I don't know why anyone has trouble pronouncing things. (Actual speech impediments or hearing concerns etc aside) I hearken to Uzo Aduba who tried to mess with her name when she was young and her mom was like, If they can say Michaelangelo and Dostoyevsky, they can pronounce your name. Which a) Moms are almost always right and b) I take a moment to be uncomfortable and make the other person uncomfortable (possibly) to be like, okay say it to me like it's the 7th time. But then I repeat it until they're like that's it so I put some respect on your name!
Words are random configurations of letters and our language barely resembles that of 50 or 100 years ago which I think is so exciting! I love making up words! And learning new ones. My brain is such that I get excited about intaking new information, I want to know all the things. Mom shout outs again, I def get that curiosity for language from my mama.
I love Korean face masks but I do not have the current version figured out. Like for sure the top loops are ear holes but the bottom loops I don't know? so they hanging like ghost balls off my chin. Omigod also around my ears. Genius.
I am making two simultaneous meals so as not to have to cook for a min of three days because it's just 2000x easier. Also, I constantly feel the need for a new batch of bone broth, I'm around people all the time and I believe in its' power. My favourite tea combination is sage, cinnamon, cloves, fenugreek and mint I godamn love it.
My life has real fullness, I drink deeply from the abundance my life spills forward. If I could spin a higher motivation into the couple things dragging me down, I'd honestly have it all. I mean, life doesn't show up that way and a different struggle would emerge but, kanye shrug. I am typing currently at my stand up desk and each step towards healthier, hotter me is rewarding. I also look good today wearing my fav black dress that gets me lookiloos and door held open. I love that shit.
Kindness and courtesy are real turn ons. I told my boss I was 32% percent healthier since standing up and he laughed. In that I think most of the things that come out of my mouth are unexpected and frankly, gifts to humanity. I don't know if that's how it occurs for him but I'ma lean into until proven.
I was just caught vigorously pawing at my tits but cat hair is tenacious! And why couldn't they swing by in the few minutes I had been using a sticky roller like a civilized person? I have an event to go to after this and frankly, no one's a thirst trap looking like they don't give a shit and I do. At least right now. That being said, if I could take Deathspike with me everywhere on a diamante leash (googling diamante leashes - oh. At work that was not a bright idea....still ...not a bad idea)
I'd also have to drug him. I was feeding him cbd drops while I had some. He would literally put his paws on my chest and try and get between my mouth and the dropper and whilst I am a crazy cat lady AND love making out, that's too far over the icknast line for me. Just.
A standing desk is changing my life - I am dancing all day.
I also have been out M/W/F and I need to go to bed before midnight and that gives me currently 36 minutes and I still need to do a couple things. Can someone come over and give me a massage until I fall asleep? Bueller?
a haiku:
that feels really good
I do want more pressure, Sir
reciprocity
xo
A
Thursday, 23 August 2018
Monday, 20 August 2018
Skin covered with an ego
It's like sugar, so sweet. Good enough to eat. I'm alone again in the office, so obviously the devil's plaything.
I'm ovulating like a MF so am sitting here horny as shit. Sweet, sweet hormones having their capricious way with me. I'd take care of this myself but the bathroom is a hot bed of activity and the solo bathroom is right outside IT which is fine but I think they might be aware if I was in there for 10 minutes. Kidding 4, I can be focused.
My last stroke just went viral. There's levels to it.
Spotify radio is a source of pure joy for me these days, honestly ecstatic that there is always gorgeous tracks being produced and waiting to be discovered by me. The only time I'm sad is when it's a good track but features someone I've canceled for myself then it's a bit ruh-roh but there's too much out there to look back.
I love watching people from up on high. I could watch Toronto move from my boss' office all day. But then I'd be fired and it'd be awkward. I did just watch people not at all get out of the way of a sirens blaring cop car. On one hand, it's the start of rush hour on University just above the Gardiner exit - which, legit, she busy - on the other, as a non-driver, on-high observer, Y'all could have tried a little more. There was no effort to move out of the way. On one hand FTP, on the other they could be on some life-saving shit! I HOPE they move with alacrity should I need assistance in the future.
Then again, I listen to certain tracks and I'm riled up. Hence, making myself a Calm the Fuck down playlist. temet nosce, amirite? I bought myself new makeup today. The happiest feelies. I simply cannot stop buying red lip gloss. I love red lips.
