I love you, Man

Today is the 4th anniversary of the loss of my friend Gareth. This post will contain little to no mourning. Which is to say I would trade almost anything to have him back. That train of thought brings no happiness and is a diservice to remembering how fucking amazeballs he was. This is my testament to how much he brought to my life. 

My favourite thing ever was that our minds worked at the same speed and we were both addicted to researching whatever thought popped into our minds. I'd often get mid-day emails on whatever article had caught his attention with talking points. Which makes it sound more staid than it was - it's more so that information is like tinder and the synapses of ones mind, setting up the bonfire. 

He was all about little gestures. We said I love you to each other maybe, 3 times. We showed love a million ways. He spearheaded my first ever camping trip that involved proper gear and no car (except to the base) 
First, it starts with me having some money from a bonus and him telling me what I would buy. Not bossy style - he earnestly (always, earnestly with fingers spread for punctuating important points) just went through the pros and cons of various equipement diligently but I nodded thoughtfully to things I didn't, at that time, care about. I just wanted a experientially vetted list. I then got a how to properly pack your backpack tutorial. I then got a phone call checking if I followed the list/instructions. I then got a visit as there was no trust I was honest in saying I had faithfully followed said instructions. I would like to say, for the record it was properly packed and maybe I DID need a whole roll of toilet paper ("Are you expecting explosive diarhhea?") and a whole entire package of baby wipes ("Again, explosive diarhhea?", "Maybe! You don't know!") What I had blanked out of my mind, until Foxy Fenton reminded me, was that I did not, in fact, carry my backpack 100% of the trek. I may or may not (may) have 2 year old foot stomped, exclaimed No More! in strident tones and put down said backpack 85% into the hike. Gareth calmly picked it up - oh, after he came BACK DOWN to see how we were doing - and carried it to our peak after 3rd lake. He also set up my tent. When I followed him up a glacier and then almost DIED (true story, you can ask the Golden Hawk) he gave me his last hot chocolate. 

Fuck. Was he funny. I have been going through old albums on FB and laughing anew at his Zing!-ers. 
Best Friend and I were on a road trip and stopped off in Calgary to go to a dance party where you wore white to gleam under their blacklights. I caption the photo 'Team on a way to a white party' - his comment below "I thought you guys were warming up to minorities"
Douche. 
Making him laugh was my fav. I really felt like I had crafted a genius response if he laughed out loud. He spent some time in a befuddled state around me. 
What are you saying? 
How come you can't smoke a whole bong but can talk in paragraphs with one breath? *shrug* Who can say?

I spent almost every single day for over a year hanging with him. Watching Inervention (I would read during that show, way too disempowering) critiquing people on Mantracker. Getting an education in his favourite shows (Deadwood, the Wire) and music (Ghostface, Tom Waits) and just talking. About everything. The only time there was dead space was after the clock passed 2am and honestly, I could not be as lucid as he seemed to always be despite enough smoke to choke an elephant. A very high elephant. I made him a shirt with one of his favourite Moby Dick quotes, "Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me." I have it now. And various pieces of MEC clothing to augment the various camping experiences. Like using your thermorest as a magic carpet down the river. WHEEEEEEEEE!!!

Random things he said will pop into my mind at moments where he would have had a comment to make (always a comment to make) and I'll laugh and say you're not wrong aloud. My love for Halloween exponentially grew while we were hanging out discussing ideas. He had great costumes. He was low level addicted to his nieces, we chatted about them all the time. He would show me the books he was crafting on his Mac to send to them. His dog sat with me all the time and we got to be ninja fast at tossing a box of matches at each other depending where Ze dog dropped bombs. Eye watering, gag inducing bombs. Sweet Jesus. That dog's a-hole...I dogress.

We would walk all over the city at night - making plans to clone our respective pets, discussing music as a cultural barometer, him trying low level parkour stunts, me having 911 on stand by. My favourite place in the world is walking in the deep of night over the Georgia Viaduct. I can replay our convos with ease there.

I got a Mac because he praised them evangelically - being a graphic designer/artist - he got the most from Mac's applications/capabilities and was constantly showing me whatever was being created. Admonished himself for spending so much time on projects, getting so much detail in for pictures that would be reduced to 2" sq. So gifted. He bought me a hard drive because I said I would 'tomorrow' for weeks, he partitioned it, explained what I needed to do. Did it for me a few months later since I didn't pay it proper attention. Gave me one of his bikes since that stayed on the 'tomorrow' list for a long ass time as well.

He was the last man standing at every party. One friend and I (lovingly) coined the term 'Garathon' (he didn't like it, I apologized - I'm not THAT offended - mmm-hmmm) referring to the fact that the dude could give an engrossing for sure, hilarious in fact lecture on everything. EV-ery thing, at length. He was a night owl - when the rest of us were snoozy snooze he was looking into everything and wanted to share. He loved sharing. A lot. Could drink more than most and STILL be waxing prosaically on how the media played a role in West coast vs East coast rap. I remember when he stopped drinking beer and asked me on my way over to pick up wine. Which I did! And then when he saw it was red, being a solely white wine imbiber, turned to me and said, " Do you even know me?" Uh, yes. I just didn't know your wine type preference, princess. That being said only to Ze dog. I would take Ze dog with me everywhere and tell him EXACTLY what I thought of something G said. I would get back to his house and he would say or do something thoughtful and I wouldn't remember whatever irritated my brown onion.

