You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.
Azar Nafisi
I did feel this way when I left Vancouver. It's funny as I often reflect on something one of the two gentlemen I have cracked my heart open for said to me about me being young when we were in each others' lives and how indignant I was at his (in my mind solely) inference that I was immature. But, he was right. The changes I went through in those 6 years are phenomenal when I look at them. I played on two sports teams, ran a marathon, several halves, took someone through the last year of their life, made more friends than I ever thought I would, became a much better cook, loved, laughed, explored. I took care of little people and left sales. All of these things were in the 'Never' column for me before I got on a westward bound plane in 2006.
Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom. The major value in life is not what you get. The major value in life is what you become. Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person you become.
Jim Rohn
This I struggle with - I do want it to be easier. Or, I'd like to be at the end of 'it' - whatever crucible I need to be tested in to drop my particular albatrosses. I just want the lottery, the magnanimous, loving partner (I could concede marriage while rolling around in a pile of dubloons a la Scrooge McDuck) However, it's not bad - the struggle, it just is and then it isn't and you move on through your own personal metamorphosis which is beautiful. I hear. Although, I wish I could pull up where I did hear this, I thought a lot about hearing the analogy of a seed turning into a plant. The seed must crack and spill out. To one person it looks like something totally new, wonderful and necessary while to another it looks like destruction. I definitely have moments in both and would like to train my mind with time to peacefully reside in the former.
Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.
Tyrion Lannister
If anyone would know it's a dwarf in the Renaissance age. (Don't quote me or chirp at me for the potential wrong time period) That's what it's all about. Rendering that which holds you back meaningless. And is as easy as flipping a light switch. I have so many mini pep talks for myself - take that step! you can take baby actions! you are smarter/better/more capable than you think ad nauseum. Sometimes I feel like I'm so badass or when people laugh at my stories/turn of phrase/bon mots I feel chuffed and puffy like a peacock. Another self high five will be in order when I set that as my default and laugh in the face of any other notion. Laugh!
It is my favourite thing to do, after all.
The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.
Haruki Murakami
If you haven't had the opportunity to read Murakami, I would recommend it. The words wind themselves around you and are so poetic and full of yearning (at least the book I read, I am working on another) Anyhoo, I been trying to crack through more books as I was on a bit of a hiatus for a while.
And by hiatus I mean I was reading Harlequin romance novels and that's about wanting to not think. The literary equivalent of an Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie. Not slagging the novels (kinda), they genuinely constitute 31% of the reason I have an expansive vernacular. I mean, how many ways are you going to say they were horny as shit? He had a raging hard-on? Many, many ways. You never know when you are going to need to find a few different ways to expand upon something getting swollen. Engorged, turgid member throbbing with fervour and insatiable lust. Hello, dudes. I just love your ways. Except when you say really dumb things which jolts a lady out of her loquacious mind-set. Back to feeling randy. Rambunctious!
The summer has been a fantastic parade of delicious man-candy. God bless'em, I say. You go being shirtless in parks and skin that smells of sun. I just have enjoyed quality beach and under dappled trees time, revelling in the relaxation that happens when you are soothingly warmed by sun and laughter of your fellow sunny season addicts. I love the minutiae of nature, watching sand sift through your hand and remembering that webpage that showed each grain is like a mini gemstone or observing ants as they clamber over blades of grass and thinking about their journey. As much as I regard them as a small part, I too, am a blip.
I love the word bombastic. I tend to be predisposed to individuals who are, unless I'm feeling bitchy then I give them the shutthehell up eyes. Behind sunglasses. I don't actually want an altercation because someone is volubly enthusiastic.
Holy crapsicle! I have a terrible earworm stuck in my head - I won't even post it that's how much I care. It's actually just a particular (simulated most likely) horn sequence from a dub step song and I am singing it in a high pitched tone to my coworker because unlike you, dear reader, I need someone to suffer/take it on. The only reason I don't like earworms is that I only ever get a couple bars/10 words stuck in my head and they often ruin songs I do like but just haven't memorized enough to prevent them from becoming earworms. Ok reasons. Which is usually when I turn to YouTube and Beyonce. What can't Beyonce fix? Hahahaha! I can't hear you! So the answer is Nothing! She is a deity. in spanx. I wish I didn't need spanx myself but not enough to go to the gym. The magical place of unfulfilled dreams. Omigod! Earworm - please fuck off. Get me bodied is in my top 5 Queen Bey songs in case you were wondering and where my intergoogles is currently navigating to. I lied. Once I got to YouTube they had a recommendation so I took it. I would like to be in a (not super bad) accident with a head honcho at Rolling Stone/Pitchfork/NME/whateva and they would be so impressed with my scintillating conversation and sassy quick wit/savvy accident fixing MacGyver (#richarddeanandersonisking) ways that they would be like, "Yo, when we are free you should TOTALLY write for us and really get paid a stinkin lot to do so" which I would do. From an island. IN a fancy condo. With slides. And a cat room. Moubebe travels with me though, the cat room is for the B Team. No offence, B Team. #onelove. Then I could quote Steven Wright, "I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be."
Anyhoo, in summation I'll end with Bill Hicks #gonetoosoon:
Life is only a dreamf and we are the imagination of ourselves.
a haiku:
it's gargantuan!
need both hands for this package
and an allen key.
xo
a haiku:
it's gargantuan!
need both hands for this package
and an allen key.
xo
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