Again, as a non driver, I LOVE watching cars get stranded after being goofy. BRO! OB-viously don't enter the intersection when the countdown is 10> you dumb asshole. I'm glad the denizens of Toronto are like a bitchy hive around you. I can see the cut eye from the 12th floor. Unless you are borrowing a car from someone with Ontario license plates (again, shout out to lazer eye surgery. It's the tits.) and you're a fresh MF tourist, you know better. I tend to slide into bitchy poussay mode of I'ma stretch out this moment of your foolishness and consequent discomfort. I got nowhere to be but right in front of you. I mean, 32% of the time. 68% I am in a hurry, listening to a great track, just full of the Lord's random sunshine or blissfully unaware. Trying to be a more aware person in these streets though. Oh man, I mean - yes - but Toronto for a white woman is pretty safe. Not suggesting like, test the boundaries (keep common sense alive) but compared to almost anywhere else in the world, I'm not anxious about it.
I honestly do not love tequila but I started off with one song with that as the title and I am now on number four which is a cocaine, humidity, raving influenced track and I'm here for it.
Honestly, in my top 5 patronus' would be a squirrel as I simply cahnt maintain focus on tasks. There's so many things! I was getting ice but this song sucks but then I need to check the potential next 10 but what about the cat and I was making an appetizer I Should cut the garlic and also I wanted t0 text someone to pick up chives but I also need to put another roll of tp in the washroom while I shimmy to this jam. What was I doing? Ice! Shout out to Ribs for being the best BEST! clutch player and coming over to all my dinner parties to do 69% of the cooking. Also, for being my absolute favourite concert team mate. Another firefly memory is us at the National and the perpetual arms around shoulders swaying but in particular during their gorgeous acoustic encore where they all stood on the egde of the stage. Man, there are overwhelmingly large swaths of joy across my life story. It really buoys me during the darkish times. Also Ribs, let's me somewhere on this blue ball for a concert. But like, an event.
I've never bungee jumped. I'm quite surprised by this. I do turn 39 in a month.
I still love a mashup, I'm saying it outloud.
What a wicked game to do, to make me dream of you.
I am leaving at Noon today (just imagine I inserted a roadrunner gif because I'm not going to)
Addendum!!
I did leave at Noon and let me tell you my weekend was a dream. It finally quashed the longing for Vancouver that had been infecting my soul. I splashed in puddles (pied piper'd kids into joining me)
went and saw Crazy Rich Asians which was SO GOOD! I CRIED, I LAUGHED, I CRIED AGAIN! I HIGH FIVED STRANGERS! Saw my cousin J-Do who is the only person on this gorgeous blue and green ball who can tell me what to do and I won't immediately become a tequila-infused Donkey with a soul burning with No. I went to the Island on Saturday as they apparently Air BnB that shit up and my fav duo, Lawa and I-Agree, graciously invited me to revel in their good fortune for the day. The beach couldn't have been nicer and unpopulated and since I forgot my bathing suit and went in a nude strapless bra and a scrap of lace, I was happy about it. The waves were a joyous workout and we laughed and laughed. Sigh. That was really happy. Sunday was joining a friend at Canada's Wonderland and I fucking forgot how much joy I swell up with there. I bought a 2019 pass. Will go in evenings and rainy days and get the gd fastpass. Leviathan will be feeling my ass multiple times in the upcoming year. I love doing all the things.
a haiku:
Want to fall in love
hearts lobbing joy back and forth
more body friction
xo
A
I'm ovulating like a MF so am sitting here horny as shit. Sweet, sweet hormones having their capricious way with me. I'd take care of this myself but the bathroom is a hot bed of activity and the solo bathroom is right outside IT which is fine but I think they might be aware if I was in there for 10 minutes. Kidding 4, I can be focused.
My last stroke just went viral. There's levels to it.
Spotify radio is a source of pure joy for me these days, honestly ecstatic that there is always gorgeous tracks being produced and waiting to be discovered by me. The only time I'm sad is when it's a good track but features someone I've canceled for myself then it's a bit ruh-roh but there's too much out there to look back.
I love watching people from up on high. I could watch Toronto move from my boss' office all day. But then I'd be fired and it'd be awkward. I did just watch people not at all get out of the way of a sirens blaring cop car. On one hand, it's the start of rush hour on University just above the Gardiner exit - which, legit, she busy - on the other, as a non-driver, on-high observer, Y'all could have tried a little more. There was no effort to move out of the way. On one hand FTP, on the other they could be on some life-saving shit! I HOPE they move with alacrity should I need assistance in the future.
Then again, I listen to certain tracks and I'm riled up. Hence, making myself a Calm the Fuck down playlist. temet nosce, amirite? I bought myself new makeup today. The happiest feelies. I simply cannot stop buying red lip gloss. I love red lips.
