Lowered Expectation

I am in a glass case of emotion. 

If you are looking for a funny post, I'd advise to wait until the next post. Which is fine, no one can be Suzy Sunshine all the time. 

I am in the process of removing meaning from my/others actions and words. I am taking courses to help with my self development since I hadn't believed in myself the way my friends had. It's been outrageous in how it has made me realize how I look at everything though filters of the past. I am better at clearing up things with people as opposed to accepting my view as Truth and stewing. So fucking wasteful to stew. 

In the course of sharing what I feel I have learned, I had friends remark that it sounded awesome so I invited them to check it out. I scheduled a night, people accepted. I was elated. 

No one went. 8 people accepted, not a single followed through. 

This is what I made it mean -  

I clearly have not transformed in any way otherwise, they wouldn't have bailed. Clearly, they don't love me as much as they say or they would have wanted to do this for me, even when it was something for them that I intended. You can't force people to take things, but I didn't think I was forcing. If I had said, 'Homies! I won tickets to Beyonce's concert, head on down to Will Call!' No one would have been too tired, had a long day, cared about being late. Life happens? Sure fucking does. Doesn't mean you can't keep your word. Maybe this is a reflection of me. Maybe I don't keep my word. Maybe I am meant to learn that I am not that reliable a friend. Middle fingers in the air. No more fucks to give. I will never ask that group for anything again. This morning I was alternately leaning my head against the shower wall while crying and saying you need to keep moving, you'll be late. Again, you're always late. Since any upset sends me right to the self-flagellation zone. Sweet Universe, let that be one of the things I let the fuck go of. Nonsense. 

If I am to truly be feeling love, I can't let this be a hindrance. Love has no expectations, rules or conditions. Can I feel this when I don't feel it back? Again, shouldn't be a concern. Do or do not. 

Maybe I am failing at my course. Maybe I am too fucking stubborn to evolve. I sure do feel disempowered as hell. I want to turtle. 

I am collecting evidence that I can't count on people. That I will always be Team B that people like from time to time. This is also a story I am making up. I can create whatever I want. I know this logically, but my old self is clinging to the hurt. 

Truly unreasonable and completely different actions for me would be to truly make this mean nothing.

 I can hear a gentleman of my acquaintance saying, 'Shake it off, Steel!' 
You are not wrong! I do want to shake it off. Shaking it off to me right now means I will never ask them for anything again. Trust. Broken. 
That is not who I want to be. At all. That doesn't open up a space for magic in my life and I want a new way of being. I want to see new actions in abundance. A plethora of new choices whereby I am easily moving through things without getting  upset. As, with everything in my life, I don't get moderately upset. 

I don't want to be wasteful with my time and love. I'm not sure what actions to take from here...please stand by. Will take the day to breathe it all in, and try to love it all out. 

xo

a haiku:

I see you chains of pain
who wants to be a free bird
fly out of the fire.