We were masters of instinctually knowing each others' field mines and stepping around them.

I'm sure there is a case for the communication that doesn't side step things but gets them dealt with and I'm pro that for sure. But for the space we were in - our love and respect was demonstrated in being careful with one another. We fought like, twice. And the fight being an emotional response to something we weren't fighting about. Typically our fear at his fight with cancer but that same fear muted us from communicating around that. Not that we didn't talk about his treatments, which I went to, his medications, next steps blah, blah, blah but we did our best to keep things some easy going version of 'normal.'

He was an incredible athlete, fearless. Was amazing at Tae kwon do. Took up slack lining because it looked interesting and had an innate sense of balance where others teetered tottered. and fell. Would chat with me while spending incredible lengths of time on a balance board to keep his strength up for one more trip to the mountain. Which he attacked, every time. I have a diagram he drew me on how I should be snowboarding and that he would show me the next time we went. Constantly boxing with the dudes when they were over. It would be funny to be curled up on the couch - no I don't want to box, but thanks - and seem them dancing around like little boys to a David Bowie soundtrack. That was a great punch! something never said by me.

One time we had his air pistol at the Golden Hawk casa and I was like, no - I don't need to fire the gun, thanks but wore down with the 'just try it' on repeat. Got up, took aim at the walnut (R.I.P. Nutty) blew it to smithereens with my first shot. Dead silence. G - I don't know whether to be turned on or frightened.

It was just a lucky shot. As proved by my many misses thereafter. 'You're just not trying now' Honestly, no, I swear I am not hiding my Lara Croft tendencies. 

We invented Onesies. Which is where everyone gets one turn with their iPod to play their song which was really about strategy since you wanted the party to stay strong! but someone's previous pick would derail what you had picked out as they didn't complement each other as well. Fun times, so many fun times. Just doing nothing.


I have been incredibly blessed in how many amazing friendships I have/had. But you were one in a million, Gareth. I love you. And you stink.

Wouldn’t it be interesting to be able to see what the difference in other worlds would be if one small thing (conversation, intersection crossing, sandwich) changed? 

Not even to go to that world or have it actually be able to change anything other than your perception of your 'real' world? Like you could say (because of course there is a giant complicated looking machine that you would say this too, who else would project the accurate reality of how the world would have ended up with the factor change) What is the world like if we were all respectful polyamourous mono-partnership people? 
Is there less war? What if every faith based community place was really the demonstration of the more joyous, loving example of that faith’s basic tenets? And that was carried into the street? I’m a kinder, more peaceful version of me? Or is everyone going crazy from a monotonous, static existence? I love that, "I’m just sayin" (TM - me. "You/They're not wrong" - also TM to me. That's my shit) has become a widespread colloquialism. I want more plants in my living space. 

My nails are getting super long, almost uncomfortable but I am kinda curious to see what grotesque length they could achieve before I break 2 which is my manicure limit. Sometimes the Peak is untouchable in their mixes and sometimes I’m like you’re killing me with this overplayed, mangy mix. I do love Dan Mangan at anytime though. When I am being funniest to me, it’s hard to break the streak of hilarity to record it which would change the paths my brain is on and would probably just be me staring at a screen grinning like a buffoon instead of staring off into space. I wonder why my nails have lasted so long? they are too long to type comfortably with, I should chop’em. 

It’s interesting to watch people in the alley way. Hearing my radio, other people in their apartments, passersby, drivers, helicopters. Funny to think of how preoccupied I am with me and there is so much life happening that is preoccupied with itself. Not that this grandiose musing will ever stop me from wondering if this dress makes my ass look fat - and by fat I mean phat since I have an awesome posterior. I like it at least. 

The older I get the more I like putting stuff back in its place. It’s so amazing to not have the stressy sweating exasperation of where are my fucking keys? Where did I put my bank card after the bar? Who moved my phone? I also like slippers but thong ones because I have hot feet but sometimes they start of cool and I'd like a little comfort. 

I love True Blood. The books were steamy, groping, neck stroking good reads. The TV shows do a lot to stimulate my imagination as well. Alexander Skarsgard is a total yes. 
I love when music reminds me of people that make me happy. Only Jason Mraz is rage inducing. I even hate his last name. I wouldn’t hate it on someone else, just his douchtastic ass biting self. 

I have lived by 2 firestations now and not gotten lucky. I don’t want to be a ho on a stroll about this but I have walked by on my way to neighbours/public transit, and run by all sweaty with great sunglasses on, so what gives you sluts? Everyone knows you’re supposed to be a sure thing. Maybe that’s why you don’t approach, why ask when it gets thrown in your hands? I wish my cat wouldn’t drink the mossy gross balcony water. 

I wish I had True Blood on my computer I would love to be watching re-runs of that. I wish I knew what was the gaddamn ‘end' key on a Mac. My neighbours have a really awesome balcony they have used their tiny space amazingly well unlike me who just melted her Canadian flag on her bbq. Sorry about everything. I have no desire to ride a motorcycle or be around giant snakes. I can’t stand spiders. I do like getting way off topic. Well, assuming I can close the loop and go back to the original conversation within a reasonable to me amount of time. White fist of frustration pose. Now that’s funny - good tag line y yoga. 
I love Moubebe. 

