Ain't this some shit

Trying


I keep repeating to myself, 'Be the water, not the rock,' I am trying to embody this. Currently and ongoingly.


I am mad at the dudes that have thwarted my attempts at being a two-some recently. I have gone through a gamut of gentlemen. My girls know, I don't like to share details of anything, ever but they know those nicknames as Corn guy, for those in the know, networker wank job, hair guy and so forth, I have been tryin'.



However, my fucking glorious friend Wanda at a conference we were at was like but what if your glorious life, that you love, is it? She didn't say it exactly like that but I think that's a good question to ask. I really like my life... I wish I was better at money and saving and owned my own house, but I spend a lot of time being happy and if it ended tomorrow, I would have a fuckload of people who missed me and feel I could confidently say I left a mark. And I don't know that there's more than that.


Be the water, not the rock.


All gifts to my life


Let's see.


There are three times in my life a gentleman, I would consider a significant part of my timeline, made me feel secure and hot as hell. I didn't give a shit about any other woman in that guy's life. I knew I was his flavour and it's not as if I don't get jealous but I never was with them. And I was thinking about my seldom ever feeling jealousy since I was always of the opinion of if you can be tempted elsewhere, then go. It would never be a sudden thing so something else was wrong/causing us to drift and if that happens and neither of us says what's up and can we find a way back, go. Find your flavour. But I thought about it a little more and my ability to turn a page an never look back, ever, I had a tiny whispered thought in my brain that maybe because I watched my mom and grandma put up with so much work, responsibility for physical/emotional/future needs, (as it appeared to me) emotional abuse without any push back and so it's only now occurring to me that could be possibly one of the reasons why I am so quick to walk away. I see anything that smacks of words/behviour from men in my family and I shunt you to the box labeled, new phone who dis? Never open.


I know a lot of good mascs so it's not as if my rom-com heart doesn't hope from time to time but I don't have a lot of faith in cis men at this juncture.




so obvi this is a couple weeks later but I have had this thought about myself:



A powerful waterfall is continuously moving and adapting to changes in geography/situation. There will also be numerous sharp, rocks but the water softens the rocks over time but the power remains and then is unfettered. I am a waterfall. I am working on being unfettered.


I went off in my mind and had a million hilarious thoughts on my various contemplation trains. I only remember that one of them concluded in, before Drizzy coined it, I was going from 0 to 100 real quick. Real quick. Ooh, the temper. Smoooothing out edges. with time. and therapy. which is also with time. I'm an evolving butterfly.



Also, this is a great time to shout out Dida and I successfully did a project together and NEITHER of us lost our minds. Every time Dida concedes to let me do a 'blue' job because no one else consistently comes around, sorry not sorry family jab, we have a clash of the Titans fucking blow up and I scream something at his ass since he can longer move fast / do more then penguin hobble before storming into the house and dunking my head under cold water. Even funnier, every single time we're about to start a job Baka shimmies after me saying don't get angry / let him push you / etc a certain familiar phrase of please don't lose your shit because he's lost his shit this time and every single time I'm like, Baka, c'mon, it's gonna be fine. THIS TIME IT WAS! GLITTER CANNON! MORE CONFETTI! AGGRESSIVE SPORTS HORNS!


Thank god, so few people hear how I speak to my cats. Like, there's obviously a level I go to when it's just us but I do slip when friends are over and some of my nutso for catso spills out. But also, with the exception of my brother, his child army, JB three times, my dad a couple times, there have been no men in this place before a recent friendish came over. Spike gave him such love eyes I was like, are. you. kidding. me. right. MEOW! and if you read that through a filter of simmering rage because I literally conjure up new ways to make these fucking SUCKHOLES of everything happy, you right. Anyhoo, combined with how much he loves to rough house with my nephews, who largely ignore him for a screen, I have decided Deathspike is gay. The evidence is clear.



SO yeah.



I really need to get a thing to plug into my Mac and speak into as I WISH you could have heard some of tonight's gold, it was gold, Jerry. Or as PNN says, I'll start my own YouTube channel. With the millennials. HAHAHAHAHAAA oh god that's amazing. HAAAAAA.



a haiku:




but what if all dreams

were blueprints for tomorrow

so why not wake up?




xo




A

But it might

I'm a conduit of abundance. 


Trying to make salve for the first time and the site I am following said decarb for 20 mins which is 4:20 pm EST this day so thought I should roll one and something about good omens.


I am pure comedy to me - full stop - when I read what I have written weeks later and will again say I wish I did this more often but the flesh is weak and things. ANYHOO! I am...talent shallow when it comes to baking and science. So for the TL;DR version, the above did not, in fact, come thru. 

I will never abandon the idea that there is a baker within me but frankly, I am addicted to hyperbole. We all know but! (I have no idea what this means. I may have sampled the above attempts. #YOLO)

Podcasts live on such a really want to get to it list and keep seeing post fb lists of ones they wax poetic on and friends agreeing on podcasts and if there's anything I like to throw my support behind stuff my bubble agrees on, and yet. 

I do many moves to make sure I am the good person in the story unless I stop caring - I realize I have typed a version of that sentence a million times trying to present my selfishness before claiming an innate desire to be kind. The fact that I lose my temper negates the fact that I try to help the life of others every day as well. Also, had a really great chat with my BFF today in two parts (Reminder: coming for the crown, ohehnee) where I realized how much I push guilt onto myself which I allow to compound my resistance to course correction later. Putting a pin on digging up the origin and new way of being around that for soon. 

Thinking of people I have boned in the past even that I didn't treat with camping rules (better than you found it) I know I could go back still. I always leave first and am a babe so... there's no excuse. Going forward I am gonna lean into a year of Yes (has anyone I know read that book? Can you save me a mo and tell me if the title is the point summed up?)

One thing from my time with Gareth is I am a master at shutting down emotion like I can visualize the bricks forming around the thought/pain/emotion which is another thing on the lifelong list to massage into a light, guilt free zone. 

I've barely read this to take out the most obvious mistakes but I don't know where Iw as going with this mess but I'ma just hit publish and see if I can start anew. Spoiler alert, I sure fucking can. 

a haiku:

does it have to make
sense or are all thoughts legit
not in this sweet brain

xo

A