, people accepted. I was elated.
No one went. 8 people accepted, not a single followed through.
This is what I made it mean -
I clearly have not transformed in any way otherwise, they wouldn't have bailed. Clearly, they don't love me as much as they say or they would have wanted to do this for me, even when it was something for them that I intended. You can't force people to take things, but I didn't think I was forcing. If I had said, 'Homies! I won tickets to Beyonce's concert, head on down to Will Call!' No one would have been too tired, had a long day, cared about being late. Life happens? Sure fucking does. Doesn't mean you can't keep your word. Maybe this is a reflection of me. Maybe I don't keep my word. Maybe I am meant to learn that I am not that reliable a friend. Middle fingers in the air. No more fucks to give. I will never ask that group for anything again. This morning I was alternately leaning my head against the shower wall while crying and saying you need to keep moving, you'll be late. Again, you're always late. Since any upset sends me right to the self-flagellation zone. Sweet Universe, let that be one of the things I let the fuck go of. Nonsense.
If I am to truly be feeling love, I can't let this be a hindrance. Love has no expectations, rules or conditions. Can I feel this when I don't feel it back? Again, shouldn't be a concern. Do or do not.
Maybe I am failing at my course. Maybe I am too fucking stubborn to evolve. I sure do feel disempowered as hell. I want to turtle.
I am collecting evidence that I can't count on people. That I will always be Team B that people like from time to time. This is also a story I am making up. I can create whatever I want. I know this logically, but my old self is clinging to the hurt.
Truly unreasonable and completely different actions for me would be to truly make this mean nothing.
I can hear a gentleman of my acquaintance saying, 'Shake it off, Steel!'
You are not wrong! I do want to shake it off. Shaking it off to me right now means I will never ask them for anything again. Trust. Broken.
That is not who I want to be. At all. That doesn't open up a space for magic in my life and I want a new way of being. I want to see new actions in abundance. A plethora of new choices whereby I am easily moving through things without getting upset. As, with everything in my life, I don't get moderately upset.
I don't want to be wasteful with my time and love. I'm not sure what actions to take from here...please stand by. Will take the day to breathe it all in, and try to love it all out.
xo
a haiku:
I see you chains of pain
who wants to be a free bird
fly out of the fire.
If you are looking for a funny post, I'd advise to wait until the next post. Which is fine, no one can be Suzy Sunshine all the time.
I am in the process of removing meaning from my/others actions and words. I am taking courses to help with my self development since I hadn't believed in myself the way my friends had. It's been outrageous in how it has made me realize how I look at everything though filters of the past. I am better at clearing up things with people as opposed to accepting my view as Truth and stewing. So fucking wasteful to stew.
In the course of sharing what I feel I have learned, I had friends remark that it sounded awesome so I invited them to check it out. I scheduled a night, people accepted. I was elated.
No one went. 8 people accepted, not a single followed through.
This is what I made it mean -
I clearly have not transformed in any way otherwise, they wouldn't have bailed. Clearly, they don't love me as much as they say or they would have wanted to do this for me, even when it was something for them that I intended. You can't force people to take things, but I didn't think I was forcing. If I had said, 'Homies! I won tickets to Beyonce's concert, head on down to Will Call!' No one would have been too tired, had a long day, cared about being late. Life happens? Sure fucking does. Doesn't mean you can't keep your word. Maybe this is a reflection of me. Maybe I don't keep my word. Maybe I am meant to learn that I am not that reliable a friend. Middle fingers in the air. No more fucks to give. I will never ask that group for anything again. This morning I was alternately leaning my head against the shower wall while crying and saying you need to keep moving, you'll be late. Again, you're always late. Since any upset sends me right to the self-flagellation zone. Sweet Universe, let that be one of the things I let the fuck go of. Nonsense.
If I am to truly be feeling love, I can't let this be a hindrance. Love has no expectations, rules or conditions. Can I feel this when I don't feel it back? Again, shouldn't be a concern. Do or do not.
Maybe I am failing at my course. Maybe I am too fucking stubborn to evolve. I sure do feel disempowered as hell. I want to turtle.
I am collecting evidence that I can't count on people. That I will always be Team B that people like from time to time. This is also a story I am making up. I can create whatever I want. I know this logically, but my old self is clinging to the hurt.
Truly unreasonable and completely different actions for me would be to truly make this mean nothing.
