I feel gross if I am sharing cheetos/smart food/other fake dusty snacks with people and you get the build up of the dust and you need to lick it off since it's starting to feel like you're gripping your cheetos with ugly stubs but then you shoot a side eye at the person you are sharing with to see if they'll notice that you are sneaking post-lick fingers back in. As if you are basically open mouth drooling into the bag. This gross feeling doesn't stop me, future chip sharers. Also, I am going to try and not eat those things since I'm on a new if it didn't have a mother/come from the ground don't eat it thing.
I grew up eating out of my Croatian grandmother's garden and I am certain that plays a role in the good health I enjoy currently (stay with me health!!)
I have to confess. I am a raw garlic addict. It started off so innocently - eating smoked meats and trying to be as tough as Dida (my grandfather) since he would eat the whole raw cloves!! and then do this side to side bouncy step. Then Baka told me that it would kill off anything bad in me, and I grew up certain she a) was a truthteller b) knew everything. However, like most addictions it may or may not be getting out of hand. I just realized the other day that between two meals and an illicit late night snack of meats that I was clocking in at around 7 cloves for the day. ESCANDALOSO! Also, I started having people, some time after I had consumed the spicy nuggets of health plus had a shower, that would delicately sniff the air and enquire as to whether or not I had enjoyed a very garlicy meal recently. Not recently...
Off-gassing. This might be the ideal way to attract the kind of dude that I would want to link arms perma style with or maybe he never gets close enough to discover my charming, effervescent personality. Who can say? My father says to knock it back several notches but he is a) not always a truthteller and b) doesn't know everything.
I want to be part of a community garden mostly for the hat and to be abe to nod sagely in the presence of other gardeners when they talk about methods of pest control (Baka suggests pie tins with fake beer for slugs, fyi) Partially because I think there is a sad lack of community these days. It's more stark when I am at my parents house which has been the hacienda for just shy of 20 years. Errybody knows errybody and their business. We are lucky enough to live sandwiched between the two greatest information gatherers of all time. One because she has worked in the oldest doctors office since the town existed and the other since she likes to talk and is a ninja at ferreting out your bidness. Anywho, I'd like to be smiling and waving at the people I cross paths with, getting to know my local butcher and the like. I'm gettin' me some of that action. Hello, the people.
Speaking of Stark who else can't wait for Game of Thrones? Hooray! So Soon! Goosebumps! I love revenge!! In fictional characters of course, IRL I subscribe to the, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Confucius school of thought. Confy, he knew his shit.
If I get famous you know what's going to be the eccentricity I enjoy? No? Not part of Jojo's psychic alliance? Well, I'ma tell you. It's a bamboo back scratcher that I will take with me everywhere. I looooove my back scratcher. Who doesn't experience eye rolling, cascading pleasure when that middle of the shoulder blades itch gets got? Although, this does add to the roster of thing I will have to constantly check for - cell, wallet, keys. I am a perpetual lose-r of things. No I won't!! I'll have a lackey! Sweet, sweet lackey! I'll also be sedated for my pedicures since I hate my feet being touched and they may or may not get mangy with the lack of love/ability to touch them I exhibit. Nobody look at my feet.
I like approval being roared at me. I also like big cats that roar. Roaring. It's the new planking.
I want to be swinging from a hammock in sweet heat with a juicy fruit dripping delight. Maybe the Philippines to see G-Money and his hot woman? C'est possible. I'm going to make it happen. I am slightly embarrassed but mostly proud to admit I have stopped reading my horoscope as an indicator of how my day will go - I make my own magic.
I need to put the lotion on its skin, I am dry in this province. Oh and water, I need that too and not the sweet coffee I am sipping away at. I've started using sunscreen on my face. This has come at the end of a lengthy battle with my delusion that I could will myself into having olive skin and being a sunbaby. I've also been willing myself into a thinner body. There's a lesson I need to learn somewhere here about willing things to happen.
I hope y'all are enjoying the links embedded in these posts. I like sharing. Have a superlative day and never forget, ' You're money baby and you don't even know!'
a haiku:
talkin' about it
so shake your money maker
savvy goalkeeper
xo
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
ain't nobody got time for that
I was just in my best friend's wedding and for my speech I ninja rolled onto the stage and fireworks shot out of my finger tips!
Not a true story but imagine how you would feel if you were able to do that. That's how I felt.
I've been in a number of weddings (always the bridesmaid...) and given a number of speeches and who boo-hoo's through them all? This guy. Just to give you the proper barometer. Maury Povich's babydaddy reveals? Crying. The email of the wounded animal curling up to another animal of a different species? Bawling. Toe stubbed? Sackcloth, ashes and fists at the sky. So, yes. For everything. In a melodramatic fashion. I FEEL.