Again, as a non driver, I LOVE watching cars get stranded after being goofy. BRO! OB-viously don't enter the intersection when the countdown is 10> you dumb asshole. I'm glad the denizens of Toronto are like a bitchy hive around you. I can see the cut eye from the 12th floor. Unless you are borrowing a car from someone with Ontario license plates (again, shout out to lazer eye surgery. It's the tits.) and you're a fresh MF tourist, you know better. I tend to slide into bitchy poussay mode of I'ma stretch out this moment of your foolishness and consequent discomfort. I got nowhere to be but right in front of you. I mean, 32% of the time. 68% I am in a hurry, listening to a great track, just full of the Lord's random sunshine or blissfully unaware. Trying to be a more aware person in these streets though. Oh man, I mean - yes - but Toronto for a white woman is pretty safe. Not suggesting like, test the boundaries (keep common sense alive) but compared to almost anywhere else in the world, I'm not anxious about it.
I honestly do not love tequila but I started off with one song with that as the title and I am now on number four which is a cocaine, humidity, raving influenced track and I'm here for it.
Honestly, in my top 5 patronus' would be a squirrel as I simply cahnt maintain focus on tasks. There's so many things! I was getting ice but this song sucks but then I need to check the potential next 10 but what about the cat and I was making an appetizer I Should cut the garlic and also I wanted t0 text someone to pick up chives but I also need to put another roll of tp in the washroom while I shimmy to this jam. What was I doing? Ice! Shout out to Ribs for being the best BEST! clutch player and coming over to all my dinner parties to do 69% of the cooking. Also, for being my absolute favourite concert team mate. Another firefly memory is us at the National and the perpetual arms around shoulders swaying but in particular during their gorgeous acoustic encore where they all stood on the egde of the stage. Man, there are overwhelmingly large swaths of joy across my life story. It really buoys me during the darkish times. Also Ribs, let's me somewhere on this blue ball for a concert. But like, an event.
I've never bungee jumped. I'm quite surprised by this. I do turn 39 in a month.
I still love a mashup, I'm saying it outloud.
What a wicked game to do, to make me dream of you.
I am leaving at Noon today (just imagine I inserted a roadrunner gif because I'm not going to)
Addendum!!
I did leave at Noon and let me tell you my weekend was a dream. It finally quashed the longing for Vancouver that had been infecting my soul. I splashed in puddles (pied piper'd kids into joining me)
went and saw Crazy Rich Asians which was SO GOOD! I CRIED, I LAUGHED, I CRIED AGAIN! I HIGH FIVED STRANGERS! Saw my cousin J-Do who is the only person on this gorgeous blue and green ball who can tell me what to do and I won't immediately become a tequila-infused Donkey with a soul burning with No. I went to the Island on Saturday as they apparently Air BnB that shit up and my fav duo, Lawa and I-Agree, graciously invited me to revel in their good fortune for the day. The beach couldn't have been nicer and unpopulated and since I forgot my bathing suit and went in a nude strapless bra and a scrap of lace, I was happy about it. The waves were a joyous workout and we laughed and laughed. Sigh. That was really happy. Sunday was joining a friend at Canada's Wonderland and I fucking forgot how much joy I swell up with there. I bought a 2019 pass. Will go in evenings and rainy days and get the gd fastpass. Leviathan will be feeling my ass multiple times in the upcoming year. I love doing all the things.
a haiku:
Want to fall in love
hearts lobbing joy back and forth
more body friction
xo
A
Sunday, 12 August 2018
An Ode to CMB
We're in Banff in a hot tub strangely unpopulated. Obviously we have bought craft gin and we have drank, a lot of it. We are screaming with laughter, feeling our feelings, hyping each other's greatness up and looking forward to dinner. We've enjoyed a road trip where I have sung terribly, CMB belting it out like the GD rockstar she is. This is a firefly memory, it glows within me each time I recall.
We drove to Nipissing Uni in the dead of night, no recollection why so late, and she was breaking up with her first/only boyfriend. I stayed silent each time we drifted close to the curved cement medians on the way to North Bay as she's crying and yelling. Except when she did almost murder us. I murmured her name so as not to redirect the anger. We later slurped home made Portugese wine off a table when a glass was knocked over.
I'm playing our current favourite Kylie Minogue song as we sail over the Cambie street bridge watching the sun come up as we head into work. This is the second time we have worked together, both times were the best. The second time we were living together, working and sharing the same friend group and activities so were side by side 98% of the time. Barely had any dust ups. Referenced previously, this would be where I had been taking care of a friend of ours and in a burnt out moment, went walking in the rain not answering my phone until I got to our back door which was flung open and arms grabbed me into a hug. I trust very little and no one 100% but I do trust that those arms will be reaching for me in joy and sorrow forever.