I can hear a gentleman of my acquaintance saying, 'Shake it off, Steel!'
You are not wrong! I do want to shake it off. Shaking it off to me right now means I will never ask them for anything again. Trust. Broken.
That is not who I want to be. At all. That doesn't open up a space for magic in my life and I want a new way of being. I want to see new actions in abundance. A plethora of new choices whereby I am easily moving through things without getting upset. As, with everything in my life, I don't get moderately upset.
I don't want to be wasteful with my time and love. I'm not sure what actions to take from here...please stand by. Will take the day to breathe it all in, and try to love it all out.
xo
a haiku:
I see you chains of pain
who wants to be a free bird
fly out of the fire.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
I love you, Man
Today is the 4th anniversary of the loss of my friend Gareth. This post will contain little to no mourning. Which is to say I would trade almost anything to have him back. That train of thought brings no happiness and is a diservice to remembering how fucking amazeballs he was. This is my testament to how much he brought to my life.
My favourite thing ever was that our minds worked at the same speed and we were both addicted to researching whatever thought popped into our minds. I'd often get mid-day emails on whatever article had caught his attention with talking points. Which makes it sound more staid than it was - it's more so that information is like tinder and the synapses of ones mind, setting up the bonfire.
He was all about little gestures. We said I love you to each other maybe, 3 times. We showed love a million ways. He spearheaded my first ever camping trip that involved proper gear and no car (except to the base)
First, it starts with me having some money from a bonus and him telling me what I would buy. Not bossy style - he earnestly (always, earnestly with fingers spread for punctuating important points) just went through the pros and cons of various equipement diligently but I nodded thoughtfully to things I didn't, at that time, care about. I just wanted a experientially vetted list. I then got a how to properly pack your backpack tutorial. I then got a phone call checking if I followed the list/instructions. I then got a visit as there was no trust I was honest in saying I had faithfully followed said instructions. I would like to say, for the record it was properly packed and maybe I DID need a whole roll of toilet paper ("Are you expecting explosive diarhhea?") and a whole entire package of baby wipes ("Again, explosive diarhhea?", "Maybe! You don't know!") What I had blanked out of my mind, until Foxy Fenton reminded me, was that I did not, in fact, carry my backpack 100% of the trek. I may or may not (may) have 2 year old foot stomped, exclaimed No More! in strident tones and put down said backpack 85% into the hike. Gareth calmly picked it up - oh, after he came BACK DOWN to see how we were doing - and carried it to our peak after 3rd lake. He also set up my tent. When I followed him up a glacier and then almost DIED (true story, you can ask the Golden Hawk) he gave me his last hot chocolate.
Fuck. Was he funny. I have been going through old albums on FB and laughing anew at his Zing!-ers.
Best Friend and I were on a road trip and stopped off in Calgary to go to a dance party where you wore white to gleam under their blacklights. I caption the photo 'Team on a way to a white party' - his comment below "I thought you guys were warming up to minorities"
Douche.
Making him laugh was my fav. I really felt like I had crafted a genius response if he laughed out loud. He spent some time in a befuddled state around me.
What are you saying?
How come you can't smoke a whole bong but can talk in paragraphs with one breath? *shrug* Who can say?
I spent almost every single day for over a year hanging with him. Watching Inervention (I would read during that show, way too disempowering) critiquing people on Mantracker. Getting an education in his favourite shows (Deadwood, the Wire) and music (Ghostface, Tom Waits) and just talking. About everything. The only time there was dead space was after the clock passed 2am and honestly, I could not be as lucid as he seemed to always be despite enough smoke to choke an elephant. A very high elephant. I made him a shirt with one of his favourite Moby Dick quotes, "Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me." I have it now. And various pieces of MEC clothing to augment the various camping experiences. Like using your thermorest as a magic carpet down the river. WHEEEEEEEEE!!!
Random things he said will pop into my mind at moments where he would have had a comment to make (always a comment to make) and I'll laugh and say you're not wrong aloud. My love for Halloween exponentially grew while we were hanging out discussing ideas. He had great costumes. He was low level addicted to his nieces, we chatted about them all the time. He would show me the books he was crafting on his Mac to send to them. His dog sat with me all the time and we got to be ninja fast at tossing a box of matches at each other depending where Ze dog dropped bombs. Eye watering, gag inducing bombs. Sweet Jesus. That dog's a-hole...I dogress.