Geckos. Wild

I wish I had a remote for the radio station or my iPod. Man do I miss several things of living with Cory, I love a media-related technological house. I would like someone to just do that for me and slowly so I can absorb the knowledge and make it mine. Maybe there’s a youtube video. Control arrow is the end key. I hope I can store this knowledge. I am hearing the giant purple thing from ATHF’s voice saying that every time. Kn-ow-ledge. 

Nawimean?

a haiku: 

Dude, that's so profound

burnt sugar is a real treat

now I'm gas powered

xo

Flying purple, people-eater

Just read this as if you are on a roller coaster. 

I love music so much - Flaming Lips - Do You Realize is pulling at my heart strings, What a Good Boy reminding me of struggle and of high school friendship. Been on my mind that boy. No idea if I reach out or not. Is there a point? I really love my cat, that’s worth mentioning.

I feel a perfect ratio of travel for me would be 40%. Gone enough that it’s major but not so much that I feel I am missing things. I hate to miss things. I want a bf that is taller than me so I can wear at least little heels and thicker than me but committed to health a little more than I am but not so much that they’ll ban cheese or something from the house. I do enjoy being found humorous. I do want someone to give me a-HAHA! surprise funny moments. Catch me off guard verbally, joyfully spar with me. Meld perfectly with my friends and family. Enjoy animals, being cool with me getting past my emotional, mental blocks. I’m awesome and I just need to get out of my own way and I will remind myself. I need to have it up somewhere so when I am feeling dippy, I throw those nonsense thoughts out. I need to not constantly expect perfect self-reliance, I will ask for help, be open to hearing others. 

I can’t wait for my next dip into Vancouver. I am also going to make it to Austin. One night only, appearing in your city - I’m a rock star. I could burst with how happy hanging with my So West Coasts makes me. I need to flip my mattress I wonder if that will help. I wonder if I combine 2 flat pillows in one pillow case if it will be the perfect thickness and firmness for me. I’d sure like to find something of the right thickness and firmness for me. Smirk. Laughing at typing smirk. 

I also love delicious cookies. I need to go buy sake and gather my sheez since I need to be out the door in an hour and would like to shower. I love free artsy magazines. For future reference, I feel the router for gene cafe is on the east side of the building as there aren’t too many people here with comps and my download speed is shite. I do want more homies. I need to do more camping, I’d like to go soon. I need to possee out.

I love downloading music - I wish I’d been there person to win $10000 from iTunes. Apple, I love your stuff. Now give it to me for free. 
People watching is awesome. If I ever have kids I am going to introduce them to as many things as possible so they don’t grow up thinking they need to be a doctor or lawyer or something similar - unless they want to - I’d love to say my kid is off studying pygmy mating rituals to learn how to decrease bullying in urban centers with at risk kids. Beat that. 

I should volunteer more, I do have the time. I just need to schedule it in.

Ain’t no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees... I got bills to pay I got mouths to feed. Ain’t nothing is this life for free.

My Craigslist-er beware story is a shame on me tale as I was dumb enough to buy off some low life, shitty hair cut sportin,g wanky teenager - who shook my hand! What kind of low life are you if you shake someone’s hand? That’s supposed to be a thing of honour. I mean, I know in business you can hate someone but you are bound by your word. Assuming you aren’t getting there by being a wretched fucking pissant. Such as the one that sold me that lemon. 

Okay, I am adult enough to recognize that I should have met him somewhere for more than 5 mins and tested it out. Caveat emptor right? I need to think of things I can make with whatever is in my fridge. I need to plan nights in. I need to do nothing Sunday for instance. I need to do planks and push ups and lunges in series before bed or when I wake up. 

I love hip hop. I hope that my iPod makes wise choices in what it leaves off since I have too much music now apparently. So you say. I need to do some weeding though, as I have added random blogged lists. My lilies are really bursting. 

These almonds are too salty, I wish I could stop eating them. I love snacks. I love this Kanye song, it makes no sense. Robocop. I love your sense of whimsy ‘Ye. This convinces me you compose when you’re high.  

I love Chuck Norris jokes and lilies. 

a haiku:

well that was random
sloth meme is my favourite
melty chocolate taste

xo

Driftin' on my own

I wish I could find more motivation to write. I found a Word document of random thoughts (no, I don't have any other kind. You're right) that I am currently copy/paste/editing for your pleasure. It shouldn't be difficult for me to do it on the daily. I love to getting something down to page as I feel/have been led to believe that I have a gift for language that inspires, encourages and amuses people. I see all the chick lit novels and think why don’t I just write one. Even an individual who is Dead To Me (too!, too!) felt I could do it. If another friend, who at least never espoused any great desire to write, is typing away, why am I not doing so as well? 

My head often feels like it is going to explode from the fencing match within. Protagonist wars with antagonist. A fencing match where every time a player sustains an injury it is my pain regardless. I wish the frenetic devil’s advocate conversation running like a ticker tape in my head would run out. In a case of be careful of what you wish for I guess, I should more accurately say that I want to be able to shut it off, slow it down? Or be able to realize it is not me and that separation is a muzzle. Anything to be aware and steady the hum that can keep me awake and throw my emotions into a roller coaster loop. I often feel that I am in a life raft during a black, angry storm and I can see the ship is sinking but I am too far to affect much change. Well, that's disempowering. Shit. And ew. I go back and forth on every subject and every subject is linked so I don’t know where there is an end, because there isn’t really one. You can’t run out of things to think. I haven't previously seemed to be able to centre myself enough to meditate so as to get so good at meditating that I am able to snap out of this pattern into calming down, assessing or reasoning. I am not a processor. How can I be the superlative in many ways, to many people yet live so shallow? How is it that I am in thrall with life but despise it. 