I was her wingman when she started dating her second gf, as we were plunged into a group of Masters of Architecture cohort where we lowly mid BA babies were a little intimidated (they had traveled! Ate avocados all the time! Were cosmopolitan and discussed philosophy because it applied and not off a bookmark!) I once drove home the white (lincoln continental? I'm bad with cars but it was fucking massive, the front seat was bench that could fit 4 people) land-whale car when I def should not have been behind a wheel for the secondary reason of having no driver's license so they could have an argument. ( I have been in so many mom and dad are fighting in front of me situations. No matter how much you wish it, you can't turn inside out nor wish your ears into not hearing) I think I scrapped a front corner of the car but I threw that bitch in park and fled home like a thief in the night.
When we lived on Mary St., one time a dude came to the door at some ungodly hour and banged the shit out of our glass front door. I eventually shuffled my evening visitor off me (thanks for the help, bro) and threw on a tank top, flung open my door full of the Lord's righteous indignation and saw several pairs of eyes staring back at me as I stomp down the stairs growing increasingly incensed at both my fun time being interrupted and me being the only person out of 5 in the house to make a move. A dude the size of a sumo wrestler, weaving drunk was looking for a broad that did not live there and it took me a solid four minutes of, you've got the wrong house bro/but I'm looking for Lady X before sumo shuffled off into the dark night. When I got back upstairs, you shouldn't have gone! who knows who it could have been! and what would we have done about the broken glass door? I am seldom the dom in the situation but fuck you if I get mad. We also had a bat in this house. I woke up to a disturbance in the force which was my naked BFF flying from her room to mine in an attempt to get me to do something. Shan't was the reply so we double naked rolled across the hall to try and make L do something about it. None of us were masters of nature nor fearless. But we were excellent as skipping M/W/F's 8:30 am class to go to Ground Zero for cheap breakfast. We also almost burnt the neighbourhood to the ground for NYE and I bum rushed someone who had fallen on our stairs from our attic (which were legit an illegal hazard) breaking a stair with her back out of our house chanting you're trespassing. #heartofgold #blessed.
Our last year of university was the year of 9/11. I had drank a bottle of whisky in honour of my dad's birthday with my roommate Jeff (shout out to Rheffai) and showed up to my 8:30 am English class with a hat on my head as the state I was in made the suggestion of resting my hat bill on the desk and not my actual head would fool the teacher into thinking I was awake. A previous dorm mate was sitting next to me and whispered the situation to me when I asked her in what I thought was an inside voice (twasn't) what the teacher was fucking talking about. Oh. Said teacher dismissed the class being a dual citizen and having friends and family in NYC and wanting to go find out who was safe. Still being in a haze, I just walked in a random direction as my brain tried to make sense of the day's events, still brand new at that time with a lot not yet known, and I tried to figure out if classes were still happening or I should take my messy ass home. I ended up at the SLC somehow and as I entered the building, which was the main student hub/resource building for everything not academic and hundreds of people are occupying at all hours of every day. I look up and see her. I walk to her and she bursts out with have you seen? This is terrifying. We go to one break out room we pass with a dozen student crowded around a 70s tv. I see the planes and towers for the first time and this is one of the first time my life bubble gets cracked and I am aware enough to process. We go to the pub in the SLC, in the moment ironically named Bomb Shelter, and say fuck it 10 am is the time to start drinking on this day. We ask for a couple pints of Keiths and the bartender says just a few minutes/changing kegs so we go to the back patio. We see a couple friends as they cross campus and all of us are bewildered. The bartender comes out a few minutes later with bottle instead apologizing for the delay. Time is a construct and we are just talking about how could this happen? How do people move on where this kind of thing is commonplace which had previously been too far out of our scope of thought and experience. The bartender brings out second bottles and more apologies even though the idea of pint feels abstract. We listen to R.E.M. (all the irony) and eventually get the requested pints. We later went home (or to the Architects?) and made a huge dinner and called all our families to say we love them. I know I'll always find her or her me and sometimes, keeping on the booze train is the way to stay afloat.
I have a million 'remember the time?...' that I could wax on about but, in summation, I am old enough now to know friendships like these are not common nor easy. The time we almost drifted apart and the fights I'm sure we had but don't really remember are markers of time and how high the joys remain. She makes me feel like I am truly special, that we will be cheersing in the future to all we have seen, done and enjoyed. Sitting peaceably in the truth of hard times. Still finding each other hilarious, being a cheerleader for all their goals and dreams and saying 'can you believe?...'.