We would walk all over the city at night - making plans to clone our respective pets, discussing music as a cultural barometer, him trying low level parkour stunts, me having 911 on stand by. My favourite place in the world is walking in the deep of night over the Georgia Viaduct. I can replay our convos with ease there.
I got a Mac because he praised them evangelically - being a graphic designer/artist - he got the most from Mac's applications/capabilities and was constantly showing me whatever was being created. Admonished himself for spending so much time on projects, getting so much detail in for pictures that would be reduced to 2" sq. So gifted. He bought me a hard drive because I said I would 'tomorrow' for weeks, he partitioned it, explained what I needed to do. Did it for me a few months later since I didn't pay it proper attention. Gave me one of his bikes since that stayed on the 'tomorrow' list for a long ass time as well.
He was the last man standing at every party. One friend and I (lovingly) coined the term 'Garathon' (he didn't like it, I apologized - I'm not THAT offended - mmm-hmmm) referring to the fact that the dude could give an engrossing for sure, hilarious in fact lecture on everything. EV-ery thing, at length. He was a night owl - when the rest of us were snoozy snooze he was looking into everything and wanted to share. He loved sharing. A lot. Could drink more than most and STILL be waxing prosaically on how the media played a role in West coast vs East coast rap. I remember when he stopped drinking beer and asked me on my way over to pick up wine. Which I did! And then when he saw it was red, being a solely white wine imbiber, turned to me and said, " Do you even know me?" Uh, yes. I just didn't know your wine type preference, princess. That being said only to Ze dog. I would take Ze dog with me everywhere and tell him EXACTLY what I thought of something G said. I would get back to his house and he would say or do something thoughtful and I wouldn't remember whatever irritated my brown onion.
We were masters of instinctually knowing each others' field mines and stepping around them.
I'm sure there is a case for the communication that doesn't side step things but gets them dealt with and I'm pro that for sure. But for the space we were in - our love and respect was demonstrated in being careful with one another. We fought like, twice. And the fight being an emotional response to something we weren't fighting about. Typically our fear at his fight with cancer but that same fear muted us from communicating around that. Not that we didn't talk about his treatments, which I went to, his medications, next steps blah, blah, blah but we did our best to keep things some easy going version of 'normal.'
He was an incredible athlete, fearless. Was amazing at Tae kwon do. Took up slack lining because it looked interesting and had an innate sense of balance where others teetered tottered. and fell. Would chat with me while spending incredible lengths of time on a balance board to keep his strength up for one more trip to the mountain. Which he attacked, every time. I have a diagram he drew me on how I should be snowboarding and that he would show me the next time we went. Constantly boxing with the dudes when they were over. It would be funny to be curled up on the couch - no I don't want to box, but thanks - and seem them dancing around like little boys to a David Bowie soundtrack. That was a great punch! something never said by me.
One time we had his air pistol at the Golden Hawk casa and I was like, no - I don't need to fire the gun, thanks but wore down with the 'just try it' on repeat. Got up, took aim at the walnut (R.I.P. Nutty) blew it to smithereens with my first shot. Dead silence. G - I don't know whether to be turned on or frightened.
It was just a lucky shot. As proved by my many misses thereafter. 'You're just not trying now' Honestly, no, I swear I am not hiding my Lara Croft tendencies.
We invented Onesies. Which is where everyone gets one turn with their iPod to play their song which was really about strategy since you wanted the party to stay strong! but someone's previous pick would derail what you had picked out as they didn't complement each other as well. Fun times, so many fun times. Just doing nothing.
I have been incredibly blessed in how many amazing friendships I have/had. But you were one in a million, Gareth. I love you. And you stink.
My favourite thing ever was that our minds worked at the same speed and we were both addicted to researching whatever thought popped into our minds. I'd often get mid-day emails on whatever article had caught his attention with talking points. Which makes it sound more staid than it was - it's more so that information is like tinder and the synapses of ones mind, setting up the bonfire.