You may notice I say 'previously,' a lot. I believe language is powerful, I always did but now more so from a new perspective. I create who I am and what I do everyday, newly. My old habits are not me and not a definition. Can I get an AMEN!?! Are your hands in the air when you say that because if not, go back, do it again with FEELING! 

I like: George Michael - Father figure, my cat, itchy eyes that stop itching. 

I can’t wait to start marathon training, they're not kidding when they tell you it releases happy chemicals. My body is close to where I’d like it but clearly don’t want the discipline enough as there is still nothing in me that wants to resist certain temptations nor do I moderate. 

I need to give Mobb Deep, Ghostface and Tom Waits a couple serious listens to see if there are really gems in there or if I am holding onto music for sentimental reasons. Not that all music isn't sentimentality but not useful if it's just about holding onto something that is gone.  

What is the difference between holding on and cherishing? Hope and blindness? Am I on the right side or are the blinders on and this cart is going to the cliff? Short cliff of course, as life will move on but slow healing to knit bones. broken heart. 

It was the little things. Like how intently he stared when he was serious about his point or if he is gauging if he has gone too far with me. Everything made me tear up when thinking of a friend I lost. I am really, really into power ballads these days. Journey really, really takes it home. I heard that the new singer is a vocal doppelganger for the original singer which makes me want to wikipedia Journey and find out what happened to the original singer. 

Am I hiding things in my mind to bug me later or are they coming up in minor annoyances elsewhere but they have significant social camouflage? Or am I handling this and the craziness is a version of normal? Was counseling helping me? I didn’t feel totally in simpatico with her but I’m shaking off being a resister. I burned up the hill today - I wish I hadn’t conditioned myself to not recognize my accomplishments - I wish that I knew how much better I was at biking, how much fitter/thinner am I? 

I love Byron Lee concerts - they are a superlative time. I want to follow the leader. I will be better at weeding out stuff while packing to move (let go) and I hope that I am a super packer this time. I have to admit one of my weaknesses is timelines (coughintegritycough) in particular when it comes to packing, trouble letting go I guess. Making change?

Raspberry juice needs to be more diluted. I find most juices too sweet, goddamn glucose-fructose. 

I can’t wait for dinner. I love steak that has marinated for hours from the butcher down the street. I love having relationships with the people who make and/or produce my food. Ugh, the raspberry is too much. I need cold water. It will save my life. I love seeing the interplay between couples that have great communication/trust/respect/lust for one another - that sizzle is fucking amazing to witness. I like matchies. 

I don’t appreciate people who don’t get the left side / right side to escalators, who stop on the left side, stop randomly on the sidewalk - especially because it ends up being me who looks like the loon as I shake fists of rage and make incoherent noises. 

Interesting article in the Globe and Mail a while back on a guy who quit his job after having found out his dad had terminal cancer. I need to get out of my notion of job as security vs. method of creating from what inspires me. I am not happy there. I have been waging a debate in my mind of what makes me happy versus being responsible. I guess one could argue that ensuring your own happiness is being responsible to oneself. Possibly, my greatest problem has been that I do weigh other people’s need/opinions/situations in conjunction to mine to see whether or not I am making a good decision. The issue lies in, I take so long with this process that I end up having fate/outside life making the decision for me. My eternal struggle has been procrastination. It’s what has separated me from being the great person I could be. I procrastinate with everything and I totally recognize it’s to my detriment so what keeps me in this whack cycle? I should be the person who has touched the hot stove, got the memo and changed tactics. I am so lucky/blessed that things tend to work out in my favour and my ‘danger’ lurks below me but not yet enveloping me. It won’t go on like this forever. All I need are baby steps. I need a plan. I say these kind of progressive things to myself all the time and need to work backwards from the goal to see the steps. I know when I think this way I am ignoring all the good, positive, uplifting things in my life and the good that I contribute and wonder where this feeling of lacking stems from. 

My mom just got a new dog which is great for her and amazing since it’s via my dad’s impetuous and he really was anti-pet when previous dog died - which I understood as he’s allergic and has lived his entire life with pets. I just happened to make it mean since he’s lived his entire life with pets it didn’t seem like much to just keep going with the trend. I find it funny that he was the one that recommended sleeping downstairs with the dog so she wouldn’t cry. Bavi, what a cute name. 

I feel like I have something to get out - that I am moving towards something and I have always felt this way. From the time that my friend Alice did reiki on me, when I was 18, I have felt that I am on a path and I have always felt comfortable with that. Mildly curious but figured I was going to get there anyway so no point in stressing over it.

Fear is the invisible gunman in the room - not tangible, not taking action, just an idea. 

"I can't" tastes like blueberries. Nonsense. Thanks for lesson. 

I have run marathons, I have biked 250kms to raise money to fight cancer, I have moved across the country twice, I have built others back up when they have fallen, I have stood up with 5 amazing people at their weddings, I have been asked to be involved/responsible for children's lives. I am standing on accomplishments and I will be proud of them when I look back on my next achievements. 

You have done amazing things and touched amazing lives around you. There is a web between us. Same, same - not so different. 

a haiku

soldier on, uphill

nothing worth having comes without

a fight, victory

xo

Thank you in advance

Dear neighbours who own that atrociously loud, lowered station wagon. 