I hope we live in the same town again one day as it's our favourite to do every day, mundane things but always together.
You make my life better. You stop crying.
a haiku:
We morning swimming?
Camping, Marathon danger
cuddle while asleep
Love you forever.
xo
A
We drove to Nipissing Uni in the dead of night, no recollection why so late, and she was breaking up with her first/only boyfriend. I stayed silent each time we drifted close to the curved cement medians on the way to North Bay as she's crying and yelling. Except when she did almost murder us. I murmured her name so as not to redirect the anger. We later slurped home made Portugese wine off a table when a glass was knocked over.
I'm playing our current favourite Kylie Minogue song as we sail over the Cambie street bridge watching the sun come up as we head into work. This is the second time we have worked together, both times were the best. The second time we were living together, working and sharing the same friend group and activities so were side by side 98% of the time. Barely had any dust ups. Referenced previously, this would be where I had been taking care of a friend of ours and in a burnt out moment, went walking in the rain not answering my phone until I got to our back door which was flung open and arms grabbed me into a hug. I trust very little and no one 100% but I do trust that those arms will be reaching for me in joy and sorrow forever.
I was her wingman when she started dating her second gf, as we were plunged into a group of Masters of Architecture cohort where we lowly mid BA babies were a little intimidated (they had traveled! Ate avocados all the time! Were cosmopolitan and discussed philosophy because it applied and not off a bookmark!) I once drove home the white (lincoln continental? I'm bad with cars but it was fucking massive, the front seat was bench that could fit 4 people) land-whale car when I def should not have been behind a wheel for the secondary reason of having no driver's license so they could have an argument. ( I have been in so many mom and dad are fighting in front of me situations. No matter how much you wish it, you can't turn inside out nor wish your ears into not hearing) I think I scrapped a front corner of the car but I threw that bitch in park and fled home like a thief in the night.
When we lived on Mary St., one time a dude came to the door at some ungodly hour and banged the shit out of our glass front door. I eventually shuffled my evening visitor off me (thanks for the help, bro) and threw on a tank top, flung open my door full of the Lord's righteous indignation and saw several pairs of eyes staring back at me as I stomp down the stairs growing increasingly incensed at both my fun time being interrupted and me being the only person out of 5 in the house to make a move. A dude the size of a sumo wrestler, weaving drunk was looking for a broad that did not live there and it took me a solid four minutes of, you've got the wrong house bro/but I'm looking for Lady X before sumo shuffled off into the dark night. When I got back upstairs, you shouldn't have gone! who knows who it could have been! and what would we have done about the broken glass door? I am seldom the dom in the situation but fuck you if I get mad. We also had a bat in this house. I woke up to a disturbance in the force which was my naked BFF flying from her room to mine in an attempt to get me to do something. Shan't was the reply so we double naked rolled across the hall to try and make L do something about it. None of us were masters of nature nor fearless. But we were excellent as skipping M/W/F's 8:30 am class to go to Ground Zero for cheap breakfast. We also almost burnt the neighbourhood to the ground for NYE and I bum rushed someone who had fallen on our stairs from our attic (which were legit an illegal hazard) breaking a stair with her back out of our house chanting you're trespassing. #heartofgold #blessed.
Our last year of university was the year of 9/11. I had drank a bottle of whisky in honour of my dad's birthday with my roommate Jeff (shout out to Rheffai) and showed up to my 8:30 am English class with a hat on my head as the state I was in made the suggestion of resting my hat bill on the desk and not my actual head would fool the teacher into thinking I was awake. A previous dorm mate was sitting next to me and whispered the situation to me when I asked her in what I thought was an inside voice (twasn't) what the teacher was fucking talking about. Oh. Said teacher dismissed the class being a dual citizen and having friends and family in NYC and wanting to go find out who was safe. Still being in a haze, I just walked in a random direction as my brain tried to make sense of the day's events, still brand new at that time with a lot not yet known, and I tried to figure out if classes were still happening or I should take my messy ass home. I ended up at the SLC somehow and as I entered the building, which was the main student hub/resource building for everything not academic and hundreds of people are occupying at all hours of every day. I look up and see her. I walk to her and she bursts out with have you seen? This is terrifying. We go to one break out room we pass with a dozen student crowded around a 70s tv. I see the planes and towers for the first time and this is one of the first time my life bubble gets cracked and I am aware enough to process. We go to the pub in the SLC, in the moment ironically named Bomb Shelter, and say fuck it 10 am is the time to start drinking on this day. We ask for a couple pints of Keiths and the bartender says just a few minutes/changing kegs so we go to the back patio. We see a couple friends as they cross campus and all of us are bewildered. The bartender comes out a few minutes later with bottle instead apologizing for the delay. Time is a construct and we are just talking about how could this happen? How do people move on where this kind of thing is commonplace which had previously been too far out of our scope of thought and experience. The bartender brings out second bottles and more apologies even though the idea of pint feels abstract. We listen to R.E.M. (all the irony) and eventually get the requested pints. We later went home (or to the Architects?) and made a huge dinner and called all our families to say we love them. I know I'll always find her or her me and sometimes, keeping on the booze train is the way to stay afloat.