He was all about little gestures. We said I love you to each other maybe, 3 times. We showed love a million ways. He spearheaded my first ever camping trip that involved proper gear and no car (except to the base)
First, it starts with me having some money from a bonus and him telling me what I would buy. Not bossy style - he earnestly (always, earnestly with fingers spread for punctuating important points) just went through the pros and cons of various equipement diligently but I nodded thoughtfully to things I didn't, at that time, care about. I just wanted a experientially vetted list. I then got a how to properly pack your backpack tutorial. I then got a phone call checking if I followed the list/instructions. I then got a visit as there was no trust I was honest in saying I had faithfully followed said instructions. I would like to say, for the record it was properly packed and maybe I DID need a whole roll of toilet paper ("Are you expecting explosive diarhhea?") and a whole entire package of baby wipes ("Again, explosive diarhhea?", "Maybe! You don't know!") What I had blanked out of my mind, until Foxy Fenton reminded me, was that I did not, in fact, carry my backpack 100% of the trek. I may or may not (may) have 2 year old foot stomped, exclaimed No More! in strident tones and put down said backpack 85% into the hike. Gareth calmly picked it up - oh, after he came BACK DOWN to see how we were doing - and carried it to our peak after 3rd lake. He also set up my tent. When I followed him up a glacier and then almost DIED (true story, you can ask the Golden Hawk) he gave me his last hot chocolate.
Fuck. Was he funny. I have been going through old albums on FB and laughing anew at his Zing!-ers.
Best Friend and I were on a road trip and stopped off in Calgary to go to a dance party where you wore white to gleam under their blacklights. I caption the photo 'Team on a way to a white party' - his comment below "I thought you guys were warming up to minorities"
Douche.
Making him laugh was my fav. I really felt like I had crafted a genius response if he laughed out loud. He spent some time in a befuddled state around me.
What are you saying?
How come you can't smoke a whole bong but can talk in paragraphs with one breath? *shrug* Who can say?
I spent almost every single day for over a year hanging with him. Watching Inervention (I would read during that show, way too disempowering) critiquing people on Mantracker. Getting an education in his favourite shows (Deadwood, the Wire) and music (Ghostface, Tom Waits) and just talking. About everything. The only time there was dead space was after the clock passed 2am and honestly, I could not be as lucid as he seemed to always be despite enough smoke to choke an elephant. A very high elephant. I made him a shirt with one of his favourite Moby Dick quotes, "Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me." I have it now. And various pieces of MEC clothing to augment the various camping experiences. Like using your thermorest as a magic carpet down the river. WHEEEEEEEEE!!!
Random things he said will pop into my mind at moments where he would have had a comment to make (always a comment to make) and I'll laugh and say you're not wrong aloud. My love for Halloween exponentially grew while we were hanging out discussing ideas. He had great costumes. He was low level addicted to his nieces, we chatted about them all the time. He would show me the books he was crafting on his Mac to send to them. His dog sat with me all the time and we got to be ninja fast at tossing a box of matches at each other depending where Ze dog dropped bombs. Eye watering, gag inducing bombs. Sweet Jesus. That dog's a-hole...I dogress.
We would walk all over the city at night - making plans to clone our respective pets, discussing music as a cultural barometer, him trying low level parkour stunts, me having 911 on stand by. My favourite place in the world is walking in the deep of night over the Georgia Viaduct. I can replay our convos with ease there.
I got a Mac because he praised them evangelically - being a graphic designer/artist - he got the most from Mac's applications/capabilities and was constantly showing me whatever was being created. Admonished himself for spending so much time on projects, getting so much detail in for pictures that would be reduced to 2" sq. So gifted. He bought me a hard drive because I said I would 'tomorrow' for weeks, he partitioned it, explained what I needed to do. Did it for me a few months later since I didn't pay it proper attention. Gave me one of his bikes since that stayed on the 'tomorrow' list for a long ass time as well.
He was the last man standing at every party. One friend and I (lovingly) coined the term 'Garathon' (he didn't like it, I apologized - I'm not THAT offended - mmm-hmmm) referring to the fact that the dude could give an engrossing for sure, hilarious in fact lecture on everything. EV-ery thing, at length. He was a night owl - when the rest of us were snoozy snooze he was looking into everything and wanted to share. He loved sharing. A lot. Could drink more than most and STILL be waxing prosaically on how the media played a role in West coast vs East coast rap. I remember when he stopped drinking beer and asked me on my way over to pick up wine. Which I did! And then when he saw it was red, being a solely white wine imbiber, turned to me and said, " Do you even know me?" Uh, yes. I just didn't know your wine type preference, princess. That being said only to Ze dog. I would take Ze dog with me everywhere and tell him EXACTLY what I thought of something G said. I would get back to his house and he would say or do something thoughtful and I wouldn't remember whatever irritated my brown onion.