Anywho, the giving of this particular speech was the Universe slapping me in the face and saying you're goddamn great, get the goddamn memo. I hurr ya, Universe. Finally. I dove onto that stage (true story) and gave the performance of a lifetime. Heartfelt. My best friend is the best, truly. What makes this speech momentous is that the crowd ERUPTED! when my name was called, I shit you not. And they laughed at the right places! I didn't cry! I. Didn't. Cry. Amazeballs.
It's funny I rely on Facebook to give me memo's and I totally realize that makes as much sense as going to a toddler for advice on drawing (finger paint FTW!) but we all gotta be ready for the info, who can say where it will pop up in front of our finally opened eyes. Not that I have had a metamorphasis but I'm slowly moving out of that chrysalid and that's totes mcgotes okidoki. Wait a minute, I was pointing to something mentioning FB - what was it?....
Don't you just LOVE those sidewalk paintings? I'll find an example...
Not a true story but imagine how you would feel if you were able to do that. That's how I felt.
I've been in a number of weddings (always the bridesmaid...) and given a number of speeches and who boo-hoo's through them all? This guy. Just to give you the proper barometer. Maury Povich's babydaddy reveals? Crying. The email of the wounded animal curling up to another animal of a different species? Bawling. Toe stubbed? Sackcloth, ashes and fists at the sky. So, yes. For everything. In a melodramatic fashion. I FEEL.
Anywho, the giving of this particular speech was the Universe slapping me in the face and saying you're goddamn great, get the goddamn memo. I hurr ya, Universe. Finally. I dove onto that stage (true story) and gave the performance of a lifetime. Heartfelt. My best friend is the best, truly. What makes this speech momentous is that the crowd ERUPTED! when my name was called, I shit you not. And they laughed at the right places! I didn't cry! I. Didn't. Cry. Amazeballs.
It's funny I rely on Facebook to give me memo's and I totally realize that makes as much sense as going to a toddler for advice on drawing (finger paint FTW!) but we all gotta be ready for the info, who can say where it will pop up in front of our finally opened eyes. Not that I have had a metamorphasis but I'm slowly moving out of that chrysalid and that's totes mcgotes okidoki. Wait a minute, I was pointing to something mentioning FB - what was it?....
Don't you just LOVE those sidewalk paintings? I'll find an example...
WILD, right? Humanity! I am bonkers for you showing how much good you can do! Bonkers! (just plain some would say...wheee!)
Oh god. so remember 1.7 seconds ago when I spoke about the crying? Well, here's this. AND ties in what I love about humanity.
Are there people out there who can resist reggae? I'll tell you one of the best times of my life doesn't feature reggae but my best friend and I down in the Bahamas and got swindled getting into this club and features a man named Action. De fine gals tried to teach me all the local badonkadonk shaking ways. I got some of them. But rhythm and I only shake hands periodically. Don't get me wrong I am FULLY of the dance like no one is watching mentality but I have no idea how it works out in real life. This is why I'm hot. Thanks Mims.
Man, am I ready to wear cute dresses and pop my glasses at hot dudes in the summer heat. I wish it was tomorrow. Not really, I need time to shimmy my body to Jillian Michaels yelling at me.
You wanna know whats my favourite song? Of course you do!!
It's this one, I sing it to everyone. Only I sing it at a much faster clip, people need to get together with alacrity. Shit needs gettin' done. I don't like answering what's my favourite song as it's totally dependant on my goldfish memory and whatever my mood dictated coupled with what the last 10 songs on my iPod were. Music is the key to my happiness though, I love people so much more when I am smiling and nodding to my favourite beat.
You know what's hard? Baking! It's like Science! And they mean it when they give you the recipe steps. I'm more of a well, its a cup-ish and I don't have that but I do have this! I'm going to take a cooking course eventually and a knife skills one and then maybe baking. Probably not with my flour addiction. If I could make my own croissants it would basically be time to start order muu-muus in XXXL. Sexy.
I have a headache. Dehydration station. Go get yourself a glass of water, you know it's been a while.
Here's Moubebe.
My brother calls her Mouchebag. I don't like it. Mouey dooooooo!
a haiku:
gonna stick with you
togetherness is the best
revolutionize
xo
Monday, 25 February 2013
Are you fucking with me?
Children - goddamn if they aren't out here to poke at your fragile synapses.