I have a million 'remember the time?...' that I could wax on about but, in summation, I am old enough now to know friendships like these are not common nor easy. The time we almost drifted apart and the fights I'm sure we had but don't really remember are markers of time and how high the joys remain. She makes me feel like I am truly special, that we will be cheersing in the future to all we have seen, done and enjoyed. Sitting peaceably in the truth of hard times. Still finding each other hilarious, being a cheerleader for all their goals and dreams and saying 'can you believe?...'.
I hope we live in the same town again one day as it's our favourite to do every day, mundane things but always together.
You make my life better. You stop crying.
a haiku:
We morning swimming?
Camping, Marathon danger
cuddle while asleep
Love you forever.
xo
A
I love you, Shiny
Things that drive me insane:
People who stand on escalators, they're stairs just keep going
Feets on seats - unless you are in your living space which you clean.
The sound of a cat barfing inside my sleeping hours.
Repeating for the third time.
Not taking your backpack off in crowded areas.
Thinking there was a particular grocery item at home so you don't pick it up while you're in the store to learn you're wrong as hell.
Finding someone cute and learning they are 16 years younger than you (no specifics)
Furniture that moves in front of your toes in the dark.
People who suddenly discover the menu when standing in front of the cash register after a long slow-ass line-up.
White people not seeing their privilege (including me)
Gum on railings.
Food poisoning.
Doorways that cause memory loss.
Eating past the point of fullness. Everyday.
Amongst others depending on the point in my menstrual cycle and/or duration on public transit.
I have let many months between those words and these lapse. No one knows why I don't keep this up. I probably think enough for a few people's conversation. Then again I just spaced out for the last song and sometimes two things at once is a thing. One deserves sole focus, devotion. Honestly the 90s is brought to you by Puff Daddy. God bless that guy. Busta Rhyme is under-utilized as hype music. I feel like tearing shit up when I hear his growl.
Again months have passed between the last passage of remembrance and now. I feel like I am coming into my power. I feel like life is trying to push it at me and is tired of me living small more than I am. I have been getting so much feedback about being 'okay' and outloud. I got a call from a woman I met recently (thank you, Maggie) where she chose out of the blue to say the wonderful things she saw about me and wanted to call out the ways I said out loud I was not. I am actually befuddled by my insistence on not coming into myself. I have been listening to so much music about where I want to be in my love life and I have mentioned in previous posts but what I want to be is in love with myself. Imperfect but still. Everyone else sees it. I feel shame for not being among them. but that is limiting.
I admitted to someone that I was still hung up in some ways over Gareth and when they asked how long since he passed I again felt shame to mention the amount of years since he went. But he was exceptional. Me too and I need to feel it in all my cells. And as my BFF said, grief isn't linear.
Logically I know I would blow everything out of the water if I believed in me. My life is great. It would be the worst if I didn't recognize I have a pretty good relationship with my parents because it's real. They aren't great, in that they should have been tougher on me and so many expectations but there's never been a moment that I didn't know they love me so much. My brother whom I love more than anyone on this planet with the possible exception of his children whom I love with more of my heart than I thought possible. Deylan, you are so living so open hearted, so not listening baby - fix that one it's killing us all. I just love your open eyes and curiosity for life and your love for those around you. Thanks for helping me with Lucas the other day. Lukey lou you are my heart. I love you like I have never loved anything in my life, you are my first love because I met you that way and you overcame a shitload and are are fucking warrior, I say that word a lot but you are more than most humans I have met and I am fucking friend maker/job changer, I've met a lot. I love you my bold bastard. Keenan I don't know you well yet but I will. We will add so much to each other's lives. Show me who you are tiny yet mighty.