We were masters of instinctually knowing each others' field mines and stepping around them.
I'm sure there is a case for the communication that doesn't side step things but gets them dealt with and I'm pro that for sure. But for the space we were in - our love and respect was demonstrated in being careful with one another. We fought like, twice. And the fight being an emotional response to something we weren't fighting about. Typically our fear at his fight with cancer but that same fear muted us from communicating around that. Not that we didn't talk about his treatments, which I went to, his medications, next steps blah, blah, blah but we did our best to keep things some easy going version of 'normal.'
He was an incredible athlete, fearless. Was amazing at Tae kwon do. Took up slack lining because it looked interesting and had an innate sense of balance where others teetered tottered. and fell. Would chat with me while spending incredible lengths of time on a balance board to keep his strength up for one more trip to the mountain. Which he attacked, every time. I have a diagram he drew me on how I should be snowboarding and that he would show me the next time we went. Constantly boxing with the dudes when they were over. It would be funny to be curled up on the couch - no I don't want to box, but thanks - and seem them dancing around like little boys to a David Bowie soundtrack. That was a great punch! something never said by me.
One time we had his air pistol at the Golden Hawk casa and I was like, no - I don't need to fire the gun, thanks but wore down with the 'just try it' on repeat. Got up, took aim at the walnut (R.I.P. Nutty) blew it to smithereens with my first shot. Dead silence. G - I don't know whether to be turned on or frightened.
It was just a lucky shot. As proved by my many misses thereafter. 'You're just not trying now' Honestly, no, I swear I am not hiding my Lara Croft tendencies.
We invented Onesies. Which is where everyone gets one turn with their iPod to play their song which was really about strategy since you wanted the party to stay strong! but someone's previous pick would derail what you had picked out as they didn't complement each other as well. Fun times, so many fun times. Just doing nothing.
I have been incredibly blessed in how many amazing friendships I have/had. But you were one in a million, Gareth. I love you. And you stink.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Wouldn’t it be interesting to be able to see what the difference in other worlds would be if one small thing (conversation, intersection crossing, sandwich) changed?
Not even to go to that world or have it actually be able to change anything other than your perception of your 'real' world? Like you could say (because of course there is a giant complicated looking machine that you would say this too, who else would project the accurate reality of how the world would have ended up with the factor change) What is the world like if we were all respectful polyamourous mono-partnership people?
Is there less war? What if every faith based community place was really the demonstration of the more joyous, loving example of that faith’s basic tenets? And that was carried into the street? I’m a kinder, more peaceful version of me? Or is everyone going crazy from a monotonous, static existence? I love that, "I’m just sayin" (TM - me. "You/They're not wrong" - also TM to me. That's my shit) has become a widespread colloquialism. I want more plants in my living space.
My nails are getting super long, almost uncomfortable but I am kinda curious to see what grotesque length they could achieve before I break 2 which is my manicure limit. Sometimes the Peak is untouchable in their mixes and sometimes I’m like you’re killing me with this overplayed, mangy mix. I do love Dan Mangan at anytime though. When I am being funniest to me, it’s hard to break the streak of hilarity to record it which would change the paths my brain is on and would probably just be me staring at a screen grinning like a buffoon instead of staring off into space. I wonder why my nails have lasted so long? they are too long to type comfortably with, I should chop’em.
Not even to go to that world or have it actually be able to change anything other than your perception of your 'real' world? Like you could say (because of course there is a giant complicated looking machine that you would say this too, who else would project the accurate reality of how the world would have ended up with the factor change) What is the world like if we were all respectful polyamourous mono-partnership people?
Is there less war? What if every faith based community place was really the demonstration of the more joyous, loving example of that faith’s basic tenets? And that was carried into the street? I’m a kinder, more peaceful version of me? Or is everyone going crazy from a monotonous, static existence? I love that, "I’m just sayin" (TM - me. "You/They're not wrong" - also TM to me. That's my shit) has become a widespread colloquialism. I want more plants in my living space.