I worked in Early Childhood Education centres for a while (at one place we called wine 'nachos', so we could talk about how excited we were for the first 'bite' the second the last ankle biter left) in addition to being a nanny and am now at an age where my female friends are starting to hear uterus-based gongs ringing.
I myself, would much rather work in a big cats sanctuary than breed but chacun son goût, n'est-ce pas?
VS
I'm just sayin'... I had one friend call me up to tell me that their adorable tyke had shot feces out of their brown onion to the adjacent wall. 4 feet away. 8 months old. DECLINED.
Anywho, I was starting to wake bambinos up at one place I helped forming humans happen and, as was my wont, I went to the back room to start with the kids there.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!
I am NOT exaggerating! It's cold season and one Sweet Cherub in his slumber dug for gold and, I don't know, severed his brain stem. At least that's what it looked like. Important life lesson, when in full panic my heartbeat actually slows and my skin gets very cool. (Google that later, self)
He groggily says hello and starts to tell me about his dream in the vernacular a 20 month old possesses. The other bambinos stir and eventually one wanders over to take my hand and starts to ask about snack when they notice their tiny compatriot looks like a missing extra from Saw 10. 'What's wrong with Sweet Cherub?' This alerts SC to the fact that something is off in his world. (You didn't know!?!) Which sends me into a campaign manager in a Republican office after the married 'straight' boss is caught with a dude whirlwind. The Universe, truly had my back as I seldom pre- put out the snacks since, dairy + Children. sometimes it's not nice. I can't tell you the amount of times I have said god! jesus! what is that!?! after a big ol'diaper reveal. Lawdamercy.
This monumental day I had been extra prepared and so sent the first batch of kids out to wake the other kids up and sit at the table. 34 seconds later there's a chorus of 'which one's mine' and 'don't touch my stuff.' I plant SC in the bathroom and cheerily sing song ''stay here for bubble time!' - I sort out the team. Cheerfully stuffing their faces, one has the presence of mind to ask about SC to which I say remember the lesson on spreading germs and tissue? (Chorus) yes! well SC is learning that lesson in a different way today and if everyone isn't quiet and finishes their snack and waits for me we'll all be learning the lesson of silence and sitting by oneself on the corner. There are blanks stares as I may have spoken at a pace unrecognizable to all but robots. Or because they were all under two. Regardless, back to bubble time. I hastily undress SC since I know I have 6 mins until the first member of the team will finish their tasty bites (can't hate, I wake up hungry too) and gets the fidgeting party that turns into the touching things we're not supposed party and then, well Dante wrote about what happens next. The bubbles have barely formed when I'm finishing the rinsiroo saying wasn't that fun you must be hungry I wonder what everyone else is doing lift your foot other foot and GO time!
Then there's the future A-hole who looks at you full in the eye as you say for the 39th time don't touch that and slowly extends their hand. It's almost as if you and that object are physically linked as the second the pad of their finger glances against the surface an army of devils starts conga-ing on your spine. I actually said to a 1 1/2 yr are you fucking with me?!? to which the giant brown eyed ethereally blond beauty beamed at me.
Fine. As long as we understand each other.
In truth - I do love other people's kids. The first child born into one friend group called her favourite doll by my name and when my name was said she would hold up one finger for #1. That's right. Number MF 1.
When at the scene of the massacre one mom came up to me and told me that I was her kid's first word I felt really bad for the mom and elated for me as it was from my favourite. That kid and I would beam at each other in mutual love. When a kid curls up next to you and sleepily corrects you in a story because they know it by heart. I dare you not crumble. I had regular sleep overs with 3 of my friends kids since, like myself, they had no family in that province and needed a sleep in once in a while. We had the best time. Everything you loved about your cool aunt? Me. Not that I am not firmly about rules - they're like puppies. Need serious boundaries. Calm voice. That's a No.
Best of all, I have a god-son to go to Neverland with.
The Future - My sibling and their partner are one trimester in. I feel that will be life changing. I'm excited.
To NOT change diapers ayooooooooo!
a haiku:
true childhood magic
and I don't wanna grow up
just gimme the perks
xo
I worked in Early Childhood Education centres for a while (at one place we called wine 'nachos', so we could talk about how excited we were for the first 'bite' the second the last ankle biter left) in addition to being a nanny and am now at an age where my female friends are starting to hear uterus-based gongs ringing.
I myself, would much rather work in a big cats sanctuary than breed but chacun son goût, n'est-ce pas?
VS
I'm just sayin'... I had one friend call me up to tell me that their adorable tyke had shot feces out of their brown onion to the adjacent wall. 4 feet away. 8 months old. DECLINED.