Aesthetically, I can get behind what you’ve done. I enjoy the blacker than black (none more black) tinting you’ve done to the passenger/driver windows. The grey on mauve paint, I genuinely dig. Your wine coloured velvet-y seats look inviting. However! The car alarm inducing engine/exhaust/noise maker you have on said station wagon is Anger-making and detracts from the urban beauty of your ride. 

Waking me up out of a sleep? That’s a loud car. I can sleep like the dead in the hours of midnight to 5 am. On account of being aware of such things as deductibles, paint jobs, etc and the fact that I really like my stuff and wouldn’t want anyone to damage it because of one douche-y move, I do not key your wagon. Know this however, it’s a spider web of gouges in my mind from the violence I do it. Mini Tarantino-esque vignettes, I relish in my imagination. I’m also standing on the hood, katana in hand, and to be honest I look like a Mortal Combat character - but that’s just an aside. 

My BFF and I have a particular way of speaking to each other (and then baring our teeth) I wonder if what appears to others is cute, interpersonal love language and then I laugh and realize, no one's judging. I enjoy the specialness I feel I generate with each of my friends as represented by nicknames, inside jokes, shared experience and things we just do with each other. As a wee'un, I always imagined my future adult friend group like this - having dinner parties and mixing individuals who possess elements I’d both like to emulate in myself and enjoy the differences in particular aspects we represent. I hope that the vision I have of myself, of which I think I have 75 % obtained, will be realized - Nay! Surpassed. I suppose we all do. 

Why does it take so long to get to epiphany? Every time I actually learn and put the knowledge into practice, I feel like an albatross falls from me. 

It really bothers me that 'Every time' isn’t one word. I always type it so and the red squiggly line of shame gets in the way of me expressing myself. Yet, I don’t want to incorrectly express myself through the word every time. Damn you hamster wheel of repeated mistakes! Also, damn you difficult ab exercises that make me achieving core strength/better posture so elusive. 

Whiskey - I really want to be able to savour you but you are potent and portent the bad things I am about to do. 

I much prefer boys with guitars over girls with guitars. I find GwG to be more often folky, sweet, high voiced - not always of course, just in what I have been exposed to thus far. Boys punch my hormone buttons so their baritones and subject matter make me happy. I don’t want too many songs of heartbreak/ache or I’m just moody which is lame. I do however, also love LCD Soundsystem - partially because JB likes them. I am often instantly and irrevocably swayed by others' fervor for artists and partially because they’re just good. Mostly good. My lack of attention means I spend a lot of time skipping....

I had my SAD lamp on today and I wonder if my plants appreciate it. I don’t need a linked consciousness or anything but if once in a while, other than slow as hell death or explosion of life, I could have just a little “Hey, too much!” or “We actually don’t like this so-called ‘plant food’ you keep foisting on us” would be appreciated. 

I keep getting videos/articles/first hand recounting on bullying and homophobia. I wish that it was easier to understand what place that comes from in people. I don't know how someone else’s sexuality/weight/looks etc. impacts my own. Where are we taught to segregate to the extent we don't in school? How is it that we start forming groups in elementary, get vindictive and snarly at the borders of those differences and then start to ease them up (in theory) in university/college/first jobs? Just the amount/variety of people we encounter?  I wish I could bring peace to the minds that are pushing other fears, banked experiences, insecurities or whatever and get that dealt with so people don't have the energy or inclination to pursue hate. It requires a lot of thought and energy to not like someone. Not that I love everyone - people can really bother the shit out of me but I find even if I don’t like someone it eases into apathy and disinterest since there is so much else going on. 

I do hate contacts that are blurry, have jalapeno juice hiding in them and/or are torn. Hate. No, maybe just really don’t like. I do love Kylie Minogue. Thanks Kylie, I was wandering down the dark side. Damn you Vadar. 

I can’t wait for me to be in a space (space having multiple contexts here) to have a dog. Although, Moubebe is as happy to see me as a dog is when I come home. Seldom does she remain in her drowsy curled up ways. 

Back to the do not like - chewing cuticles. And then they bleed their displeasure. I do love moisturizers with less than 15 ingredients and light scents. People, please read labels - not to potificate at length BUT Parabens, in all their formats will fuck you up. Please read up on them. 

Man, do I hope Hilary Clinton goes for President. I believe the U.S.A. is ready. I also believe she can be less divisive and turn the conversation back to how do we all get ahead? I love my dreams. 

I'm going to go discover something delicious to eat. Will it feature bacon?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

a haiku:

