Trying
I keep repeating to myself, 'Be the water, not the rock,' I am trying to embody this. Currently and ongoingly.
I am mad at the dudes that have thwarted my attempts at being a two-some recently. I have gone through a gamut of gentlemen. My girls know, I don't like to share details of anything, ever but they know those nicknames as Corn guy, for those in the know, networker wank job, hair guy and so forth, I have been tryin'.
However, my fucking glorious friend Wanda at a conference we were at was like but what if your glorious life, that you love, is it? She didn't say it exactly like that but I think that's a good question to ask. I really like my life... I wish I was better at money and saving and owned my own house, but I spend a lot of time being happy and if it ended tomorrow, I would have a fuckload of people who missed me and feel I could confidently say I left a mark. And I don't know that there's more than that.
Be the water, not the rock.
All gifts to my life
Let's see.
There are three times in my life a gentleman, I would consider a significant part of my timeline, made me feel secure and hot as hell. I didn't give a shit about any other woman in that guy's life. I knew I was his flavour and it's not as if I don't get jealous but I never was with them. And I was thinking about my seldom ever feeling jealousy since I was always of the opinion of if you can be tempted elsewhere, then go. It would never be a sudden thing so something else was wrong/causing us to drift and if that happens and neither of us says what's up and can we find a way back, go. Find your flavour. But I thought about it a little more and my ability to turn a page an never look back, ever, I had a tiny whispered thought in my brain that maybe because I watched my mom and grandma put up with so much work, responsibility for physical/emotional/future needs, (as it appeared to me) emotional abuse without any push back and so it's only now occurring to me that could be possibly one of the reasons why I am so quick to walk away. I see anything that smacks of words/behviour from men in my family and I shunt you to the box labeled, new phone who dis? Never open.
I know a lot of good mascs so it's not as if my rom-com heart doesn't hope from time to time but I don't have a lot of faith in cis men at this juncture.
so obvi this is a couple weeks later but I have had this thought about myself:
A powerful waterfall is continuously moving and adapting to changes in geography/situation. There will also be numerous sharp, rocks but the water softens the rocks over time but the power remains and then is unfettered. I am a waterfall. I am working on being unfettered.
I went off in my mind and had a million hilarious thoughts on my various contemplation trains. I only remember that one of them concluded in, before Drizzy coined it, I was going from 0 to 100 real quick. Real quick. Ooh, the temper. Smoooothing out edges. with time. and therapy. which is also with time. I'm an evolving butterfly.
Also, this is a great time to shout out Dida and I successfully did a project together and NEITHER of us lost our minds. Every time Dida concedes to let me do a 'blue' job because no one else consistently comes around, sorry not sorry family jab, we have a clash of the Titans fucking blow up and I scream something at his ass since he can longer move fast / do more then penguin hobble before storming into the house and dunking my head under cold water. Even funnier, every single time we're about to start a job Baka shimmies after me saying don't get angry / let him push you / etc a certain familiar phrase of please don't lose your shit because he's lost his shit this time and every single time I'm like, Baka, c'mon, it's gonna be fine. THIS TIME IT WAS! GLITTER CANNON! MORE CONFETTI! AGGRESSIVE SPORTS HORNS!
Thank god, so few people hear how I speak to my cats. Like, there's obviously a level I go to when it's just us but I do slip when friends are over and some of my nutso for catso spills out. But also, with the exception of my brother, his child army, JB three times, my dad a couple times, there have been no men in this place before a recent friendish came over. Spike gave him such love eyes I was like, are. you. kidding. me. right. MEOW! and if you read that through a filter of simmering rage because I literally conjure up new ways to make these fucking SUCKHOLES of everything happy, you right. Anyhoo, combined with how much he loves to rough house with my nephews, who largely ignore him for a screen, I have decided Deathspike is gay. The evidence is clear.
SO yeah.
I really need to get a thing to plug into my Mac and speak into as I WISH you could have heard some of tonight's gold, it was gold, Jerry. Or as PNN says, I'll start my own YouTube channel. With the millennials. HAHAHAHAHAAA oh god that's amazing. HAAAAAA.
a haiku:
but what if all dreams
were blueprints for tomorrow
so why not wake up?
xo
A
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