My nails are getting super long, almost uncomfortable but I am kinda curious to see what grotesque length they could achieve before I break 2 which is my manicure limit. Sometimes the Peak is untouchable in their mixes and sometimes I’m like you’re killing me with this overplayed, mangy mix. I do love Dan Mangan at anytime though. When I am being funniest to me, it’s hard to break the streak of hilarity to record it which would change the paths my brain is on and would probably just be me staring at a screen grinning like a buffoon instead of staring off into space. I wonder why my nails have lasted so long? they are too long to type comfortably with, I should chop’em.
It’s interesting to watch people in the alley way. Hearing my radio, other people in their apartments, passersby, drivers, helicopters. Funny to think of how preoccupied I am with me and there is so much life happening that is preoccupied with itself. Not that this grandiose musing will ever stop me from wondering if this dress makes my ass look fat - and by fat I mean phat since I have an awesome posterior. I like it at least.
The older I get the more I like putting stuff back in its place. It’s so amazing to not have the stressy sweating exasperation of where are my fucking keys? Where did I put my bank card after the bar? Who moved my phone? I also like slippers but thong ones because I have hot feet but sometimes they start of cool and I'd like a little comfort.
I love True Blood. The books were steamy, groping, neck stroking good reads. The TV shows do a lot to stimulate my imagination as well. Alexander Skarsgard is a total yes.
I love when music reminds me of people that make me happy. Only Jason Mraz is rage inducing. I even hate his last name. I wouldn’t hate it on someone else, just his douchtastic ass biting self.
I love when music reminds me of people that make me happy. Only Jason Mraz is rage inducing. I even hate his last name. I wouldn’t hate it on someone else, just his douchtastic ass biting self.
I have lived by 2 firestations now and not gotten lucky. I don’t want to be a ho on a stroll about this but I have walked by on my way to neighbours/public transit, and run by all sweaty with great sunglasses on, so what gives you sluts? Everyone knows you’re supposed to be a sure thing. Maybe that’s why you don’t approach, why ask when it gets thrown in your hands? I wish my cat wouldn’t drink the mossy gross balcony water.
I wish I had True Blood on my computer I would love to be watching re-runs of that. I wish I knew what was the gaddamn ‘end' key on a Mac. My neighbours have a really awesome balcony they have used their tiny space amazingly well unlike me who just melted her Canadian flag on her bbq. Sorry about everything. I have no desire to ride a motorcycle or be around giant snakes. I can’t stand spiders. I do like getting way off topic. Well, assuming I can close the loop and go back to the original conversation within a reasonable to me amount of time. White fist of frustration pose. Now that’s funny - good tag line y yoga.
I love Moubebe.
I love Moubebe.
Geckos. Wild
I wish I had a remote for the radio station or my iPod. Man do I miss several things of living with Cory, I love a media-related technological house. I would like someone to just do that for me and slowly so I can absorb the knowledge and make it mine. Maybe there’s a youtube video. Control arrow is the end key. I hope I can store this knowledge. I am hearing the giant purple thing from ATHF’s voice saying that every time. Kn-ow-ledge.
I wish I had a remote for the radio station or my iPod. Man do I miss several things of living with Cory, I love a media-related technological house. I would like someone to just do that for me and slowly so I can absorb the knowledge and make it mine. Maybe there’s a youtube video. Control arrow is the end key. I hope I can store this knowledge. I am hearing the giant purple thing from ATHF’s voice saying that every time. Kn-ow-ledge.
Nawimean?
a haiku:
Dude, that's so profound
burnt sugar is a real treat
now I'm gas powered
xo
Flying purple, people-eater
Just read this as if you are on a roller coaster.
I love music so much - Flaming Lips - Do You Realize is pulling at my heart strings, What a Good Boy reminding me of struggle and of high school friendship. Been on my mind that boy. No idea if I reach out or not. Is there a point? I really love my cat, that’s worth mentioning.
I love Chuck Norris jokes and lilies.
a haiku:
well that was random
sloth meme is my favourite
melty chocolate taste
xo
I love music so much - Flaming Lips - Do You Realize is pulling at my heart strings, What a Good Boy reminding me of struggle and of high school friendship. Been on my mind that boy. No idea if I reach out or not. Is there a point? I really love my cat, that’s worth mentioning.