loud ceremony

by a power, babbling brook

I want a cocktail

xo

And the gospel was Amazeballs

I love great lyrics and how I can just let my mind relax while listening to music and let it take me on a tour of my own thoughts. I feel almost detached from my 'self' which I feel contributes to why I think I am really, really funny. It’s one thing I have come to embrace about myself. I will always laugh out loud (not LOL, please stop with that) spontaneously, and perplexingly I imagine to those around me, as I had tried normally in the past to maintain a stone wall facade betwixt me and the chatty Cathy’s this world seems to be littered with. 
I actually don’t mind whatever it is that compels people to make random conversation with me happen. It’s actually always an interesting story to tell. 
Really Randy, your mom didn’t deliver a package to you from your friend from out of town and your family doesn’t appreciate all you do? Phew, I’m glad I was at this bus shelter in a downpour so I’d have no where to go to. So Randy, I am assuming, due to our previous one-sided conversation as well as where in the Downtown Eastside we're standing, we’re talking about drugs right? (Judgey Wudgey! You know everything, do you?) 
Although, with the variety and lack of cohesiveness to anything previously pontificated on by you - you see my bright pink ear phones right? Don’t worry, I just like to have sound tracks to the monologues that need to orated in the voracious streets of Vancouver. What? Oh, you’re right I had stopped listening, but if you could only hear what was happening in my head you would totally agree it’s a more fun station to tune into. Back to you, you’re occasionally possessing of a certain perspicuity. I’ll keep that in mind and go back to the 'I’m listening' stare while keeping up the nodding and the raising of eyebrows. That means ‘Really, interesting notion’ in my world. Sigh, I am not being kind. I really should be nicer to people. You’re telling me about another done-you-wrong instance and you look to me for a response. 'That’s an interesting move,' I say, not wanting to encourage you while debating in my mind what does it hurt to chat civilly with the man? Then my other brain says it hurts the quality time with you, that you like and are entitled to have and I do my best thinking while walking to iPod on random. However, Randy, you probably just need an ear for 10 minutes and it will improve your day to have had someone listening. Except I’m not - back to you. Oh and the bus! Randy have a great evening, bye bye! 
I realize now that this scenario playing out thousands of times,  I was clinging to having no connection to those around me. That making fun of (in my crueler moments) to gently joking around, were to further me from you. I get now how limiting that is. Why wouldn't I want people to feel connected? Why would I limit opportunity to learn, experience, share? This stems from the fact that I have limited love in and out since I have barnacled to the theory that it is better to have never loved and never lost than to ever have loved at all. Crazytown. (thanks Mumma, for this face and open body language you have instilled in me that causes me to project a safe harbour aura to those around me)

I subscribe to Yoko Ono on Twitter and she posted a link to her installation, "Half-a-Room" and what she had to say about it really hit me between the eyes,


"What happened was that before I met John I was married to this person and we were not getting along too well. And one morning, I woke up and I saw that the other side of the bed was empty. Obviously, he did not come back at night. So, it's a very interesting thing ... that "half-empty" idea. So it's like half the bed is not there. Then I thought, OK, I should make all these objects that are half and the other half is not there. It's a symbolic thing in a way, and again there are many layers of interpretation that I immediately noticed and I loved. I told John about this "half" idea, and he immediately said, "Why don't you put the other half in bottles -- like, you know, in Alice in Wonderland?" I thought it was a great idea. His half was exhibited in a recent gallery show with my "Half a Room," but very sedately, in a back room. ... The very strange thing is, just like this "Half a Room" thing, my artwork affected my life and my life affected my artwork. I left the other half open and John filled it up. It's very symbolically interesting."


What am I creating space for? What is in my space? What do I want in there?

I love indie lists especially when they have a mix of things I recognize and like so I know that at least 50% should be gems. The deleting and weeding of iTunes is such a poke in the brown eye though. I should be drinking giants amounts of hot tea since I think a cold is at 8% in my body. More raw garlic. Ugh, uncomfortable heart squeeze. I wonder if it’s a vestige of my childhood heart murmur that I get that squeezy feeling around my heart. Or a mild heart attack. Imagine if I had them all the time and never knew? I’m pretty confident that would make me a good candidate for being the first bionic woman - logic behind this and subsequent logistics to be arranged at a later date. No, but I seriously need tea. I really love living alone - I do want to be living with a lover at some point, in the next 2yrs let’s say, but there needs to be a bit of time-shariness to our place. There is a different way you experience a space when you know you are the only one making the door open and close and that when you have that satifying mini-thud of a dead bolt sliding home, there’s sanctum. Except Moubebe, she doesn't count since she is cool wth me running the palce the way I want it - 60% of my actions being the cause of her her cushy life. If there are do-overs I want the next life to be pampered house cat. With a stoner chef. Also, cloning. I'd have several copies of Mouey do. In addition to others animals, obviously. 

I really enjoy the quote by Albert Camus ‘It was only in the depth of my winter that I realized within me lay an invincible summer’ I am INVINCIBLE!! Looking around my pad, that quote is on my fridge, I’ve grown so comfortable with the various skulls around my house I wonder if seeing a real one would no longer bother me? It is only the meaning I put on it after all. 

I love my piece of art “Bears and Berries” by Corrine Hunt. 

I got it for being an embodiment of the theme of a particular afternoon dedicated to Friends Helping Friends. Hey friends, keep repeating to yourself, Love only gets bigger if it is shared. And it is limitless. Until your cynical heart gets it. Might take a while, mine did. 

My beautiful art piece reminds me of the lovely, whole sunny, warm day moseying with Yuri that preceded it (Nice ‘hat’ Yuri! :) - you had to be there) and then the award for best representing the day and then the beach later on and the syrupy happiness that cocoons me for a few minutes of blissful recall. 

I want a beautiful flapper outfit and somewhere to wear it. I want feathers, and cute pumps, swishing long jet beaded necklaces and bright red lipstick. I want to drink absinthe and end up on a lounge chair on a beach, shoes kicked off. I also want a gorgeous man to carry me back to my bed for a snooze and a snog once I have waxed poetical about the sky to the soothing sounds of waves at low tide. 