Anywho, I was starting to wake bambinos up at one place I helped forming humans happen and, as was my wont, I went to the back room to start with the kids there.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!
I am NOT exaggerating! It's cold season and one Sweet Cherub in his slumber dug for gold and, I don't know, severed his brain stem. At least that's what it looked like. Important life lesson, when in full panic my heartbeat actually slows and my skin gets very cool. (Google that later, self)
He groggily says hello and starts to tell me about his dream in the vernacular a 20 month old possesses. The other bambinos stir and eventually one wanders over to take my hand and starts to ask about snack when they notice their tiny compatriot looks like a missing extra from Saw 10. 'What's wrong with Sweet Cherub?' This alerts SC to the fact that something is off in his world. (You didn't know!?!) Which sends me into a campaign manager in a Republican office after the married 'straight' boss is caught with a dude whirlwind. The Universe, truly had my back as I seldom pre- put out the snacks since, dairy + Children. sometimes it's not nice. I can't tell you the amount of times I have said god! jesus! what is that!?! after a big ol'diaper reveal. Lawdamercy.
This monumental day I had been extra prepared and so sent the first batch of kids out to wake the other kids up and sit at the table. 34 seconds later there's a chorus of 'which one's mine' and 'don't touch my stuff.' I plant SC in the bathroom and cheerily sing song ''stay here for bubble time!' - I sort out the team. Cheerfully stuffing their faces, one has the presence of mind to ask about SC to which I say remember the lesson on spreading germs and tissue? (Chorus) yes! well SC is learning that lesson in a different way today and if everyone isn't quiet and finishes their snack and waits for me we'll all be learning the lesson of silence and sitting by oneself on the corner. There are blanks stares as I may have spoken at a pace unrecognizable to all but robots. Or because they were all under two. Regardless, back to bubble time. I hastily undress SC since I know I have 6 mins until the first member of the team will finish their tasty bites (can't hate, I wake up hungry too) and gets the fidgeting party that turns into the touching things we're not supposed party and then, well Dante wrote about what happens next. The bubbles have barely formed when I'm finishing the rinsiroo saying wasn't that fun you must be hungry I wonder what everyone else is doing lift your foot other foot and GO time!
Then there's the future A-hole who looks at you full in the eye as you say for the 39th time don't touch that and slowly extends their hand. It's almost as if you and that object are physically linked as the second the pad of their finger glances against the surface an army of devils starts conga-ing on your spine. I actually said to a 1 1/2 yr are you fucking with me?!? to which the giant brown eyed ethereally blond beauty beamed at me.
Fine. As long as we understand each other.
In truth - I do love other people's kids. The first child born into one friend group called her favourite doll by my name and when my name was said she would hold up one finger for #1. That's right. Number MF 1.
When at the scene of the massacre one mom came up to me and told me that I was her kid's first word I felt really bad for the mom and elated for me as it was from my favourite. That kid and I would beam at each other in mutual love. When a kid curls up next to you and sleepily corrects you in a story because they know it by heart. I dare you not crumble. I had regular sleep overs with 3 of my friends kids since, like myself, they had no family in that province and needed a sleep in once in a while. We had the best time. Everything you loved about your cool aunt? Me. Not that I am not firmly about rules - they're like puppies. Need serious boundaries. Calm voice. That's a No.
Best of all, I have a god-son to go to Neverland with.
The Future - My sibling and their partner are one trimester in. I feel that will be life changing. I'm excited.
To NOT change diapers ayooooooooo!
a haiku:
true childhood magic
and I don't wanna grow up
just gimme the perks
xo
Judgey Wudgey was a bear..
I have a hard time with ear wax and mucous. Why can't it be sunshine and rainbows that blows the demons from my body?
Things I like: slacker.com - http://mefits.co/ - brodawkaandfriends.com - classifiedofficial.com - bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion
I love Wheelchair Jimmy and his music. And he can kiss my ass if he thinks I will stop calling him Wheelchair Jimmy.
I also love car dancing with my brother. God, thats fun. Unless he gets enthusiastic with his monkey arms. Shiners. Ain't nobody got time for that.
My mind is constantly spinning. Pro - I'm funny. Con - thinking instead of action. Or Megaultrasaurus Con - worrying. Which is why I...
Yep.