Tiny yet mighty is also a shout out to my two guys. On this particular day I am sad. Sasha, you were there for so much of our lives. I will never forget your sideways hop. I felt smug in your general hate for humanity not being applied to me. I loved baby girl. You made us (specifically your daddy) so happy. You go cause shit on the rainbow bridge but if you see Moubebe, slap paws with her.
I'd like to shout out my job and say I love it, I love (professionally) my boss and my co-workers and sincerely hope if I'm not a rockstar that I am still here and loving it in the next few years.
I go see my grandparents every couple weeks. I will dedicate more to them in a future post but in case my fish brain doesn't give this info back to me. The best part of my life is my parents/bro for sure but I am nothing with out Baka and Dida. They mean everything to me. They made me this person more than any other influence. I hope they never die and live in terror at moments since I know that's not true. I cannot express adequately with my vernacular what they mean to me and how part of me will die with them. I go as often as I do as I grow increasingly aware of mortality and while I don't want to live in a shitty zone, I need them and will be devastated when they go. I know they will so this is partly to start the mourning process as in particular Baka would never want me to not be thriving. and I will, for me and for her as I want her to eventually look down on me and say my girl. you're doing it. Baka is the light of my life . I will have many but she's my guiding one.
Well, heck. This post has been in draft for like a year. Each paragraph was written months apart so it's interesting for me to be reading it at this point. I was going to erase a ton of shit/edit more but I'll let past-Annie have her moment as well. It's all leading to something.
a haiku:
worries like light clouds
aware it's insubstantial
breath sends them along
xo
A
People who stand on escalators, they're stairs just keep going
Feets on seats - unless you are in your living space which you clean.
The sound of a cat barfing inside my sleeping hours.
Repeating for the third time.
Not taking your backpack off in crowded areas.
Thinking there was a particular grocery item at home so you don't pick it up while you're in the store to learn you're wrong as hell.
Finding someone cute and learning they are 16 years younger than you (no specifics)
Furniture that moves in front of your toes in the dark.
People who suddenly discover the menu when standing in front of the cash register after a long slow-ass line-up.
White people not seeing their privilege (including me)
Gum on railings.
Food poisoning.
Doorways that cause memory loss.
Eating past the point of fullness. Everyday.
Amongst others depending on the point in my menstrual cycle and/or duration on public transit.
I have let many months between those words and these lapse. No one knows why I don't keep this up. I probably think enough for a few people's conversation. Then again I just spaced out for the last song and sometimes two things at once is a thing. One deserves sole focus, devotion. Honestly the 90s is brought to you by Puff Daddy. God bless that guy. Busta Rhyme is under-utilized as hype music. I feel like tearing shit up when I hear his growl.
Again months have passed between the last passage of remembrance and now. I feel like I am coming into my power. I feel like life is trying to push it at me and is tired of me living small more than I am. I have been getting so much feedback about being 'okay' and outloud. I got a call from a woman I met recently (thank you, Maggie) where she chose out of the blue to say the wonderful things she saw about me and wanted to call out the ways I said out loud I was not. I am actually befuddled by my insistence on not coming into myself. I have been listening to so much music about where I want to be in my love life and I have mentioned in previous posts but what I want to be is in love with myself. Imperfect but still. Everyone else sees it. I feel shame for not being among them. but that is limiting.
I admitted to someone that I was still hung up in some ways over Gareth and when they asked how long since he passed I again felt shame to mention the amount of years since he went. But he was exceptional. Me too and I need to feel it in all my cells. And as my BFF said, grief isn't linear.
Logically I know I would blow everything out of the water if I believed in me. My life is great. It would be the worst if I didn't recognize I have a pretty good relationship with my parents because it's real. They aren't great, in that they should have been tougher on me and so many expectations but there's never been a moment that I didn't know they love me so much. My brother whom I love more than anyone on this planet with the possible exception of his children whom I love with more of my heart than I thought possible. Deylan, you are so living so open hearted, so not listening baby - fix that one it's killing us all. I just love your open eyes and curiosity for life and your love for those around you. Thanks for helping me with Lucas the other day. Lukey lou you are my heart. I love you like I have never loved anything in my life, you are my first love because I met you that way and you overcame a shitload and are are fucking warrior, I say that word a lot but you are more than most humans I have met and I am fucking friend maker/job changer, I've met a lot. I love you my bold bastard. Keenan I don't know you well yet but I will. We will add so much to each other's lives. Show me who you are tiny yet mighty.
Tiny yet mighty is also a shout out to my two guys. On this particular day I am sad. Sasha, you were there for so much of our lives. I will never forget your sideways hop. I felt smug in your general hate for humanity not being applied to me. I loved baby girl. You made us (specifically your daddy) so happy. You go cause shit on the rainbow bridge but if you see Moubebe, slap paws with her.