Something else that is changing - I have felt as if I was on a (created only in my brainsicle) teeter-totter and pulled to either extreme with an unsettled feeling in my stomach as I heave myself from leaning too far either way. I don’t necessarily try and achieve balance though, as part of me likes the striving for sure-footedness, the goal of equilibrium, as part of me yearns to explore what comes from trying that out. The tiny little question mark of asking, 'Why do I fear the balance? What makes me think that that will be boring instead of just another way to (mentally) roll out?' That's right, friends! This flower is opening to everything. 

I wish I had a cup thermometer to a) figure out what my favourite 5 deg range of warmth is for tea drinking and b) always drink it that way. I'd also use it in the bathtub. With Epsom salts and lavender oil. 

Here's a tip from me to you, wisdom - Try saying HOORAY!! a couple times in your day. I promise it will change the scope of unbridled joy. Also, I simply cannot hammer home the point enough that high fives - integral to feeling JAZZED. Don't be scurred. Feeling jazzed is sublime. 

a haiku:

What is love, Baby?
Celebrate feeling sublime
Sparkles in the air

xo

If you're out there

This song is one of my touchstones. 'Be the change you want to see' 

This particularly is in my face as I have been full of anger in regards to the Steubenville rape case. I wanted to castrate the perpetrators and the people supporting them. 
However, what I am actually committed to is there being no rape. Ever. That doesn't happen being full of hate and causing harm to others, regardless of how wrong I think they are. It's a matter of changing conversations. Who didn't share love with the perpetrators earlier and so they actually went through with these actions? How do young men around me whom I love and think the world of think it's funny to joke/shame about a woman's sexuality and her dress? I'd like to change the conversation of us vs them, aggressor vs victim to community with communication. What would you like? Why not dream big? Why limit and say that's the way it is or will be? Create anew. It's not just something some people do - it's what we are all capable of. 

You know what's under appreciated? Physical touch - I know, weird segue after rape but honestly do you get hugged enough? Do kids in orphanages and adults in rehab? I don't mean to be Debbie Downer but I think I have shied away from touching people since I was worried it would be unwelcome/thought of as weird. F'sho I would make sure I was getting a yes vibe from another person or asked permission but I am into hugging people. I'm also going to walk around less with my iPod in as much as music is as important to me as water I am cutting myself off from people. Don't bother me, mind your own business, no touchy. 
Bupkis - there is no zero sum. My wins are not lesser if you win too. I don't need you to lose for us all to get ahead. It makes everything exponential. I have more resources and opportunities since my friends are getting more out of life. 

I think of all the times my abs have hurt from laughing with friends. The inside jokes between my homies. My mom stroking my hair when I have been sick, been hurt or discouraged. There's love. I wanna push it out until it touches everyone. I'm so tired of saying what the FUCK! at human behaviour. Sure, evil exists! I dimiss that as something that determines the future or what we are capable of changing. 

I am actually getting tension in my shoulders from geting riled up. 

Ah Youtube - providing unexpected gems. Remember 'Land Before Time'? Shit, I cried right through this movie. This basically made me cling to my mom and worry about the environment. Kids movies - the genius ones get me every time. You know what I love about movie theatres? They're dark and loud so no one can see Weepy McGee in full force. I watched The Impossible. Cried throughout that one with random bursts of hysterical laughter as my BFF and I would catch a sight of each other's mangled, puffy faces from the sobbing. 

I'm dialing this back. I love Craig Ferguson, I need to go see his show one of the next times I am in NYC. I also have a deep lub-dub in my heart for Neil Patrick Harris. Goddamn, funny men together makes my self high five myself. 

I was in a class this weekend and we were encouraged to tell an embarrassing story. I'ma share mine with you since I don't want you to go away disempowered and sad about the state of things. We're gonna make magic happen and people explode with happiness, I promise. 

So anyways - my grandparents were thinking of getting a cottage around the time I was 8 years old. I don't remember ever being a germaphobe as a youth and I am certainly a champion of the 5 second rule today. I feel cleanish is often as good as clean. And so - we are on a 6 hour journey to an oasis of untouched nature equipped with a cabin, so there was a little touching. Halfway through the roadtrip we stop off at a campsite/park to have some lunch. After victual ingestion, I need to use the facilities. Turns out the facilities are not so well kept outhouses. I don't remember seeing outhouses before this age. When I realize what's going on - a giant shithole - and see the giant black flies coming out of it I give it the old hellz no and decide to take care of nature in nature. I wander off to the "forest" and start wandering through the bushes, looking down being careful to separate the thorny branches from tearing my tender skin asunder. Eventually, the "forest" has a "clearing" and so I get down to business. I am exhaling the deep satisfaction of a load being dropped when I hear a curious rumble. It is only at this point that I actually raise my gaze past my toes. Is...that a gravel road? Is the thought forming just as a maroon 1985 Dodge Caravan glides into sight. I am in the line of sight of a Boy Scout troupe. 5 little faces pressed up against the window and what thought happens to occur is - 'If I don't move, maybe they'll think I'm a statue.' 

Yep, always been this classy. 

a haiku:

high fives are magic
won't you cuddle puddle too?
groove is in the heart

xo

JEM (tm) is my spirit animal

How is it possible this show only ran for 3 years? I'm pretty confident it was a major contributor to my development? I think I had a work out ribbon too - oh wait, that's get in shape girl.
True story - some douchenozzle stepped on my 'exercise ribbon' thus tearing it from its secure plastic loop/jazzy wand and so with my usual emotional control wailed like it was Armageddon. My 6 year old brother heard my plaintive cry, sussed out my complaint and went and punched the offender!! High fives for Team S!! It truly was a shame, I felt really graceful and artistic twirling that ribbon. I wonder if ebay has them...

