I love you, Shiny

Things that drive me insane:

People who stand on escalators, they're stairs just keep going
Feets on seats - unless you are in your living space which you clean.
The sound of a cat barfing inside my sleeping hours.
Repeating for the third time.
Not taking your backpack off in crowded areas.
Thinking there was a particular grocery item at home so you don't pick it up while you're in the store to learn you're wrong as hell.
Finding someone cute and learning they are 16 years younger than you (no specifics)
Furniture that moves in front of your toes in the dark.
People who suddenly discover the menu when standing in front of the cash register after a long slow-ass line-up.
White people not seeing their privilege (including me)
Gum on railings.
Food poisoning.
Doorways that cause memory loss.
Eating past the point of fullness. Everyday.

Amongst others depending on the point in my menstrual cycle and/or duration on public transit.


I have let many months between those words and these lapse. No one knows why I don't keep this up. I probably think enough for a few people's conversation. Then again I just spaced out for the last song and sometimes two things at once is a thing. One deserves sole focus, devotion. Honestly the 90s is brought to you by Puff Daddy. God bless that guy. Busta Rhyme is under-utilized as hype music. I feel like tearing shit up when I hear his growl.


Again months have passed between the last passage of remembrance and now. I feel like I am coming into my power. I feel like life is trying to push it at me and is tired of me living small more than I am. I have been getting so much feedback about being 'okay' and outloud. I got a call from a woman I met recently (thank you, Maggie) where she chose out of the blue to say the wonderful things she saw about me and wanted to call out the ways I said out loud I was not. I am actually befuddled by my insistence on not coming into myself. I have been listening to so much music about where I want to be in my love life and I have mentioned in previous posts but what I want to be is in love with myself. Imperfect but still. Everyone else sees it. I feel shame for not being among them. but that is limiting.

I admitted to someone that I was still hung up in some ways over Gareth and when they asked how long since he passed I again felt shame to mention the amount of years since he went. But he was exceptional. Me too and I need to feel it in all my cells. And as my BFF said, grief isn't linear. 

Logically I know I would blow everything out of the water if I believed in me. My life is great. It would be the worst if I didn't recognize I have a pretty good relationship with my parents because it's real. They aren't great, in that they should have been tougher on me and so many expectations but there's never been a moment that I didn't know they love me so much. My brother whom I love more than anyone on this planet with the possible exception of his children whom I love with more of my heart than I thought possible. Deylan, you are so living so open hearted, so not listening baby - fix that one it's killing us all. I just love your open eyes and curiosity for life and your love for those around you. Thanks for helping me with Lucas the other day. Lukey lou you are my heart. I love you like I have never loved anything in my life, you are my first love because I met you that way  and you overcame a shitload and are are fucking warrior, I say that word a lot but you are more than most humans I have met and I am fucking friend maker/job changer, I've met a lot. I love you my bold bastard.  Keenan I don't know you well yet but I will. We will add so much to each other's lives. Show me who you are tiny yet mighty.

Tiny yet mighty is also a shout out to my two guys. On this particular day I am sad. Sasha, you were there for so much of our lives. I will never forget your sideways hop. I felt smug in your general hate for humanity not being applied to me. I loved baby girl. You made us (specifically your daddy) so happy. You go cause shit on the rainbow bridge but if you see Moubebe, slap paws with her.


I'd like to shout out my job and say I love it, I love (professionally) my boss and my co-workers and sincerely hope if I'm not a rockstar that I am still here and loving it in the next few years.

I go see my grandparents every couple weeks. I will dedicate more to them in a future post but in case my fish brain doesn't give this info back to me. The best part of my life is my parents/bro for sure but I am nothing with out Baka and Dida. They mean everything to me. They made me this person more than any other influence. I hope they never die and live in terror at moments since I know that's not true. I cannot express adequately with my vernacular what they mean to me and how part of me will die with them. I go as often as I do as I grow increasingly aware of mortality and while I don't want to live in a shitty zone, I need them and will be devastated when they go. I know they will so this is partly to start the mourning  process as in particular Baka would never want me to not be thriving. and I will, for me and for her as I want her to eventually look down on me and say my girl. you're doing it. Baka is the light of my life . I will have many but she's my guiding one.

Well, heck. This post has been in draft for like a year. Each paragraph was written months apart so it's interesting for me to be reading it at this point. I was going to erase a ton of shit/edit more but I'll let past-Annie have her moment as well. It's all leading to something. 

a haiku:

worries like light clouds
aware it's insubstantial 
breath sends them along

xo

A