Life is like a three legged race

Please read the title in Tom Hanks voice. 

This is me in the process of shedding the scales of fear, expectation, judgement and inaction.

I expect this process will take a LOT of time. Intention - step numero uno.

Honesty moment - from the time I typed that last sentence to this one - 14 days. Fear, I have let you cripple me so often, you'd think I love it.

Addendum - it's been 6 days since that statement and I changed the post title. Evolution! Ka-POW!

so - three-legged race. This came up in a conversation between myself and my beautiful friend JustWin.  She was feeling a little less self confident during the waiting game of interview rounds and I gave her a pep talk. She thanked me for my support and I said you do the same for me - it's like we're part of a three-legged race and we take turns being the support. We have things in common, including wanting the other to get ahead and a real desire to see them happy. It's that tricky outside leg that throws the game off but! arms around waists and double the strength of the tied together inside leg (this is an amazing metaphor for life, clapping myself on the back) we keep going. We've been coached to not think of an end and 'making it,' but to revel in the journey. 

Friends, genuine soul deep thank yous to those who have picked me up when I have fallen down, helped me shake ludicrous thoughts from my mind, laughed at my jokes, agreed with me, disagreed with me, brought new art/music/joy/life, encouraged me in trying new things. You shine bright like a diamond. 

Unrelated note I hope the 49ers take the Superbowl (F you Ray Lewis! Murderer!) and I am nigh on ready to explode with how EXCITED I am for Beyoncé's Halftime show. There will be no greater performance ever. This one notwithstanding.  I swear to you, I could watch that on repeat every day of my life. (you all know the different coloured font connotes a weblink, right?) I don't feel like I fangirl many people but Bey? I follow her Tumblr/Instagram/love everything she does. Sure, I'm sure she has some faults but I am more than content to leave them in my blindspot. Are you watching the video!?! When she drops the mic? Going through the octaves? Ripping open the coat? THE SALUTE!? Jay-Z's salute! 

Anyhoo, back on track - I'm over hanging out on the web of recrimination. I don't beat myself with the past. Yes, my choices got me here but they are not my forever choices and absolutely do not determine my next ones. 

I just started doing the Jillian Michaels workout - shit is tough! and good! Thanks Jillian! I'll have the body of P!nk so soon - only hopefully slightly larger sweater puppies (no offense P!nk, you're hot as hell)

I accept my choices have brought me here and that's okay. Everything happens for a reason. What I do from here on in is going to be amazing. I want to amaze me. I have accomplished many things. I'm great at making people happy. I'm gonna make me happy too. This makes me happy...interspecies friends. Yep, I'm who the intergoogles was made for. 

Another gift from the WWW - a Pep Talk. On Repeat. 

Oh man, you know what's going to be great? That first kick, kick in bed. I love you bed. and soft sheets. and moubebe cuddling up next to me. 

a haiku:

Act like I can't fail

the pursuit of happiness

head thrown back laughter

xo

Self-flagellation is the new masturbation

Choice is like a light switch. In the immortal words of sweet Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." 

I am amazeballs as knowing what I need to do - I am great at seeing the behaviours I need to change - I can advise people with salient, efficient suggestions that are usually accepted. But I do not. and I don't try.

I am surrounded by drivers and winners and they count me in this group. What I am doing here is whining. I am using time to complain instead of taking action - specifically, productive and efficient action. I am spinning wheels as cover for living a small life actions and they are time wasters. I can step outside myself and say Self! Shenanigans! You know better! You know how sweet the relief singing through your body will be when you let - that - albatross - GO! 

I KNOW this! Know it as a certainty and yet, don't. It's maddening. For me, those who believe in me and I am choosing to stay on this hamster wheel. I'm bigger than this! I want to break free but I am letting myself be dominated by the insidious voice with its fear tentacles enshrouding my hope and action that says nothing changes, I don't change, give up, stay down. 

I know it's as simple as letting go. I am reading an awesome book by Ryan Blair and he basically says there are two kinds of people. When you are down, beat down, either you use that as a stand and start fighting or you stay down and give up. Gross! UP! I want to be the person up and fighting! Bloody knuckles, sweat pouring off me, never say die. 

This small life is bullshit! I have a million people that LOVE me, I am smart as fuck, I am the most socially savvy animal, I will never be homeless or hungry, I have mobility. Stop squandering. Stop disbelieving. I am a special snowflake. 

I read a quote:

and my first thought was, I make excuses. I must not want it for myself enough. Jesus WEPT! Get a hold of yourself! 

My past is not my present nor does it determine my future. I know this as fact, now I need to tattoo it on my heart. Have it be the mental linebacker against fear's offense. 

I want to be a firework. 

My capabilities are endless.

I will drop my albatrosses.

