I wish I could find more motivation to write. I found a Word document of random thoughts (no, I don't have any other kind. You're right) that I am currently copy/paste/editing for your pleasure. It shouldn't be difficult for me to do it on the daily. I love to getting something down to page as I feel/have been led to believe that I have a gift for language that inspires, encourages and amuses people. I see all the chick lit novels and think why don’t I just write one. Even an individual who is Dead To Me (too!, too!) felt I could do it. If another friend, who at least never espoused any great desire to write, is typing away, why am I not doing so as well?
My head often feels like it is going to explode from the fencing match within. Protagonist wars with antagonist. A fencing match where every time a player sustains an injury it is my pain regardless. I wish the frenetic devil’s advocate conversation running like a ticker tape in my head would run out. In a case of be careful of what you wish for I guess, I should more accurately say that I want to be able to shut it off, slow it down? Or be able to realize it is not me and that separation is a muzzle. Anything to be aware and steady the hum that can keep me awake and throw my emotions into a roller coaster loop. I often feel that I am in a life raft during a black, angry storm and I can see the ship is sinking but I am too far to affect much change. Well, that's disempowering. Shit. And ew. I go back and forth on every subject and every subject is linked so I don’t know where there is an end, because there isn’t really one. You can’t run out of things to think. I haven't previously seemed to be able to centre myself enough to meditate so as to get so good at meditating that I am able to snap out of this pattern into calming down, assessing or reasoning. I am not a processor. How can I be the superlative in many ways, to many people yet live so shallow? How is it that I am in thrall with life but despise it.
You may notice I say 'previously,' a lot. I believe language is powerful, I always did but now more so from a new perspective. I create who I am and what I do everyday, newly. My old habits are not me and not a definition. Can I get an AMEN!?! Are your hands in the air when you say that because if not, go back, do it again with FEELING!
I like: George Michael - Father figure, my cat, itchy eyes that stop itching.
I can’t wait to start marathon training, they're not kidding when they tell you it releases happy chemicals. My body is close to where I’d like it but clearly don’t want the discipline enough as there is still nothing in me that wants to resist certain temptations nor do I moderate.
I need to give Mobb Deep, Ghostface and Tom Waits a couple serious listens to see if there are really gems in there or if I am holding onto music for sentimental reasons. Not that all music isn't sentimentality but not useful if it's just about holding onto something that is gone.
What is the difference between holding on and cherishing? Hope and blindness? Am I on the right side or are the blinders on and this cart is going to the cliff? Short cliff of course, as life will move on but slow healing to knit bones. broken heart.
It was the little things. Like how intently he stared when he was serious about his point or if he is gauging if he has gone too far with me. Everything made me tear up when thinking of a friend I lost. I am really, really into power ballads these days. Journey really, really takes it home. I heard that the new singer is a vocal doppelganger for the original singer which makes me want to wikipedia Journey and find out what happened to the original singer.
Am I hiding things in my mind to bug me later or are they coming up in minor annoyances elsewhere but they have significant social camouflage? Or am I handling this and the craziness is a version of normal? Was counseling helping me? I didn’t feel totally in simpatico with her but I’m shaking off being a resister. I burned up the hill today - I wish I hadn’t conditioned myself to not recognize my accomplishments - I wish that I knew how much better I was at biking, how much fitter/thinner am I?
I love Byron Lee concerts - they are a superlative time. I want to follow the leader. I will be better at weeding out stuff while packing to move (let go) and I hope that I am a super packer this time. I have to admit one of my weaknesses is timelines (coughintegritycough) in particular when it comes to packing, trouble letting go I guess. Making change?
Raspberry juice needs to be more diluted. I find most juices too sweet, goddamn glucose-fructose.
I can’t wait for dinner. I love steak that has marinated for hours from the butcher down the street. I love having relationships with the people who make and/or produce my food. Ugh, the raspberry is too much. I need cold water. It will save my life. I love seeing the interplay between couples that have great communication/trust/respect/lust for one another - that sizzle is fucking amazing to witness. I like matchies.
I don’t appreciate people who don’t get the left side / right side to escalators, who stop on the left side, stop randomly on the sidewalk - especially because it ends up being me who looks like the loon as I shake fists of rage and make incoherent noises.
Interesting article in the Globe and Mail a while back on a guy who quit his job after having found out his dad had terminal cancer. I need to get out of my notion of job as security vs. method of creating from what inspires me. I am not happy there. I have been waging a debate in my mind of what makes me happy versus being responsible. I guess one could argue that ensuring your own happiness is being responsible to oneself. Possibly, my greatest problem has been that I do weigh other people’s need/opinions/situations in conjunction to mine to see whether or not I am making a good decision. The issue lies in, I take so long with this process that I end up having fate/outside life making the decision for me. My eternal struggle has been procrastination. It’s what has separated me from being the great person I could be. I procrastinate with everything and I totally recognize it’s to my detriment so what keeps me in this whack cycle? I should be the person who has touched the hot stove, got the memo and changed tactics. I am so lucky/blessed that things tend to work out in my favour and my ‘danger’ lurks below me but not yet enveloping me. It won’t go on like this forever. All I need are baby steps. I need a plan. I say these kind of progressive things to myself all the time and need to work backwards from the goal to see the steps. I know when I think this way I am ignoring all the good, positive, uplifting things in my life and the good that I contribute and wonder where this feeling of lacking stems from.
My mom just got a new dog which is great for her and amazing since it’s via my dad’s impetuous and he really was anti-pet when previous dog died - which I understood as he’s allergic and has lived his entire life with pets. I just happened to make it mean since he’s lived his entire life with pets it didn’t seem like much to just keep going with the trend. I find it funny that he was the one that recommended sleeping downstairs with the dog so she wouldn’t cry. Bavi, what a cute name.
I feel like I have something to get out - that I am moving towards something and I have always felt this way. From the time that my friend Alice did reiki on me, when I was 18, I have felt that I am on a path and I have always felt comfortable with that. Mildly curious but figured I was going to get there anyway so no point in stressing over it.
Fear is the invisible gunman in the room - not tangible, not taking action, just an idea.
"I can't" tastes like blueberries. Nonsense. Thanks for lesson.
I have run marathons, I have biked 250kms to raise money to fight cancer, I have moved across the country twice, I have built others back up when they have fallen, I have stood up with 5 amazing people at their weddings, I have been asked to be involved/responsible for children's lives. I am standing on accomplishments and I will be proud of them when I look back on my next achievements.
You have done amazing things and touched amazing lives around you. There is a web between us. Same, same - not so different.
a haiku
soldier on, uphill
nothing worth having comes without
a fight, victory
xo
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