Do you smell that?

I just caught someone surreptitiously smelling their own pits! I see your arm raise/brace against a wall/casual 'look' around. Don't worry man, I do it too. I LOVE catching people doing things they wish they had an invisibility cloak for. Nose picking, belting out their favourite tunes in the car, buying Nickelback Cds. I wish I had talent as a pickpocket. Not because I need to steal things (yesIdo) just because it would be interesting to test myself and see how long it took to get caught. What kind of outfit would I have as a pickpocket? I was imagining something bedazzled but that might be counterintuitive.

I'll tell you where I play havey cavey with my intestines - I am a regular sniff tester for leftovers. 5 days old? quick olfactory check-in...it's good! If not, sometime almost being burnt to a crescinder on my stove top while I check out the balcony should fix anything nefarious. I do claim to be part goat, there are many instances where a friend has asked, "Did you feel okay after that seafood medley we ate off a street cart at 3am?" Never better! Thank you for asking. The only time my intestines trip me up is when I have forgotten about how much hot sauce I put on something the night before. God damn I love hot sauce.  As a side note if you aren't visiting www.theoatmeal.com on the regular, you are missing out. Holy hannah, I love a poster about grammar. I try, you know. I feel like I have a 90% success rate. Or maybe I think I'm way smarter than I actually am. NOPE! Not it!

Do you ever get a little lump behind your ear? What does it mean? To WebMD I do not go. Why test a hypochondriac reflex? Ostriches. They're onto something.

I hate being denied treats. I am trying to go gluten free - well, wheat free. I have an addiction - and it's not fun. I hate not fun things. That's a lot of negativity right there. Have this instead:

I need some kind of gif tutorial - I'd spice things up around here but I have a 2/10 success rate and a 1/10 care rate. I'm kidding I do want to jazz things up, I just have a lazy streak. 

I'll tell you what's not ok. Scent amnesia. I am going to one day make a public service announcement on this issue. That there is a need for one is a sad testament to our entitled society/the state of common sense and yet... If you are putting 3+ sprays on, you hate everyone. Or they hate you, hard to say. Here's the thing, you get used to certain smells. Your family house, dutch oven-ing your partner, the back alley (not a euphamism), springtime air etc. Then your brain needs more to nudge the part of you that is aware of smelling so you go get more. This is exemplified by you sit down after your freshy-fresh shower, you have a nice outfit on and still people are giving you the oompa loompa/I'ma cut you hairy eyeball. It's because you are GAGGING us with your favourite scent. It's all I can think about! The thing with any kind of scent is that it's meant for someone who gets in your intimate space, not a goddamn public foghorn announcement.  Despite all my rage. Few things get me really riled up but all my feathers are on high alert when someone is making the oxygen around us flee, screaming.  I need to simmer down.

You know what will wake me out of a dead sleep? God's vagina. Yes. Sweet, sweet bacon. 

oh and this is my POWER song today. Boom! Boom!

a haiku:

I love bacon

you never marry ninjas 

you take it easy.

xo