Chani Nicholas - The only way to interrupt a nightmare is to comfort myself with the truth. The only way to interrupt a harmful belief is to meet it with a kindness so enveloping that it becomes protection. The only way to outgrow a bad habit is to focus on what feels affirming.
When I care enough about my own well-being, I refuse to be in situations that do not.
Along the way of learning this I will forget, and then remember. I’ll get it right and then wrong. I’ll feel strong and less than capable, ashamed and unstoppable, together and coming apart at the seams. I’ll keep roaming around the same lessons until I’ve had enough practice with them, and even then I’ll pay them a visit every once in a while.
With this New Moon, I commit to having patience with myself. I believe that my timing is perfect even if I sometimes forget to trust it. I believe that my healing is happening even if it’s often occurring underground. I believe that I am deserving of the love and kindness that I show others even if I sometimes don’t know how to show myself such kindness. - - -
I love that. Giving myself acceptance and forgiveness is my work. I think I am getting better at it, adding in course correction. OR I have a lovely overly inflated view of myself, hard to say.
I need to record my bathroom conversations/joke party. And then never do anything with it. How hard could video editing be? I say as I know myself to be only a turn it off, turn it back on tech level individual. Or I should just get a mic, that's better. I should see if the one I had recommended to me is available in town (#shoplocal) oh wow, it's $200!!
Like I don't blow that amount of money regularly. Nor would I have any idea how much anything to do with recording would cost, and now I do. It's not even the most expensive, learning new things every day.
This pandy, hey? The usual bitch fest followed by some lessons. GODAMN I AM NOT BUILT TO BE ALONE, hot damn! What a nightmare this time has been, my FOMO YOLO ways just suddenly stopped was an addiction rehab I did not see coming. Holy shit, I hate not being around people - and now I am leery of being around people. I went to an event that was to be on a rooftop patio and because of (what I think is a v small amount of) rain, it went indoors and I have never felt such a visceral punch as suddenly seeing 100 faces all at once after no more than a couple for a year and a half. I try my best to be a helpmate to my grandparents and am reliant on public transit so it seemed balanced to limit my circle 8 since, people see people and I really don't think the public got that your circle of ten was supposed to be it for one another, not your ten and their ten and their ten. The bathtub has been a safety cocoon for me since childhood but man, I have never spent so much time crying in a bathtub before (may I never again - both for better situations and coping skills) Also, shout out to Lush for your products and you are welcome for the couple grand.
I both want to see everyone and no one. I want to reach out to the people and I have realized that some people never pour back for me and what do I do with that? We're all in a pandemic but I had my absence of boundaries and buying my self worth through gifting others presents balanced against a lot of behaviours I tolerated that preceded pandy significantly.
I do realize that my chasing the FOMO every night was outrunning what I did not want to deal with and part of my giving is my love language but some of it is trying to buy love from a place of not believing I am deserving of as is .
I used to book in nights with myself, I kept my life so packed. I am still a pendulum swinging as I don't know where the impetuous starts from truly an insatiable curiosity and love of experience versus avoidance of being alone and looking certain situations/ways of being in the face.
I took good care of my body when living in BC because I had other people to do it with. I have been beating myself up for this need to have people included in order to accomplish tasks/goals as opposed to doing it all on my own. But I also know I have a real inability to see myself and the work I do, work I do well.
I fixed my taxes after 10 years - hadn't filed, gov't owed me money, spent over a decade in shame with this amongst key pieces of evidence of how shitty a person I believe myself to be. How did that voice get associated with truth? I know logically it's not but it still sings lowly at the back of my mind and I never hear the hum for its familiarity.
Got my ID back (health card/ Age of majority card) - I don't want to drive, I am meant to be driven and enjoying the view. Was also avoiding this to not alert the gov't to where I was. Like they don't know at all times.
Made a neighbour a new friend, new friend is even more committed than I am to the hangout (not for lack of desire, just rusty at spontaneous hangs) which is an amazing experience.
Negotiated payments for my cat when she decided to blow up my bank account with her tricky intestines.
I also haven't been to a doctor for close to a decade for mourning and further avoidance and increased shame for being a terrible adult. I have made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday where I am lining up points, questions, requests and ready for scheduling.
I did actually (since this post started in mid 2020, I have a few drafts *kanye shrug*) keep around 90% of my money in Toronto (notwithstanding I don't know actually who gets the money from my hydro, products I bought from local shops weren't always made here, etc) or at the very least in Canada.
I donated a lot more of my paycheck in the last 18 months as, if I couldn't fix my own, I desperately wanted to reduce someone else's suffering. Which is not to say I am doing the donating or allyship well but I am on the path and will get more informed and better at helping opportunity not be for a few. I am grateful for my friends that are also on this path as it makes me feel more hopeful that the needle will move, not as slowly as the past.
If my massage therapist, chef, musically inclined, curious, considerate, extremely hot and orally gifted partner wants to show up right meow, I'm pretty ready to be taken as is. I know I'm pretty good but the best part of me is that I am changing and evolving. Life is a ride. Even as I curse the Universe for not giving a shit when I am untethered in the emotional chaos, my lodestone is a love of life and the iron is pure joy.
A haiku :
When we meet again
Either deep hugs or jock nods
Unpredictable
xoxo,
A
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