I'd like to shout out my job and say I love it, I love (professionally) my boss and my co-workers and sincerely hope if I'm not a rockstar that I am still here and loving it in the next few years.
I go see my grandparents every couple weeks. I will dedicate more to them in a future post but in case my fish brain doesn't give this info back to me. The best part of my life is my parents/bro for sure but I am nothing with out Baka and Dida. They mean everything to me. They made me this person more than any other influence. I hope they never die and live in terror at moments since I know that's not true. I cannot express adequately with my vernacular what they mean to me and how part of me will die with them. I go as often as I do as I grow increasingly aware of mortality and while I don't want to live in a shitty zone, I need them and will be devastated when they go. I know they will so this is partly to start the mourning process as in particular Baka would never want me to not be thriving. and I will, for me and for her as I want her to eventually look down on me and say my girl. you're doing it. Baka is the light of my life . I will have many but she's my guiding one.
Well, heck. This post has been in draft for like a year. Each paragraph was written months apart so it's interesting for me to be reading it at this point. I was going to erase a ton of shit/edit more but I'll let past-Annie have her moment as well. It's all leading to something.
a haiku:
worries like light clouds
aware it's insubstantial
breath sends them along
xo
A
Saturday, 11 August 2018
Drop it
"...If you are having a hard time ask yourself “What am I resisting?”, “What am I afraid of losing?”, “Who am without all the mask of protection that I’ve built up over the years?”. August is going to get deeper with your intent and what you focus on you will get at lightning speed..."
I had a very fulfilling day. I got up earlier than I would prefer on a Saturday, I was at Baka and Dida's as per usual to kick out some errands for them. I mowed the lawn. Sidebar, I am truly terrible at mowing lawns. Like, I like to go in a square spiral like pattern, continuously in one motion but I do a 94 point turn to get into the next line. Bizarro. Anyhoo, I leaf blew? Blowed? hahaha, mind in the gutter. The moral of the story I previously disdained the leaf blower as an egregious waste of resources but fuck a duck, it's the best. Get outta here leaves! I gleefully murmured get off my lawn as scraps of nature blasted away powerless against my electricity powered might. Dream. Vacuumed the shit outta all the shit, including the ceiling crease as Baka can smell dust. I did some other things but my mind is leaving this topic. Why am I...oh yeah! Fulfilling! So, I was originally thinking to link up with hoes at the Taste of the Danforth but wasn't super about the crush of people so met A&A at the Dirty Duff, got new gitch and had one A back to my house where I made the absolute fucking best meal of my life and it was vegan. There may be a memo there but I will not be picking it up at this time. Gave A the best tarot reading of their recent past (mayhaps ever), we hugged it out and now here I am with you, gentle reader.
I am an epiphany generator. I know why for most of my hamster wheels of behaviour/thought, not all - some remain stubbornly deep rooted under the dark zone. The why that remains most elusive is the reason behind my resistance to going from realization to action. That will truly be me as a firework when I get that piece. There will be nowhere to hide and then all the actions will have to happen. Or I'm projecting and these can be pebble drops in the pond, little rings of actions. Gentle, even.
I've had a significant boost in feeling beautiful though. That's not nothing for me and I'm trying to respect it and see where it comes from instead of regarding it as trivial and stupid to contemplate or letting myself wallow in the shitty self view.
I feel it is known that I love Spotify but I, strangely, only recently discovered the stations that just keep guessing based on a song choice and it's just injecting a hot beef, no wait, is giving my joy a hot beef injection? I think that's right. Although right now Spotify is not letting me make a new station telling me I'm offline and I have used up my one IT trick or turning it on and off and still it thwarts me. Lo! what douchebaggery is this? I fixed it. I just needed to not be instantly angry and let my prickling at change/obstruction make me nuclear. Something, something memo. It's not even midnight, I'm a moderate.
Man, Foo Fighters are really something, like, it can't be understated. I can't not cry when I see that Rockin'1000 video. GD.
Currently getting the best of me are my boss and Baka, no ragrats. Both deserving and delightful. In my mind I write a gentle roast of my boss all the time that I would give if he was being honoured somewhere/significant birthday. Anyway, you should know it kills with my imaginary audience with every edit. I need to channel that supporting, loving audience more often. Weezer is my level of irreverence and earnestness. I forget bro went to Harvard.
If only Spike wouldn't look me dead in the eyes as he did all the things he knows burns my brown onion.
A haiku:
So solitary
All the heart crashing cymbals
Look up it's okay.
xo
A
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