Anyhoo, Jem. Spirit Animal. I'm going to need everything for this in 7 months for Halloween. The second best day of the year.

Brillz!! I, too, will be truly outrageous. Not that this really differs from every single day of the year but a pink wig does jack up your personal sartorial statement several notches. Jerrica (yeah...that name...) was ok but Jem was everything I imagined I would one day be. Which I am - to an extent but I am at 84% magic. I'll be 100% soon. I don't mean that as a put down to myself, let's not kid ourselves. I am more magic than most. Partially because I am irreverent (in my mind) and partially because I'm currently in action.

I am awaiting a video showing the speech I gave at my best friend's wedding but if you need a preview just watch this. I may have posted it before but it's just so great. Who couldn't use a pep talk. I am a professional pep-upper. That made me think of fluffer so lemme clarify I have no ties to the porn industry (yet)

I can(not) wait for summer. I love the smell of sun warmed skin, I love my sun dresses, I love road trips with playlists I have mused and dreamt over. I love that I will experience warmth in my beloved province from May through October. I will dangle my toes in water with seaweed - but not swim, that shit's gross. It feels like fish are coming for me like the Birds. Only slimy. And not fried with dill and lemon butter. mmmmm.

I wonder how I would do in a survival situation? Could I make shelter and start catching things to eat? How long do I last? Should I be taking a course? I basically am picturing Tom Hanks body in Castaway with my face and boobs talking to a volleyball. Scrub that, I do not look good with TH's body. Give me Kate Upton's body instead. Awwwww-yeeeaahhhh. Do not get me wrong I am pro deep-dickin as much as the next broad - who's into dicks - but I canNOT look away when Ms. Upton moves, it's hypnotic! Also, instead of a volleyball, I hope Moubebe is with me. She's ninja at catching things. Hopefully she will bring me something other than large beetles. Although, I hear they are nutritious. I wonder if I should be researching edible beetles? Also, moonshine. If I am in a survival situation I am going to need some special sauce. I have been watching a hillbilly show on TLC so I think I can get that one accomplished. Or recognize a hillbilly with skills.

If you aren't watching Duck Dynasty, you are truly missing out. I'm serious. Si is the best.

I also like to re-post my favourite songs until they are my friends' favourite songs. check out the rest of Kae Sun's songs when you're done with this.

a haiku

Go find the magic.
Inside you, out in the world
smells like teen spirit.

xo

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

Snacks are the best. I like anything in small portions that I will then eat a meal's worth of but while playing pretend (I'm a moderate!) with yourself. I've eaten wheels of brie this way. I was in denial for a while (poet!) but sometimes you have to take the blinders off. I hope for the weight cheese has helped me to host I am, in fact, enjoying bones that are like titanium. I did sing that to myself David Guetta style. Only off key as myself and junk yard dogs shre the same musicality. I'm cool with it. Different gifts for different people.

Not to say I wouldn't love to crack off a tune like Queen Bey but alas, such is life.

I have been staring at pictures of the Maldvies. Stunning. I want to go. I WILL go. With as little environmental impact as possible. I drank a coffee mixed with whtie hot chocolate from a machine (I know) and I am JACKED! JACKED!, I tell you. Zing! says my brain. Which is shortly to be followed by splat. Thus starts the caffeine cycle. Which tells me I need water.

You know what is crazy behaviour? I read everyday tips and tricks for doing exercises (planking, I need to fall in love with that) and I might as well be reading up on brain surgery for all that it gets put into action. I should be Hulkamania if the reading translated into action. I need to put up pictures of myself in a bikini and then someone from the Olympic volleyball or rugby team and say anything they can do, you can do better. You can do anything better than them. Yes you can! Ditties. I love'em.
Or gifs of Tom Hardy blowing me kisses. Thanks Tom Hardy. You mancandy, you. I love mancandy.

I need to take a knife skills class. Partially I hope this opens up an opportunity for me to take down the terrorists Steven Seagal style but mostly I hope I remain a 10 digit-ed individual. I like my digits. I also need something sharper than Canadian Tire knives. No offense, C-Tire, you do good work. Thanks for the raspberry gingerale.

I wish I could take my cat everywhere, she's a charmer. (YOU'RE a charmer) and I like singing to her. Non-Beyoncé style. Moubebe would cast Bey shade, she's a mistrustful wench. The cat, not Beyoncé - although, that could have changed now that she and Hova have been hacked according to our friends at TMZ.com

You know when you discover you have sat in chocolate andhave been unwittingly walking around looking like you have a real bathroom maintenance problem. Poo stain! on my dress! In an office! Quel horreur! Now I am scraping frantically at it which is making it WORSE!! See Jerry Seinfeld for the Dry Cleaning joke I would insert here. He's not wrong.

I never got into Seinfeld - maybe I'll Netflix that shiz up. I did see his special 'I'm telling you for the last time," funny as hell. Also, his 'Comedians in Cars getting Coffee' - gold, Jerry, gold. I wish I could sit around - fly on the wall styles - and listen to comedians tell each other jokes. That'd be amazeballs.

I'm going to find a way to be paid for just being fun to hang out with. That's my skill, I make people happy. Sussing out to be done immediately.

a haiku:

I'm so dynamite
I love eating pork cracklin
while doing planking

xo