Failure is a gift. 

GET UP

Not in public!

There are 50 shades of public behaviour ranging from unexpected, awe-stricken delight to abject horror. I will not be addressing abject horror. That is the evening news and abuses we avert eyes from.

Madonna - you will forever remind me of the best of times, the worst of times.

Hearken ye to the year 2002, I'm pretty sure, in my last year of sweet education. If you are wondering if my favourite kara!oh!ke! song to sing then was Madge's Like a Prayer - you are correct. By the by Ms. Ciccone, thanks for not having ads in front of your music videos.

Getting right back on track - so I am given'er! during this song. Friends Jack and Lo are outside having stimulating discourse over tabacco swirls. Jack turns his head to witness me, not quite so elegant. Whilst given'er, I was also feeling the passion of this song and decided after, no one's counting how many beers, to get down on my knees (like a little prayer). Underestimated the combination of gravity and my lack of equilibrium and ended down on my knees, flat on my back (like a little crab). Jack and Lo, I learn, then rock/paper/scissors for whom has to pull me back to my doddering feet. Jack does so in a gentlemanly fashion, asks if I am ok, I nod yes (still singing, hello) and go back to finish in epic rock fashion.

You know, until this moment I haven't even thought of the audience. I have no idea how that played out before their drunk retinas. hmm.

I love my iPod. So much. You know what I'm saying. When shuffle just finds a magic path and links perfect songs in a love symbiosis. I used to have this happen the most often walking home over the Georgia Street Viaduct at night. My favourite view of the city is from that viaduct.Anyhoo, low level special is when I am internally bursting with joy over one of my current favourites songs and I beam at the world. Then we segue to mid-level. I am now off in my brain on magical tangents. My head is swaying and I am quietly laughing to myself over my savvy bon mots. Wisecracks! I have officially forgotten I am in public. I laugh out loud I am shimmyin' holding onto the subway pole (ay-yoooo!) Like a shotgun, reality intrudes. Usually people are studiously averting their eyes but smiling, so I am happy to have added levity to the commute.

And that's on my own. I have handsy friends who for some reason haven't stopped finding me making high pitched noises, from being randomly jabbed, ass slapped, bresticle grabbed, très amusing. Rude.

Ok, so kind of horror - I saw suffering. Belatedly, although I am at a loss on how to have ameliorated the situation.

I was heading home via the people's chariot after a seminar session. I love people in the streets (ba-da-di-da-day) and, by corollary, public transit if I can't hear them. If I have my iPod in I think nice things about the people around me. If I can hear conversation, I'm upset. I also spend a lot of time on public transit, so I use it to catch up on reading. Blissfully, I was availing myself to these resources and took no notice of those around me. This particular bus ride was jammed, a bum per seat style. I headed to the back since I am a final stop individual and spotted another passenger with their light on and sat down beside since I wouldn't be bothering my fellow passenger with my light. This is a one hour ride. 35 minutes in we stop at the other major drop off point. There seems to be a mad rush to get off but I love people moving with alacrity so I am not alerted to anything being amiss. When I crossed the aisle and was about to resume reading, I noticed the woman I had been sitting next to giving me a quizzical look. I interpreted it as her thinking, 'oh, so I'm not good enough to sit with? Do I stink?' (I was wrong) I smiled a 'no lady, you're great, I just thought we could all use a little more wiggle room.'
Back to my book. Finished it a few minutes later, put it away and settled back to enjoy the last 15 minutes/my iPod. It's then that I realize I can hear someone coughing up a storm past the tunes being pumped into my ears. I look up and realize it's the woman kitty-corner to me, so just in front of where I had been sitting. I'm like, why is she bent over so much to cough which is when she leans back and I see a trail of mucous/liquid from her mouth. LAWDAMERCY! Lady! You are puking in public! (not pointing fingers, just to be clear. I stuck to alleyways/garbage bins in my yout, just sayin.) I am agape and now mentally scanning my inventory/the seats around me to see if there is something to help her when she lurches to her feet and stumble-jogs off the bus. I turn in my mild state of shock to the woman whom I had been sitting next to and exclaim, That woman was sick! To sum up I had been in the middle of the pie eating scene from 'Stand By Me' and was oblivious. My boots had been in the river of sadness.  I felt really bad that I had been clueless but other than getting her kicked off the bus I didn't have a whole lot of resources open to getting her help. Shit. Damn. Let that never be me.

The flip side is that I have been truly astounded and/or delighted by the actions of others around me, beauty in unexpected pauses. And possibly the other side would have voted not in public and I would have lost out. So basically, in re-reading this post-eroo, I realize the memo is let go of public yes's or no's (to an extent, no streaking still - sorry) as I am not being judged and other's anecdotes are sparks that ripple out.