If I get J.K. Rowling rich I will f'sho have a low rider with mad hydraulics. 'Are you listening to hip hop and picturing your movie version thug life?' Why yes, I am. It is amazing how in one mood you can love a song and in another it's skip, skip, skip. Alt-J just came on the playlist and I am listening with intended love in my heart as I feel when one of my friends says OMG I love this amazing band! I expect to get it too. Mmm, undecided on the Alt-J. I probably would love the shit outta them if it was live. I love anyone live. Okay. Almost anyone. I get swept up by the peoples' enthusiasm! I find frenetic joy contagious. And moshing. I have areal weakness for Southern gentlemen but I hope to god if one gentlemen and I ever take a mutual shine to each other, please Universe, let him not love country. Although, if he was muy caliente, I'm quibbling over music. I'll get earplugs and wine. And it's not like I hate all country at all. It's just...whatever, this is me digging a non-loving hole.
a haiku;
dance party night prey
I've got Bette Davis eyes
booty shaking ghost.
xo
Things I like: slacker.com - http://mefits.co/ - brodawkaandfriends.com - classifiedofficial.com - bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion
I love Wheelchair Jimmy and his music. And he can kiss my ass if he thinks I will stop calling him Wheelchair Jimmy.
I also love car dancing with my brother. God, thats fun. Unless he gets enthusiastic with his monkey arms. Shiners. Ain't nobody got time for that.
My mind is constantly spinning. Pro - I'm funny. Con - thinking instead of action. Or Megaultrasaurus Con - worrying. Which is why I...
Listen to Bob. One love.
I love Google. I need to know why my phone has stopped capitalizing the first letter of every sentence, whether I should be taking lutein, why I cannot for the life of me get a gif onto this blog (seriously, if Google doesn't come through...compadres. Help) etc. sha-ZAAM! the info! Immediately. I love immediately. Which reminds me - patience. Cultivate that shit.
I wish my phone came with a 'look first, send second' button. Or that I would look first of my own instinct/volition I guess. I did not (did) mean butler of wine sweet cellphone. I meant a bottle. You should know better. (I should know better) However! As one genius friend pointed out - it's 2013, how is there no FOLD button the dryer? Everyone's least favourite thing to do is fold clothes. Should you be a gentleman who is an RMT Chef who loves folding and thinking of fun things to do, please respond below. I got some stuff to trade.
You know what's one thing I have to stop saying and start doing? Yes, yes all those things too but! more importantly going to music festivals. I say I'm going to like 5 a year. I haven't been to one in YEARS! You wanna talk crimes against humanity?!? This isn't one of them but it's still some shit.
I am loving moksha yoga! It's making me lose the ew! reaction to sweat. I mean, not if me and a manz is wrasslin' but otherwise... I am ROLLING with sweat like, 32 seconds in. I am a sweaty Betty but still, purification! I'm sure of it. And I think I'm getting better. Oh. sorry Gerald about the narrow miss of your 'nads last class. I was NOT expecting my slippery hands to lose grasp of my slippery ankles when you were trying to help a sister out.
Of all the acronyms out there TL;DR is my absolut fav. Sometimes it IS too long and I didn't read. I am a skim-er (...checking on urbandictionary.com to make sure I am not suggesting something is the horror sex section) of paragraphs and have my memory to send me the gist of each as a sentence. This is not a trustworthy nor infallible method of intaking information but so far, no major mishaps so onwards.
I did NOT know what bukkake meant! Awful! I've used it in conversation but just as a synonym for something bad. Well, Lesson learned. (probably not) When I looked up skim-er - UDict offered me seed skimmer - also gross.
However! you should look up Annie on urbandictionary - oh who's kidding who. I'ma do it for you - gold.
| 1. | annie | 2271 up, 762 down |
greek name: (meaning) gorgeous, kindhearted, rebelious, gentle towards others.
| ||
If I get J.K. Rowling rich I will f'sho have a low rider with mad hydraulics. 'Are you listening to hip hop and picturing your movie version thug life?' Why yes, I am. It is amazing how in one mood you can love a song and in another it's skip, skip, skip. Alt-J just came on the playlist and I am listening with intended love in my heart as I feel when one of my friends says OMG I love this amazing band! I expect to get it too. Mmm, undecided on the Alt-J. I probably would love the shit outta them if it was live. I love anyone live. Okay. Almost anyone. I get swept up by the peoples' enthusiasm! I find frenetic joy contagious. And moshing. I have areal weakness for Southern gentlemen but I hope to god if one gentlemen and I ever take a mutual shine to each other, please Universe, let him not love country. Although, if he was muy caliente, I'm quibbling over music. I'll get earplugs and wine. And it's not like I hate all country at all. It's just...whatever, this is me digging a non-loving hole.
a haiku;
dance party night prey
I've got Bette Davis eyes
booty shaking ghost.
xo
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