I feel a perfect ratio of travel for me would be 40%. Gone enough that it’s major but not so much that I feel I am missing things. I hate to miss things. I want a bf that is taller than me so I can wear at least little heels and thicker than me but committed to health a little more than I am but not so much that they’ll ban cheese or something from the house. I do enjoy being found humorous. I do want someone to give me a-HAHA! surprise funny moments. Catch me off guard verbally, joyfully spar with me. Meld perfectly with my friends and family. Enjoy animals, being cool with me getting past my emotional, mental blocks. I’m awesome and I just need to get out of my own way and I will remind myself. I need to have it up somewhere so when I am feeling dippy, I throw those nonsense thoughts out. I need to not constantly expect perfect self-reliance, I will ask for help, be open to hearing others.
I can’t wait for my next dip into Vancouver. I am also going to make it to Austin. One night only, appearing in your city - I’m a rock star. I could burst with how happy hanging with my So West Coasts makes me. I need to flip my mattress I wonder if that will help. I wonder if I combine 2 flat pillows in one pillow case if it will be the perfect thickness and firmness for me. I’d sure like to find something of the right thickness and firmness for me. Smirk. Laughing at typing smirk.
I can’t wait for my next dip into Vancouver. I am also going to make it to Austin. One night only, appearing in your city - I’m a rock star. I could burst with how happy hanging with my So West Coasts makes me. I need to flip my mattress I wonder if that will help. I wonder if I combine 2 flat pillows in one pillow case if it will be the perfect thickness and firmness for me. I’d sure like to find something of the right thickness and firmness for me. Smirk. Laughing at typing smirk.
I also love delicious cookies. I need to go buy sake and gather my sheez since I need to be out the door in an hour and would like to shower. I love free artsy magazines. For future reference, I feel the router for gene cafe is on the east side of the building as there aren’t too many people here with comps and my download speed is shite. I do want more homies. I need to do more camping, I’d like to go soon. I need to possee out.
I love downloading music - I wish I’d been there person to win $10000 from iTunes. Apple, I love your stuff. Now give it to me for free.
People watching is awesome. If I ever have kids I am going to introduce them to as many things as possible so they don’t grow up thinking they need to be a doctor or lawyer or something similar - unless they want to - I’d love to say my kid is off studying pygmy mating rituals to learn how to decrease bullying in urban centers with at risk kids. Beat that.
People watching is awesome. If I ever have kids I am going to introduce them to as many things as possible so they don’t grow up thinking they need to be a doctor or lawyer or something similar - unless they want to - I’d love to say my kid is off studying pygmy mating rituals to learn how to decrease bullying in urban centers with at risk kids. Beat that.
I should volunteer more, I do have the time. I just need to schedule it in.
My Craigslist-er beware story is a shame on me tale as I was dumb enough to buy off some low life, shitty hair cut sportin,g wanky teenager - who shook my hand! What kind of low life are you if you shake someone’s hand? That’s supposed to be a thing of honour. I mean, I know in business you can hate someone but you are bound by your word. Assuming you aren’t getting there by being a wretched fucking pissant. Such as the one that sold me that lemon.
Okay, I am adult enough to recognize that I should have met him somewhere for more than 5 mins and tested it out. Caveat emptor right? I need to think of things I can make with whatever is in my fridge. I need to plan nights in. I need to do nothing Sunday for instance. I need to do planks and push ups and lunges in series before bed or when I wake up.
Okay, I am adult enough to recognize that I should have met him somewhere for more than 5 mins and tested it out. Caveat emptor right? I need to think of things I can make with whatever is in my fridge. I need to plan nights in. I need to do nothing Sunday for instance. I need to do planks and push ups and lunges in series before bed or when I wake up.
I love hip hop. I hope that my iPod makes wise choices in what it leaves off since I have too much music now apparently. So you say. I need to do some weeding though, as I have added random blogged lists. My lilies are really bursting.
These almonds are too salty, I wish I could stop eating them. I love snacks. I love this Kanye song, it makes no sense. Robocop. I love your sense of whimsy ‘Ye. This convinces me you compose when you’re high.
These almonds are too salty, I wish I could stop eating them. I love snacks. I love this Kanye song, it makes no sense. Robocop. I love your sense of whimsy ‘Ye. This convinces me you compose when you’re high.
I love Chuck Norris jokes and lilies.
a haiku:
well that was random
sloth meme is my favourite
melty chocolate taste
xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)