I really love getting to know myself better. At least the pleasure side. I am getting a significant amount better at self-care. I know that smoking a bowl and listening to Weak by SWV will calm me the fuck down. Downright serene. I didn't know that combo 5 years ago. Basically baths are my main bitch. It was the one place there's no hassle, no one rushed you. I read books for over an hour in the tub trying to as quietly as possible keep topping up hot water. Not that my family were tyrants by any stretch but available is available and in the bathroom is not available.
Like, my best friend broke me of privacy in the bathroom so I don't care as much nor in the same way but I need in my life at least one closed door no one gets to traverse in my life.
User Gael Hernandez Palmer - this particular Spotify playlist is a GD gem. Thank you.
It's easier to walk away than to look for what would make you stay - oh person I end up with, you are going to get a deluge of everything good, good. I am fucking good to my friends, I gotta milli testimonials, but there is a higher level of my care.
I know I have four nail clippers. I have been searching for them for days. They're spread out in places that once made sense to me. Future me will laugh and laugh when we stop this tortured game of hide and seek. Current me seethes with indignant self-flagellation.
While still needing to go to a mental health professional that I feel in sympatico with, I am also getting a lot better on talking myself down from various rage ridges. I'm a lot better at asking myself why so mad, bro? Most of the things I get worked up about on a daily bias are inconsequential. Not that they don't matter but I am not going to take action on it in the moment so, gotta let it flow. Be the water, not the rock. I am repeating this to myself ad nauseam. Letting go, it might be a 40s thing.
Do my action align with my words, am I sticking true to me, what is true to me? What are my boundaries?! I have had so few, not wanting to ever put anyone out. I get so frustrated watching Baka and my mom be self-sacrificing and giving no iota to their own care. And then monkey do what they have been seeing their whole lives, which they had done as well. I want off that hamster wheel. I want them off it too.
Patience is my nemesis. I want my journey to my best self to be over and I don't, honestly. My addict mind is thirsty AF for new - knowledge, experiences, skills, everything. I want everything. I got super pissed about asking someone to send me a pic so I could go pick up something and because I waited more than 48 hours, when I said no rush (also, I am aware of the power and nuance of langauge and my responsibility in how it lands for others)
I'm irritated as hell when I see people I thought of as friends posting pics from Toronto and never thought to reach out to me, or tell me too busy after the fact. To go full bitch in this moment, that's Vancouver people. I was warned when I got there but I went on such a friendship attack plan, I made a shitload of friends. I thought how I felt about people was reciprocated but clearly no. Unless you happen to be in front of them, people in Vancouver are, at best, nice acquaintances.
Also, don't fucking show up and tell me the day you land. This trip genuinely a surprise for you? Do you know me at all. I can drop some things but not everything. And thing is I would try because of how much friendship means to me but - and this kills me the most - I am starting to not fucking care.
Which brings me to the thing that causes the most pain and longing, I want someone(s) to show with action that I matter and I can think of three people for whom I believe that to be true. Not counting family who have to see me. Otherwise, we are friends because I believe in the work. And once I stop bleeding, I'll be able to shove these feelings down to a numb spot and carry on infusing my own life with joy but right now, fucking show up for me. Anybody.
I mentally do a five star ballet to keep conflict and sadness from my life and thus others but, shit, sometimes I'm tired and so I will go to the beach and read a book that will make me laugh and I'll feel grateful for grass listing in the wind, sunlight through leaves, friends laughing with/at each other, smoking with my toes in the water. And learn boundaries and how to use the language that tells people what I need from them instead of shouting into the echoing apathy of the internet.
Self, I hope you also acknowledge the ways you are amazing. Get rid of that blindspot. Get rid of the secret part of you that still demands perfection. Also, put up another post it note saying, get rid of expectations. Stop breakingyour own heart with hopes around others' actions. You are the Captain of the starship your own damn happiness. Enjoy your wins. Share always. I believe in me. I'm not dead yet so hope and opportunity remain ample. Love me, love me, love me.
a haiku:
what version is this
or does the progress count more
you go, butterfly
xox
A
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